Jonathan Daugherty's Story
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Short Bio
Jonathan Daugherty is the founder and director of Be Broken Ministries, and founder of Gateway to Freedom workshop for men. Jonathan also hosts the weekly radio broadcast, Pure Sex Radio, and is in demand nationally as a speaker on sexual purity and men’s issues. He has appeared on The Oprah Show, twice on ABC's Nightline, as well as other radio and television media, both local and national. He has authored Grace-Based Recovery, The 4 Pillars of Purity, Secrets, Untangled and other works. Jonathan lives with his wife and three children in San Antonio, Texas. More at JonathanDaugherty.com. |
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The rest of the story...
In August 1999 I sat by myself on my living room couch. Alone. Scared. I tried to piece together what 13 years of sexual addiction had just torn apart. My life was unraveling and I couldn’t harness my out of control behaviors. I remember thinking I might be better off dead than alive. As I sat there I had a lot to consider.
I was a sex addict. Due to a mixture of missing certain emotional elements as a child, and developing my own misconceptions about relationships, God, and myself, I learned to turn to sex and pleasure to feed my starving soul. In the process I denied myself the opportunity to ever become intimate on an emotional level with anyone, women or men. I decided internally, “Sex is as close as I can ever come to true intimacy.” What I failed to realize was such a belief about relationships only led to more loneliness, shame, and pain.
I had been married nearly four years when I found myself alone on my couch. As I sat there I doubted if God really did love me or even care at all. I feared that He would never accept me again after the terrible things I had done. Pornography, strip clubs, prostitution, Internet porn, and many other horrible activities had become my way of daily life. Ultimately, I was unfaithful to my wife, to myself, and to God. I was alone. At least, I thought I was alone.
My wife did the right thing at the time by leaving and protecting herself from any more unnecessary pain. But my “aloneness” ran much deeper than her not being present. My soul was empty; even after years of feeding on passion and pleasure to try and nourish it. But pleasure always wanted more and passions were never satisfied. I had so many questions but felt I didn’t know how to find the answers.
Deep down I believed God was there, somewhere. But I didn’t know how to respond to Him. I didn’t have a proper perspective on who He really was and how He saw me. My only image of God was my father. For all the wonderful things that my dad taught me (even about the Lord), he was still imperfect and failed regularly (just like we all do). I also had a fear of my dad that probably wasn’t healthy. I don’t think he ever knew I was afraid of him, but deep down I didn’t feel like I could approach him on deeply personal, vulnerable issues. Needless to say, my image of God became that of someone I couldn’t approach with the intimate details of my life. So, when I became entangled in the seductive web of sexual lust I just hid the problem instead of talking to anyone about it, especially God. I believed that if I spoke to Him about such sinful behavior He would punish me severely. That is why I kept everything a secret. But secrecy only fueled the fire of sexual addiction.
As with any secret, my behavior was eventually exposed. I was scared to death. Now I HAD to make a decision about my life. Would I continue to fail and hurt others and myself, or would I seek help in becoming a healthy man? It seems like a simple decision when it is written down on paper, but when a person has struggled over 13 years with a problem that has festered behind closed doors (and a shut mouth), change is a monumental proposal. But not to change would have caused deeper shame and loneliness.
Now the question was, “Where do I begin?”
Since my father died when I was 18 years old I couldn’t go to him for help. My father had been my personal image of God. Therefore, I figured I should take up the subject with God Himself. I knew if anything was going to change I needed to understand who God was and what He really thought of me. I began reading the Bible, talking to counselors, seeking out information on the truth about sexual addiction. My eyes slowly opened to the truth about myself, my struggle, and especially about God. O, how my beliefs were radically challenged about God.
For many years my perception of God was just the opposite of who He really is. Or, if they weren’t the total opposite, at least a grossly disproportional view exaggerating only one of His many characteristics. For example, I had viewed God as this mighty judge ready to slam down his gavel of damnation on me at the first sign of me leaning toward sin. I pictured Him “waiting in anticipation” for me to fail. I felt like He was constantly disappointed in me and would say under His breath, “Will he ever get it right?” and then just shake His head at my stupid behaviors.
How wrong I was! As I began to learn more about God I found out that He is more patient than my imagination could fathom. His love is infinite and can never be exhausted. He doesn’t sit around waiting for me to fail, but He does take great concern in my life and is always “rooting” for me to succeed. He is a father to me - a perfect Father. He loves me. For someone who has had a very improper perspective on love, this concept of God loving me has taken quite some time to “sink in” (and is still quite difficult to accept fully at times). But now that I have seen that God’s love isn’t based on how I behave, I have gained a completely new outlook on what true love is all about. Love is a decision to move toward someone, become intimately involved in the details of their life, and never look back! Never!
As alone as I was on that couch in the summer of ’99, I realized that my life was not over. I learned that God IS good. And I saw more clearly than ever that such a dark period in my life was necessary to bring me to a point of such desperate searching that my only hope for freedom was having faith in a God who does not give up, and never leaves. With such a love supporting me I could confidently hope for a wonderful future!
And part of that future has included the restoration of my marriage, three beautiful children, a church family that loves and supports me, and a ministry to help others find the healing they are seeking. God has been faithful to carry me through the valley of recovery, and even though there were times I felt I couldn't go on, or would never be free, He was there encouraging me. There is no one on earth that could convince me now that anything is beyond hope or the capabilities of God. He can heal ANYONE and takes delight in doing that which seems impossible!
The biggest challenge I faced, however, on my personal journey to freedom was finding the resources necessary to help me along the way. We started Be Broken Ministries specifically to address that problem. We want families to have the resources they need to realize genuine hope and freedom. I speak to anyone who is seeking hope and freedom from their struggle. You can know this kind of freedom as well if you will only seek for it "with all your heart."
I was a sex addict. Due to a mixture of missing certain emotional elements as a child, and developing my own misconceptions about relationships, God, and myself, I learned to turn to sex and pleasure to feed my starving soul. In the process I denied myself the opportunity to ever become intimate on an emotional level with anyone, women or men. I decided internally, “Sex is as close as I can ever come to true intimacy.” What I failed to realize was such a belief about relationships only led to more loneliness, shame, and pain.
I had been married nearly four years when I found myself alone on my couch. As I sat there I doubted if God really did love me or even care at all. I feared that He would never accept me again after the terrible things I had done. Pornography, strip clubs, prostitution, Internet porn, and many other horrible activities had become my way of daily life. Ultimately, I was unfaithful to my wife, to myself, and to God. I was alone. At least, I thought I was alone.
My wife did the right thing at the time by leaving and protecting herself from any more unnecessary pain. But my “aloneness” ran much deeper than her not being present. My soul was empty; even after years of feeding on passion and pleasure to try and nourish it. But pleasure always wanted more and passions were never satisfied. I had so many questions but felt I didn’t know how to find the answers.
Deep down I believed God was there, somewhere. But I didn’t know how to respond to Him. I didn’t have a proper perspective on who He really was and how He saw me. My only image of God was my father. For all the wonderful things that my dad taught me (even about the Lord), he was still imperfect and failed regularly (just like we all do). I also had a fear of my dad that probably wasn’t healthy. I don’t think he ever knew I was afraid of him, but deep down I didn’t feel like I could approach him on deeply personal, vulnerable issues. Needless to say, my image of God became that of someone I couldn’t approach with the intimate details of my life. So, when I became entangled in the seductive web of sexual lust I just hid the problem instead of talking to anyone about it, especially God. I believed that if I spoke to Him about such sinful behavior He would punish me severely. That is why I kept everything a secret. But secrecy only fueled the fire of sexual addiction.
As with any secret, my behavior was eventually exposed. I was scared to death. Now I HAD to make a decision about my life. Would I continue to fail and hurt others and myself, or would I seek help in becoming a healthy man? It seems like a simple decision when it is written down on paper, but when a person has struggled over 13 years with a problem that has festered behind closed doors (and a shut mouth), change is a monumental proposal. But not to change would have caused deeper shame and loneliness.
Now the question was, “Where do I begin?”
Since my father died when I was 18 years old I couldn’t go to him for help. My father had been my personal image of God. Therefore, I figured I should take up the subject with God Himself. I knew if anything was going to change I needed to understand who God was and what He really thought of me. I began reading the Bible, talking to counselors, seeking out information on the truth about sexual addiction. My eyes slowly opened to the truth about myself, my struggle, and especially about God. O, how my beliefs were radically challenged about God.
For many years my perception of God was just the opposite of who He really is. Or, if they weren’t the total opposite, at least a grossly disproportional view exaggerating only one of His many characteristics. For example, I had viewed God as this mighty judge ready to slam down his gavel of damnation on me at the first sign of me leaning toward sin. I pictured Him “waiting in anticipation” for me to fail. I felt like He was constantly disappointed in me and would say under His breath, “Will he ever get it right?” and then just shake His head at my stupid behaviors.
How wrong I was! As I began to learn more about God I found out that He is more patient than my imagination could fathom. His love is infinite and can never be exhausted. He doesn’t sit around waiting for me to fail, but He does take great concern in my life and is always “rooting” for me to succeed. He is a father to me - a perfect Father. He loves me. For someone who has had a very improper perspective on love, this concept of God loving me has taken quite some time to “sink in” (and is still quite difficult to accept fully at times). But now that I have seen that God’s love isn’t based on how I behave, I have gained a completely new outlook on what true love is all about. Love is a decision to move toward someone, become intimately involved in the details of their life, and never look back! Never!
As alone as I was on that couch in the summer of ’99, I realized that my life was not over. I learned that God IS good. And I saw more clearly than ever that such a dark period in my life was necessary to bring me to a point of such desperate searching that my only hope for freedom was having faith in a God who does not give up, and never leaves. With such a love supporting me I could confidently hope for a wonderful future!
And part of that future has included the restoration of my marriage, three beautiful children, a church family that loves and supports me, and a ministry to help others find the healing they are seeking. God has been faithful to carry me through the valley of recovery, and even though there were times I felt I couldn't go on, or would never be free, He was there encouraging me. There is no one on earth that could convince me now that anything is beyond hope or the capabilities of God. He can heal ANYONE and takes delight in doing that which seems impossible!
The biggest challenge I faced, however, on my personal journey to freedom was finding the resources necessary to help me along the way. We started Be Broken Ministries specifically to address that problem. We want families to have the resources they need to realize genuine hope and freedom. I speak to anyone who is seeking hope and freedom from their struggle. You can know this kind of freedom as well if you will only seek for it "with all your heart."
You may contact me by email anytime at jonathan@bebroken.com. I look forward to hearing your story...
For the complete story, including powerful insights for living a life without regret, order Jonathan's book:
Secrets: A true story of addiction, infidelity and second chances
For the complete story, including powerful insights for living a life without regret, order Jonathan's book:
Secrets: A true story of addiction, infidelity and second chances
