Elaine's Story
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Once upon a time there was a little girl that believed in happy ever after…
That little girl was me. Jonathan and I got married in the winter of 1995. It felt like the beginning of a fairy tale, and of course every girl dreams of "happy every after" following her wedding day. Boy, was I in for some surprises. What I did not know at the time was what the Lord would use to teach us, or that we would see more wicked witches, gremlins, and places like hell than we would first see of "happy ever after."
One evening after we had been married several months, Jonathan came to me with something in his hand. He was ashamed and downcast. He held a department store magazine out in his hand and he told me that he had looked at the pictures of the women and masturbated. It was not a Playboy or anything that graphic; it was just a department store magazine with some scantly clad women in it. I really felt hurt. I looked at the women and thought that they were much skinnier than I was, much prettier… I thought I had not met his needs as a new bride and that is what sent him to imagine things with other women.
That was my first exposure that Jonathan had a problem with pornography, but I was young and so naïve. I had no clue how serious a problem it was or how deeply involved he was. I told myself that he was so godly to have confessed his sins on his own without being caught. I thought of what worse magazines he could have looked at and was glad that things were not as bad as they could have been. When he asked my forgiveness that day, I gave it and easily washed the smudge of dirt from my knight’s armor. I secretly determined to lose some weight and be more available to him sexually.
The issue of pornography did not surface again for a while, yet our marriage was going through a rough time and, looking back, porn was the driving force. I thought things were normal even though my heart longed for more.
Finances became a huge area of strife at that time. We were both finishing school so, naturally, money was tight. But it was more than that… we were headed in different directions. One day I opened the door to our apartment and there was a computer. Jonathan said he had used the credit card. Two thousands dollars in debt (an amount that I thought at the time was monumental, because that was my first experience with the credit card) and a computer; both things were signs of more trouble to come. Credit cards and the computer proved to be thorns in my side. No, not thorns, more like lances. Debt began to pile up. Our $2,000 debt grew to an impossible $20,000. Eventually Jonathan filed for bankruptcy.
Jonathan would come home from work and drown himself on the computer. All I wanted was to spend time with him… so I became kind of a nag about it, which certainly did not aid to our togetherness. I was selfishly wrapped up in not having my needs met that I did not see my husband sinking in quick sand.
I teasingly (well, half teasingly) called his computer Jezebel, …it in fact was. The truth about the computer I would find out later. Our moments together usually ended in tense situations or hurt feelings. We often would put on our “happy face” when others were around. I watched my husband pull away, and I grabbed more desperately for him. He may have needed space, but the more I reached for him, the more he felt like a trapped bird. In time he withdrew even more from me.
One summer day in 1997, Jonathan packed his car with all his belongings and took off for Nashville. He left me as a clueless and devastated girl. I had no idea why he left or if he was coming back. What had I done? Was I so hard to live with? These are the thoughts that ran through my mind. I determined that if he ever came back I would keep the house cleaner, cook better, not nag him about spending time with me, lose weight, etc. I had so many plans…
I was embarrassed when people found out about us, because you see, I wanted people to think that I had a perfect marriage. Nineteen days went by until Jonathan returned. He returned apologetic and filled with promises of how much better our marriage would be.
They were short-lived promises and more dirt in our marriage began to surface. The nameless horrors that plagued our marriage began to have a name. This whole time I had not known that Jonathan was a sex addict, but I began to find it out. He once admitted to me his problem, and I began to find out all kinds of hidden things. Naughty sites on the Internet would pop up when I turned on the computer, or when I would look in the history file. I became a suspicious, anxious, accusing spy. I found emails, chat sites, and phone numbers. Little by little the truth became clear.
But we were still living under illusions. Promises were constantly made. I enabled him to continue living his secret lives without boundaries in our relationship. I cared too much about what people would think if they knew the truth. I had so much pride. I wanted so badly for the "happy ever after" that I let the hell that was going on not really be real. I chose to think that things would get better if I just did this or that. The whole while my husband was being drawn further and further in to his sex addict.
In August of 1999, I found out that my husband had been physically unfaithful multiple times. I was utterly broken. Every night I prayed that I would die in my sleep because it hurt so badly. Every morning I was astounded that the world went on with life, because I was so hurt that I did not see how life could go on. And yet, every morning, the sun came up. Every day, birds continued to sing, the stars and moon came out in the evening. I was shocked. The song by the Beatles that goes ”Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da, life goes on” was true.
We were sleeping in different rooms because I had not left yet. I thought that since he was the one that told me about his infidelities, that he was on the road to recovery and I had been brought up to stay in a marriage, …to forgive. That week could be described as nothing else but hell. By the end of the week I found out that his behavior was not changing and was continuing, so I packed my things and left. I went to my parent’s house. At the time I had no intention of getting back together with Jonathan. I never wanted to see him again, I never even wanted to talk with him. I was at rock bottom. My heart was in millions of pieces.
Little did I know that my leaving that day would be used as a catalyst in Jonathan’s life. He had also finally reached rock bottom. He too was broken. God showed me a clear image of the shame that Jonathan had lived with. At that time, Jonathan even wondered if God could still love him. He was filled with shame.
God began doing amazing things in my husband’s life. My husband was broken, totally repentant, and crying out to God. God changed him. Every day while we were separated, I received a letter in the mail from Jonathan. I watched him become a totally different person. I watched him put up safe boundaries in his life. I watched him give up the TV and for over 2 years he gave up the Internet at home and even now that we have it again, it is protected Internet service (SafeEyes). I watched him lay himself vulnerable to people in the church and to an accountability group. Every week, he now meets with other men that he holds accountable and that hold him accountable. He is living for purity. Every day I watch him start his day with a quiet time with the Lord. I watched him start to love me.
God also changed me. He created a new compassion for Jonathan in my heart. He showed me my own faults and my own unfaithfulness to Him. He helped me discover anew His own forgiveness to me. He created a desire in my heart to forgive Jonathan. God did it for me.
On April 8, 2000 I went back to that big white church that we had originally married in and met the new, changed man. Jonathan and I restated our vows and moved back in together. Jonathan has become the husband I had always dreamed about. And God has heaped blessings on us. He gave us three precious children and I am watching Jonathan become an excellent, awesome father to them. Jonathan lives for purity. He maintains his accountability group, keeps the protective hedges in his life, and daily draws nearer to the Savior. We spent months rebuilding trust and will continue to do so. But I am so happy now. Our life together now is filled with many happy moments. There is hope!
If God can heal our broken marriage, He can help you too.
That little girl was me. Jonathan and I got married in the winter of 1995. It felt like the beginning of a fairy tale, and of course every girl dreams of "happy every after" following her wedding day. Boy, was I in for some surprises. What I did not know at the time was what the Lord would use to teach us, or that we would see more wicked witches, gremlins, and places like hell than we would first see of "happy ever after."
One evening after we had been married several months, Jonathan came to me with something in his hand. He was ashamed and downcast. He held a department store magazine out in his hand and he told me that he had looked at the pictures of the women and masturbated. It was not a Playboy or anything that graphic; it was just a department store magazine with some scantly clad women in it. I really felt hurt. I looked at the women and thought that they were much skinnier than I was, much prettier… I thought I had not met his needs as a new bride and that is what sent him to imagine things with other women.
That was my first exposure that Jonathan had a problem with pornography, but I was young and so naïve. I had no clue how serious a problem it was or how deeply involved he was. I told myself that he was so godly to have confessed his sins on his own without being caught. I thought of what worse magazines he could have looked at and was glad that things were not as bad as they could have been. When he asked my forgiveness that day, I gave it and easily washed the smudge of dirt from my knight’s armor. I secretly determined to lose some weight and be more available to him sexually.
The issue of pornography did not surface again for a while, yet our marriage was going through a rough time and, looking back, porn was the driving force. I thought things were normal even though my heart longed for more.
Finances became a huge area of strife at that time. We were both finishing school so, naturally, money was tight. But it was more than that… we were headed in different directions. One day I opened the door to our apartment and there was a computer. Jonathan said he had used the credit card. Two thousands dollars in debt (an amount that I thought at the time was monumental, because that was my first experience with the credit card) and a computer; both things were signs of more trouble to come. Credit cards and the computer proved to be thorns in my side. No, not thorns, more like lances. Debt began to pile up. Our $2,000 debt grew to an impossible $20,000. Eventually Jonathan filed for bankruptcy.
Jonathan would come home from work and drown himself on the computer. All I wanted was to spend time with him… so I became kind of a nag about it, which certainly did not aid to our togetherness. I was selfishly wrapped up in not having my needs met that I did not see my husband sinking in quick sand.
I teasingly (well, half teasingly) called his computer Jezebel, …it in fact was. The truth about the computer I would find out later. Our moments together usually ended in tense situations or hurt feelings. We often would put on our “happy face” when others were around. I watched my husband pull away, and I grabbed more desperately for him. He may have needed space, but the more I reached for him, the more he felt like a trapped bird. In time he withdrew even more from me.
One summer day in 1997, Jonathan packed his car with all his belongings and took off for Nashville. He left me as a clueless and devastated girl. I had no idea why he left or if he was coming back. What had I done? Was I so hard to live with? These are the thoughts that ran through my mind. I determined that if he ever came back I would keep the house cleaner, cook better, not nag him about spending time with me, lose weight, etc. I had so many plans…
I was embarrassed when people found out about us, because you see, I wanted people to think that I had a perfect marriage. Nineteen days went by until Jonathan returned. He returned apologetic and filled with promises of how much better our marriage would be.
They were short-lived promises and more dirt in our marriage began to surface. The nameless horrors that plagued our marriage began to have a name. This whole time I had not known that Jonathan was a sex addict, but I began to find it out. He once admitted to me his problem, and I began to find out all kinds of hidden things. Naughty sites on the Internet would pop up when I turned on the computer, or when I would look in the history file. I became a suspicious, anxious, accusing spy. I found emails, chat sites, and phone numbers. Little by little the truth became clear.
But we were still living under illusions. Promises were constantly made. I enabled him to continue living his secret lives without boundaries in our relationship. I cared too much about what people would think if they knew the truth. I had so much pride. I wanted so badly for the "happy ever after" that I let the hell that was going on not really be real. I chose to think that things would get better if I just did this or that. The whole while my husband was being drawn further and further in to his sex addict.
In August of 1999, I found out that my husband had been physically unfaithful multiple times. I was utterly broken. Every night I prayed that I would die in my sleep because it hurt so badly. Every morning I was astounded that the world went on with life, because I was so hurt that I did not see how life could go on. And yet, every morning, the sun came up. Every day, birds continued to sing, the stars and moon came out in the evening. I was shocked. The song by the Beatles that goes ”Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da, life goes on” was true.
We were sleeping in different rooms because I had not left yet. I thought that since he was the one that told me about his infidelities, that he was on the road to recovery and I had been brought up to stay in a marriage, …to forgive. That week could be described as nothing else but hell. By the end of the week I found out that his behavior was not changing and was continuing, so I packed my things and left. I went to my parent’s house. At the time I had no intention of getting back together with Jonathan. I never wanted to see him again, I never even wanted to talk with him. I was at rock bottom. My heart was in millions of pieces.
Little did I know that my leaving that day would be used as a catalyst in Jonathan’s life. He had also finally reached rock bottom. He too was broken. God showed me a clear image of the shame that Jonathan had lived with. At that time, Jonathan even wondered if God could still love him. He was filled with shame.
God began doing amazing things in my husband’s life. My husband was broken, totally repentant, and crying out to God. God changed him. Every day while we were separated, I received a letter in the mail from Jonathan. I watched him become a totally different person. I watched him put up safe boundaries in his life. I watched him give up the TV and for over 2 years he gave up the Internet at home and even now that we have it again, it is protected Internet service (SafeEyes). I watched him lay himself vulnerable to people in the church and to an accountability group. Every week, he now meets with other men that he holds accountable and that hold him accountable. He is living for purity. Every day I watch him start his day with a quiet time with the Lord. I watched him start to love me.
God also changed me. He created a new compassion for Jonathan in my heart. He showed me my own faults and my own unfaithfulness to Him. He helped me discover anew His own forgiveness to me. He created a desire in my heart to forgive Jonathan. God did it for me.
On April 8, 2000 I went back to that big white church that we had originally married in and met the new, changed man. Jonathan and I restated our vows and moved back in together. Jonathan has become the husband I had always dreamed about. And God has heaped blessings on us. He gave us three precious children and I am watching Jonathan become an excellent, awesome father to them. Jonathan lives for purity. He maintains his accountability group, keeps the protective hedges in his life, and daily draws nearer to the Savior. We spent months rebuilding trust and will continue to do so. But I am so happy now. Our life together now is filled with many happy moments. There is hope!
If God can heal our broken marriage, He can help you too.
