In recent years a lot has been written about the negative fallout of the "purity movement" of the 1990's and early 2000's. And rightfully so. Many were wounded as a result of narrow, incomplete teaching on God's design for sex. 

Essentially, "purity culture" taught that sex is for marriage, virginity is sacred (seemingly above all else), and if you save yourself for marriage you will be blessed with happiness and great, godly sexual bliss. This led many young people to go "underground" with their sexual struggles and questions due to the shame created by the purity movement (whether intentional or unintentional). 

But does the failure of a particular movement mean that certain terms must be forever relegated as "dangerous" or unhelpful?

I would like to propose that the term 'sexual purity' is good and useful when properly understood. I will attempt to share what we at Be Broken mean when we use this term, and hopefully this will lead you to a fuller understanding of God's good and beautiful design for sex and purity.

Only God is Pure

When we think of purity as meaning totally unstained or absolute perfection, then there can only be one being to whom this definition fits: God. He alone is perfect, absolutely holy. 

To whom then will you compare me,
    that I should be like him? says the Holy One. (Isaiah 40:25)

This is important to understand so that none of us thinks we can produce within ourselves something that belongs to God alone. God is 100% holy and perfect, we are not.

But this might seem confusing when God's Word also says, "As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, 'You shall be holy, for I am holy.'" (1 Peter 1:14-16, referencing passages from Leviticus; 11:44-45, 19:2, 20:7, and others)

Is God commanding us to do something that is impossible? If only God is holy (pure), how can he command us to be holy?

This is where it is important to remember that we are "made in God's image." (Gen. 1:26-27) Another way to state this is that we are "made in God's reflection." We do not contain the essence of God in our being (we don't possess omniscience, for example), but by God's grace we do possess the capacity to reflect Him. 

In this way, God's call on our lives to "be holy" is to accurately and faithfully reflect His image and character in the world around us. 

Therefore, sexual purity would mean we accurately and faithfully reflect God's design and desires regarding sex and sexuality. 

This is where we need to understand what God's design and desires regarding sex and sexuality actually are.

Sex is Good

In the beginning, God created Adam from the dust of the ground and then fashioned his wife, Eve, out of Adam's body. After they were created, "God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good." (Gen. 1:31)

Human beings made in God's image, male and female, were declared "very good" by God. This included their sexuality. In fact, Adam spoke of this intimate union when he first saw Eve. He said:

“This at last is bone of my bones
    and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
    because she was taken out of Man.”

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. (Gen. 2:23-24)

Adam immediately recognized the "fittedness" of Eve to himself; bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She "completed" him in a way that no other creature God created could. This "one flesh" union was good and sanctioned by God in the covenant bond of marriage ("hold fast to his wife").

But God's design for sex is more than just a way for a husband and wife to connect or procreate. God's design for sex is to give us a tangible picture of the kind of relationship He desires with us: covenantal, intimate, life-multiplying. 

The goodness of sex points to the Author of good: God. He is the ultimate Lover, the faithful Spouse, our persistent Pursuer. 

When we see God's design for sex through His eyes we begin to understand that His call to purity (holiness) is not merely about a list of do's and do not's, but rather an invitation to know Him and love Him in the same way a husband and wife know and love each other. 

To pursue sexual purity is to guard the metaphor of sex God has given us by not distorting or dismantling it through pornography, adultery, fornication, gay marriage, polygamy, and the like.

But we also guard the metaphor by not idolizing it; the picture is meant to point us to its Painter. Sex, and even marriage, cannot ultimately provide what your soul can only experience with God. 

Sex is good. God made it so. Its design is to draw us closer to our Maker, the only One who can satisfy our deepest longings. 

Purity is a Journey, Not a Destination

Nothing in nature is pure. At least not in the sense that we often try to apply (or misapply) this word to sex, as in "sexual purity."

Everything in nature contains "pollution" or imperfections of some kind. Therefore, purity is not a natural state. For anything to be pure it must be purified. Purification is a process of removing the pollutants and imperfections. 

For example, gold is not found "pure" in nature. There are all sorts of imperfections attached to it; dirt, other metals, rock, etc. While much of this can simply be chipped away from the gold, the impurities that are woven into the gold itself cannot be removed without melting the gold. This requires high temperatures (roughly 2000 degrees Fahrenheit!) in order to separate the pure gold from the imperfections. This takes time, patience, and precision.

This is what the process of pursuing sexual purity looks like. Human beings are not naturally pure. We have many "pollutants" and imperfections in us (and around us). Pornography, lust, abuse, and more weaves into our lives, our minds and hearts. And these impurities are not eliminated in a single moment in time. We require regular "purifying" throughout a lifetime.

Another way to think of sexual purity as a process is to consider it like a bath. If you bathed yesterday, would you consider yourself permanently clean? I hope not! In a matter of days (or maybe even shorter!) it would be evident that one bath is not adequate. Bathing needs to be a regular part of your life in order for your body to be clean (or "pure"). 

Sexual purity is a journey. Some parts of the journey might require purification by a refining fire to remove deeply embedded pollutants. Most of the journey will require purification through regular "bathing" to remove the normal, natural imperfections that make their way into our lives daily. 

Sexual purity is not a static, permanent state. It is a daily pursuit of reflecting the holy image of God by examining the mirror of our lives and removing whatever is blocking a clear reflection of Him. 

The Goal is Mature Faith, Not Sexual Abstinence

Finally, sexual purity is more about maturing in faith than it is about sexual abstinence. While there are boundaries for sexual behavior, the primary focus is on Jesus.

In our ministry, most of the people who reach out to us for help are looking for answers to very specific problems. 

"Help, I'm addicted to porn. How can I stop?"
"I just found out my husband has cheated on me. What do I do?"
"My 14-year-old son is sexting with his friends. How do I lock down his phone?"

Hundreds of such requests come before us every year. These are real people with real problems and real pain. But if we simply give them quick, pat answers that only address the urgent question without guiding them to the deeper needs, we aren't actually helping them with their problem or their understanding of sexual purity.

You see, no matter what the presenting sexual problem may be, the solution is always ultimately found in Jesus. (I know this sounds like the classic "Sunday school" answer, but it is still true.) Remember, God is holy, perfect, and he revealed himself to us through his Son, Jesus Christ. In Him, the fullness of diety dwells. (Col. 2:9)

Internet filters, accountability software, support groups, counseling, and all other kinds of tools are helpful for curbing behaviors. But no "tool" produces sexual purity in the heart. Only Jesus can transform a person on that level. 

Ultimately, sexual purity is about faith. Will you trust God with your whole heart, your whole life, including your sexuality? Pursuing Him in faith is the most "purifying" thing you can do. His love and truth will cleanse you in ways you might have thought impossible. 

Conclusion

Sexual purity is not a term that we need to fear or categorically dismiss due to its historical mishandling. We just need to understand it better from a biblical framework.

When we use the term "sexual purity" we mean:
​

• Living in such a way to reflect God's design and desires regarding sex and sexuality, 
• Guarding the metaphor of sex by not distorting or dismantling it -- or by idolizing it, 
• Engaging the process of purification, seeing the need for regular cleansing from the normal, natural imperfections of daily life, 
• Depending on Jesus as the ultimate hope and power for true purification.

May God grant you favor and peace as you pursue a life of sexual purity.
​

Related Articles:
​Is it Possible to Quit Porn and Masturbation? 
5 Core Values of Effective Ministry to Porn/Sex Addicts 

Rising from the rubble will require us to receive the truth of who we truly are. Not where we have been, nor what we have done or has been done to us, but who did God see when He so gently formed each one us? Scripture says, in Romans 12:2, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…” 
The world is filled with blame and shame, but God desires His daughters to realign our thinking with who He says we are: beloved, beautiful, chosen and absolutely enough! When we are able to accept that truth then we will be able to have the strength to rise and receive the love.
​Our gold within the dirt is to be able to see ourselves through the eyes of a heavenly daddy who loves His little girls dearly, a God who has given our wounded and orphaned heart a new name, Forever loved!

It’s been said, ‘‘You cannot give what you do not have.”

Here’s an example. If someone asks me for ten thousand dollars, I could write that person a check for the ten thousand bucks, but in time (not long) they will find out that it was a promise unable to be kept. The check looked legit, it has my signature on it and is from my bank, a bank with real money in it. However, my account couldn’t back up the offering of the money as promised by my signature. The funds are not in my account to give.

I could not give what I did not have.
​
And for me to expect that same person to trust me enough to write them another check that day or anytime soon would be just foolish. I wouldn’t deserve that trust or respect. Yet, for many addicts they expect to be trusted within just a few weeks or even months as they begin recovery. That is not a realistic expectation to have.
Ask yourself this honest question: “How quickly would I trust & respect that person if the shoe was on the other foot?”

I’m going to speak to you today from two perspectives: the porn abuser and the wounded spouse. Notice I didn’t say husband and wounded wife. The reality of porn being primarily, or only, a ‘man’s’ problem is no longer true.
​
More women than ever are finding themselves caught up in the use of pornography. And, it’s just as painful and damaging to her, her relationships, and her marriage.

These women are our wives, daughters, sisters, friends, and church family members. Today, I pray you ladies find the courage to speak up. Ask for help and trust that others will walk alongside you, love you, and not shame you.

As pornography damages and destroys trust and respect, the task of rebuilding trust is a must for the marriage to survive. Respect grows in the light of trust. If there is no healthy, daily exchange of trust and respect in your marriage, it will suffocate. All of this has a foundation of honesty. Painfully honest truth.

The rebuilding process is much like a human being put on a respirator when incredibly ill until the person is strong enough to support himself or herself.

For the betrayed spouse of the porn user, it’s very common for he or she to feel as though they cannot trust themselves. These thoughts and beliefs develop over time as they extend trust and respect and then it’s broken (over & over in many cases). They begin to question whether they can even trust themselves and lose self-respect.

This was very true for my wife in our recovery. She couldn’t give me trust and respect until she once again had for herself. I see it often in the marriages I mentor and minister to.
​
One more time: You cannot give what you do not have.

Initiate confession
When you blow it, and we all do during recovery, tell your wife or husband. If lying, hiding and minimizing undermine trust and respect, honesty and truth-telling rebuild. Secrets are the fuse to the dynamite strapped to trust.

Don’t expect instant gratification or praise from doing what’s right.
Expecting instant praise for doing what should be expected in the first place is self-centered thinking. This thinking minimizes the fact that your spouse is grieving.

Be humble.
Defensiveness is a clear sign of expecting instant gratification, and it’s not helpful. When getting encouragement during recovery, receive it as the grace that it is. Be thankful. Thankfulness displaces the anger that is an underlying element of sexual strongholds.

Listen more–talk less
Men, listen to your wife. Listen for the meaning behind her words. If your wife is speaking to you, she is revealing something about herself to you. Read that last line again, bebause it’s profoundly true. 

Men, hear me: BE HONEST. Secrets and dishonesty destroy trust.

Ladies, listen for sincerity, while watching for changes in the words being spoken and are actions supporting them. Have their words becoming less and less self-focused and are their actions demonstrating that? 

Self-condemning thoughts are destructive.
The depth of the wounds we carry affect at what level this interferes with someone’s recovery. I’ve seen it manifest itself with the addict turning compliments and encouragement into criticism in their mind. Romans 12:2 instructs us how to battle this problem, “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”

It takes intentionality.
Restoring trust and respect doesn’t happen by osmosis or wishful thinking. Many enter recovery expecting it to be pain-free. The deepest wounds our bodies receive have pain as part of the healing process. Intentionally pushing through the pain, doing what must be done in order for long lasting healing to take root, is the prescription. Expect it.

It takes time.
You cannot microwave trust and respect back into your marriage. This is akin to instant gratification. How did you build that trust & respect in the beginning of your relationship? You earned it. Guess what, you have to earn it again. This time, however, you have jumping hurdles that weren’t there the first time–hurdles we placed on the path with our lies and deceptions in the midst of the porn addiction.
As the porn addict who destroyed sacred trusts, we gave up our privilege to be trusted and respected. Do we deserve to be trusted again? Honestly, no. Can we earn back the respect and trust of our spouse and others? Yes, but it’s hard work, takes time, and will be difficult.

Is it worth it? Absolutely! The growth and the closeness my wife and I now have are beyond what I could have imaged.

Will you stumble and fall along the way? Yes. Get back up, dust yourself off, and keep pressing on.

Sexuality is one of the most common aspects of being human, yet one of the most difficult to talk about. Why is that? Why are we so reticent to share about sexual wounds or sin with a spouse, a close friend, or a child? I believe it is because the enemy of our souls knows the power of authenticity to heal and unify us.

Often we hide our stories out of fear of losing the one we have hurt. Or we haven’t found that true freedom that allows us to be fully known and consequently fully loved.

In his book Unwanted: How Our Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing, Jay Stringer speaks compassionately of how our stories of sexual brokenness often are the key to moving toward sexual health and healing.

In my own life and in the lives of many others, conversations about sexual wounds and wanderings have been powerful to set us free from the bondage of sin and shame. And in a parent-child relationship, such stories (when shared appropriately) can be powerful to build bonds of trust for
future conversations.

Today’s kids need our stories of struggle, failure, and redemption. They need to know they are not facing the challenges of today’s culture alone.

Often parents share their concerns related to sharing honestly with their kids….

• I fear my child will lose respect for me if I share about my sexual mistakes.
• How much should I tell my children about my past?
• Won’t my sharing just make him more likely to go his own way and do what he wants to do?
• I never speak of my abuse, and I’m not sure how to share about it.

I had a friend advise me not to share of my sexual wounds and wanderings with my children as they were growing up. She said they might look at me and think that because I turned out okay, they would believe they could sin and turn out okay also. I wish I’d followed my gut and been more authentic rather than remaining silent and maintaining the appearance of propriety.

I believe both pride and fear kept me from being authentic and real. And I believe I lost an opportunity to gain my children’s trust for very tender and timely conversations related to sexuality.

My friend’s advice was well-intentioned, but it was based in fear, not authenticity and gospel grace. It assumed that conveying perfection to my kids would lead them toward perfection. I don’t think it works that way. For one thing, perfection should not be the goal. Christ was the only perfect one. But learning to live and love as Christ does is truly life-altering, and Christ was undeniably authentic.

I help parents become allies to their kids in a sexualized culture. An ally is someone a child turns to rather than hides from as he or she becomes more aware of sexuality or experiences things related to it.
Most of us hid in those moments, for example, seeing porn for the first time, experiencing sexual abuse, or discovering the pleasure of self-touch.

Without a safe person to help us process our pain, help us with a sin struggle, or provide protection, we internalized fear or shame related to sexuality. Fear and shame foster more hiding and make conversations even more difficult.

Being an ally means working through the obstacle of fear that often leads to hiding.

The way of an ally happens to be Jesus’ way also. It’s sharing honestly and humbly without fear or shame. It’s being wise to share generally without traumatizing or painting too vivid of a picture for a child. It’s trusting God with outcomes. It’s allowing God to use our brokenness in the lives of our
children. It’s being real. Being human. And being willing to grow and move toward healing for our own shame or freedom from our sin patterns.

Jesus models this for us.

Come to Me all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you [a yoke is made for two] and learn from me. For I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. (Matthew 11:28-30)

Jesus invites us to come to Him just as we are and to share our burdens with Him so we can live free. Jesus will equip us to welcome the people in our lives who need to share their burdens.

If you’re in the parenting years, invite your little ones to come to you and not hide in their sin or sorrow or shame. Create that open door. Encourage them to lay their burdens down and to share their yoke－the yoke of shame, emotional turmoil, sin, regret, fear, uncertainty, or whatever－with you and with Jesus. A burden shared is half a burden. This will look different at every age.

Teach and model what it looks like to fail, to repent, to make restitution for our mistakes, and to live in the boundless and free grace of forgiveness and unconditional love.

Your children will be much more likely to turn to you when they make mistakes if you've modeled what this looks like and if they aren't afraid of you or your reaction.

Sexuality is so personal. It's easy to see how we learn to hide. We communicate privacy because that’s an important concept for little ones to learn. A level of modesty that isn’t shaming is good.

But somehow, we as Christians seem to have gotten the messaging all mixed up. We have traded the goodness of bodies and sexuality for the darkness of sin, shame, and hiding. We must reclaim bodies and sexuality for God, for His purposes, within His good design as written in His word. And we don’t need to be ashamed of anything about sexuality because God isn’t.

Find a close friend to begin to share your stories with. Cry over innocence lost, or regret, or someone’s sin against you, or poor choices made. Let that younger version of yourself express what he or she could not express then. Be compassionate toward your younger self. Perhaps find a counselor to share with, or share with your spouse.

A therapist friend once told me that she counsels many people individually but she begins to see real growth in group therapy. When I asked why, she said that there is something powerful that happens when we begin to share our deepest shame with others and realize that we are still lovable.

For parents wanting to understand better the power of their stories, I highly recommend John Fort’s book Honest Talk: A New Perspective on Talking to Your Kids About Sex. John helps parents learn the value of their stories to create bonds of trust with their children, and he shows them how to do this well.

God’s grace is for the moment, and His grace covers all our sin and shame. I pray God will lead you to at least one safe person to begin sharing your stories with. Vulnerability breeds vulnerability. Vulnerability is often the first step toward exponential spiritual and relational growth.

You will probably never have to share your story on a stage as I often do, but if you’re a mom or dad you have an incredible audience in front of you right now.

​No matter what stage you’re in, your friends need your stories. We are so much better together, and God created us to live authentically in relationship with each other. Become that ally that someone in your life needs. Let Jesus show you how.
​

Related Articles:
Brokenness Isn't Ugly 
Better Together

​To help a child who is using pornography stop we need to understand why they are seeking it out. It turns out there are several distinct reasons kids turn to porn.

The better we understand why our child might look for sexual imagery, the better we will be at helping them resist it. The reasons a child turns to porn actually points to the solution.

The organization Protect Young Minds recently completed a research project studying why kids use porn. Combining their findings with that of Be Broken's work we end up with seven reasons kids turn to pornography.

Knowing these reasons then gives parents seven ways to help kids resist the allure of pornography.

1. Curiosity

The most obvious reason kids turn to pornography is out of curiosity about sex or to gain understanding about sexual words they have heard others use. This is not just a reason for one or two visits to pornography.

Even teenagers are constantly hearing new sexual terms that they have not heard before. This can keep kids returning to their chosen sex educator (porn) throughout childhood and their teen years.

In addition, as kids use porn they see things they don’t understand, which keeps them searching to see more to gain understanding of what they are seeing. 

If we do not want pornography to be our child’s sex educator we have to provide an alternative. That alternative is us.

This means we have to be the first to teach our kids about sex and even what all the words they are hearing others say mean. Our kids will not know it is okay to come to us with questions about sex until we start that conversation. 

• Kids should learn the correct name for body parts at ages three to five.
• They need to know where babies come from with increasing detail from ages five to eight.
• We need to actively ask what words they are hearing that they don’t understand and then we need to explain sexual slang in appropriate ways.

There is no other option—its either us or porn (or ignorant friends) that will teach them. 

Teaching kids about sex only sounds scary at first. Once we start, our kids quickly get used to talking about sex with us. Parents are usually the most afraid to talk about sex, not kids.

2. To Feel Good

Pornography is usually sexually stimulating, even to a child.

Viewing sex causes dopamine to be released in a child’s brain, which makes them feel good inside. Kids will return just to get that feeling again. One young teenager explained seeing pornography this way, “It felt like being on a rollercoaster. Some people don’t like that but some people want to go back and feel that again.” 

Kids don’t have to be looking for pornography to stumble across it.

Playing video games, surfing for shows in a smart TV, and even doing homework online can bring up pornography even when the child is not looking for it. If this happens, and they feel the rush of dopamine, they may want to return to feel that again.

We can explain to our kids that looking at pornography can make us feel good. We can even tell them it does this by causing dopamine to be released in our brain. But we can explain that pornography is very addictive and we can easily become trapped by it, almost as if we are its slave. We should not lie, yes pornography can feel good, but there are better ways to feel good. 

Kids who have felt the rush of pornography will have the hardest time resisting it when they are bored. So, we need to help our kids be better at finding things to do when they are bored. We need to encourage our children to be creative in finding ways to experience fun and excitement. Perhaps some things can be changed at home that make life feel a little less dull.

3. To Relieve Stress

Using porn to relieve stress is less about wanting to feel good than running away from bad feelings. Stress relief is about seeking comfort during times when difficult emotions are present.

It is common for children and teens to turn to pornography or some other form of sexual stimulation when they feel anxious, rejected, or some other negative emotion.

For many kids, pornography can become the go-to method for coping with stress.

To prevent this we need to teach our children how to be aware of their emotions and how to process them. We call this “emotional resilience,” or being emotionally strong.

The levels of anxiety we see reflected in the news demonstrates that our entire society has become emotionally weak. This is something our entire family needs work on. It starts with learning to talk about our feelings all the time.

• We can start teaching preschool kids how to explain what they are feeling instead of throwing a tantrum.
• We can teach elementary children a larger vocabulary of feelings.
• We can teach kids ages 8 and up how to identify what they are feeling and plan ahead what to do the next time they feel those feelings.
• We can teach adolescents how to identify their core emotional triggers and make plans to deal with those before they start feeling tempted to look at pornography for escape.

This process of developing emotional resilience lasts all of childhood (and beyond).

4. To Make Sense of Sexual Contact or Abuse

When a child has a sexual experience, whether due to abuse or experimentation, they sometimes turn to pornography to make sense of what happened.

Studies show that one in three girls and one in six boys are sexually abused.

More children than that have experimented sexuality with another child in some way.

These encounters leave a child wondering if what they experienced is normal. If they are afraid to tell their parents what happened they may look up what happened to them online to see it again. They attempt to use pornography to process their feelings.

To prevent this from happening we need to be asking our children what they are experiencing. If they begin to act odd, such as isolating or acting out more than normal, its time to talk and see if something happened that upset them.

We will have to assure them that they will not be in trouble for whatever they tell us, as fear of punishment is the most common reason children are afraid to talk to parents about sexual experiences. If parents do discover a child has been abused they should immediately seek professional help.

5. Peer Pressure

All kids want to fit in.

In today’s world children will hear their friends talking about pornography and joking about sexual things they have seen online. Kids will hear other kids talk about pornographic websites and not be able to join in the conversation because they don’t understand what their friends are talking about.

Kids may be made fun of for not knowing what pornography is. This can even happen in Christian schools, homeschool environments, and church settings.

Sometimes the motivation to use pornography is no more complicated than wanting to understand what their friends are talking about so they can join in the conversation next time. Kids want to fit in and be a part of the group. This is particularly true with kids ages 12-14 or so. 

We can help our children by frequently asking them what their friends are talking about.

If we know they are old enough that their friends are probably using pornography it is wise to ask them if they hear other kids talk about porn. If they seem afraid to talk we can tell our stories of learning that our friends were using porn when we were kids. Then we can ask if they ever feel like looking just to see what their friends are talking about.

We can ask them how it feels to not be a part of something their friends are involved in. This is mostly about listening to let them process their feelings. 

Feeling left out is not a pleasant experience. We should express empathy for a child who does not look at pornography but feels left out as a result. We should feel empathy for a child who does look at pornography in order to fit in. We can help them try to find other ways to fit in or even help them find friends with the same values as they want to have.

6. To Feel Freedom

Some children live in highly restrictive homes where they feel like they do not have the freedom to express their feelings or make any choices on their own.

While structure is good, when it becomes rigid and regimented a child may feel unnoticed or unimportant. No child wants to feel less important than the house rules. In these cases pornography becomes a secret way to rebel and experience a few moments of freedom.

The feeling of freedom is what they seek, even more than a sexual rush.

To prevent this, parents need to make sure their child feels a sense of independence and freedom to say what is on their mind. It does not mean a child should get to do whatever they want, but they should be able to at least express their feelings about what they do and don’t want to do without punishment.

All children should have some times when they have freedom to do things they like. While many parents do this instinctively, some parents will find this difficult, as it is not how they were raised. 

Yet, when we do not allow children any freedom, choice, or ability to express emotions, that bottled up frustration has to come out somewhere. Overly strict homes do not allow compromise but insist on compliance.

Compromise is hard for everyone, including parents, but a necessary skill. Children do need to learn to accept disappointment but parents also need to learn to give children some freedom. The alternative is always destructive.

7. To Feel Validated

Girls today often face frequent sexual comments by boys and can easily feel like sexual objects.

Girls will notice that boys often pay most attention to the girls who laugh at sexual comments made to them, who wear more revealing clothing, or who flirt with boys. A girl who does know what to make of this may find herself searching for answers online and end up with a lot of  pornography on her computer or device.

It is easy for a girl to get caught up in pornography trying to make sense of how she is supposed to be validated by others.

Boys often make fun of each other, calling each other emasculating names. When boys feel rejected by peers in this or other ways they experience a deep need for validation.

When a boy stumbles across pornography, the sexual images looking back at him can appear to be validating him.

This feeling of validation can be brought on by oxytocin.

In addition to dopamine, sexual stimulation releases oxytocin in the brain. Oxytocin is a hormone that causes us to feel emotionally bonded to who or whatever we are looking at when we are sexually stimulated.

Kids who need validation find porn gives them an artificial feeling of validation as oxytocin floods their brains. It may be artificial, but to a child it is better than nothing.

To help guard against this we need to do all we can to make sure our children feel validated. We do this by starting when they are very young. Validation is more than telling them, “good job” when they do something well. Girls and boys need gender-specific validation.

At some point a girl is more interested in a compliment on her looks from her dad than from her mom. She needs to know the opposite sex approves of her, and her father is the model of the opposite sex for a girl.

Boys also need approval from their dad, especially as they reach puberty and need to be affirmed in their maleness by their male role model. 

Both girls and boys need affirmation from their mothers as well. A twelve-year-old girl needs to hear her mother say, “If all the twelve year old girls in the world were lined up, I would still pick you.”

Boys need to hear similar things from their mothers. Not compliments on what they achieve, but of who they are. 

Next Steps

This information is too much for any parent to take in all at once. Instead of worrying about doing it all, pick one of these seven areas you think you can improve on in your home. Here are some examples:

• Curiosity: See our Recommended Books list for books to teach your child more about sex.
• Boredom: Talk as a family of ways to have fun, and then go do it.
• Stress: Talk about healthy ways to relieve anxiety and disappointment. 
• Abuse: Ask your child if someone has touched their private area if you are concerned. 
• Peer Pressure: Share your stories of peer pressure as a child and ask your child to share some of theirs.
• Freedom: Ask your children if they feel they have freedom at home. Listen and consider ways to improve house rules.
• Validation: Take your child out for their favorite food and tell them how important they are to you, just the way they are.

For more parenting help, visit our Family Care Resources. 
​

Related Article: 
In a Sexualized Culture, Children Need an Ally 

​Maybe you have been hesitant to join a wives care support group?

After I discovered sexual  betrayal in my marriage, the last thing on my mind was joining a group!

“Who would ever want to sit in a circle, share their sad story, and listen to other women sharing their sad stories?” was my thinking. “How depressing is that! After all, isn’t my husband the one with issues? Why would I need a support group?”

But after attending a Wives Care group, my thinking changed. Would you like to know why?

Here are my “Ten Reasons Why a Support Group Helps You Heal From Betrayal": 

1. VALIDATION

A support group helps you discover you are not alone by decreasing isolation and shame.

Upon first discovery, it’s hard to know who you can trust to share your story. Feelings of shame may keep you in isolation and secrecy, yet talking about it would bring relief to your soul, meeting the longing for someone to tell who would validate your feelings and understand your sadness and despair.

Meeting other women who have also experienced betrayal allows you to realize you aren’t the only one this has happened to. You no longer feel invisible in our pain.  2 Corinthians 1:3-4

2. FRIENDSHIP

A support group creates connection with others, helping you to experience increased social networks and friendships. It provides a sense of community while walking through this valley.

There is a bonding among groups who share similar painful circumstances. Pain has a bonding effect. When betrayal is the common denominator, we experience a “me, too” moment. We empathize and are able to comfort one another, with the same comfort we receive from Jesus.

We heal in relationships. The gift of new friendships can be the source of unexpected blessings during this time. Some even find lifetime friends in a support group. Proverbs 18:24

3. SAFETY

A support group allows you to find your voice and provides a safe space to share your story. (Group offers safety, empathy, validation, and support.)

Confidentiality is key among those attending a support group. We need a safe space to lay our anguish down, and assurance that our story will not be the source for gossip, (as it could be among friends who simply do not “get it”) bringing peace and relief.

A support group helps us to find some sense of trust—even though we’ve recently experienced a crushing blow and are left wondering if we will ever trust our spouse again. John 14:27

4. RESOURCES

A support group shares information and resources.

Betrayed women long to understand reasons for what just happened to them. Although not everything has an explanation, women in support groups receive a wealth of information to help them process the pain and begin the healing journey.

Books, videos, articles, podcasts and names of counselors (with a trauma-informed approach) are shared so women can heal most effectively. 

5. TOOLS

A support group empowers you. You will learn to be assertive and set healthy boundaries.

Most women are at a loss about what her next steps should be after the discovery of betrayal. Wives Care groups introduce the need for safety, self-care, healthy boundaries, and many topics to put wives on a path of emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual healing and wholeness.

As you heal, your worth and God-given value are realized — worth more than rubies! Self respect returns as healing begins, establishing your true worth as a Daughter of the Most High King. Isaiah 61:3

6. FAITH

A support group helps you rediscover hope and points to the true source of hope, Jesus.

After betrayal, we are often left feeling hopeless and helpless. We may be having a crisis of faith—which is NORMAL—and have additional feelings of guilt because of our questioning God’s part in all of this.

Hearing stories of God’s faithfulness to others—whether or not a marriage survives—brings hope to those full of despair. God’s promises of abundant life, and examples of women living it, give hope to those who need it most. 2 Corinthians 1:10

7. SELF-AWARENESS

A support group provides increased self-awareness, gained insights.

As healing begins, a woman realizes there may be issues she is responsible for. Taking a look at ourselves and addressing problem areas that we need to work on is key to becoming whole again.

Being able to take responsibility for our own actions shows us we are imperfect, and may need to ask others for forgiveness, as well as make changes in our behaviors to become more Christlike.

Other women encourage us in this process and give us courage to move forward with a new outlook. We learn to live day by day, living in the present moment.

8. PROCESS

A support group provides a guided process for healing.

Topics addressed in groups are the key areas of healing to help a woman move forward while processing feelings.  Anger, grief and lament, self-care, identity in Christ, boundaries, triggers and grounding, are elements regarding betrayal trauma needing to be addressed and processed. Each topic  guides a woman as she perseveres, regardless of her circumstances. James 1:2-3

9. SUPPORT 

A support group helps provide coping skills and offers accountability.

As each woman is allowed to share and “check-in” she may discuss her feelings, ask for feedback from peers, or request accountability for future actions. Tools to help cope while riding an “emotional roller coaster “ provide safety, sanity, and stability.

Knowing she has friends who come alongside to encourage her without judgement, who hold space for her, is priceless. 2 Corinthians 13:11

10. RESILIENCE

A support group moves a woman from a victim identity into a survivor/overcomer. (You WILL breathe, laugh, trust, and hope, again!)

Understanding you have been victimized, but also realizing you cannot remain in the victim mentality indefinitely, shows that you can move forward with courage as you heal.

The ordeal betrayed women go through is difficult—no doubt—but peace, hope, and joy can be found again.

​You will realize that you are stronger and more resilient than you might think! Romans 15:13
​

Related Articles:
Through the Looking Glass 
Through a Wife's Eyes

When news stories break about the moral failure of yet another Christian leader (like Ravi Zacharias or Carl Lentz), it is shocking to some, sad to others, and paints an incongruous picture to the watching world of what it should look like to follow Jesus and lead His Church.

I don't fall into the shocked camp anymore. I've been working in full-time ministry to sexually broken people for nearly 20 years. I've heard it all, even from pastors and church leaders.

But even if I'm not shocked by what I hear these leaders share, my heart breaks for what these stories of sexual brokenness mean for them, their families, and the many lives affected by their positions of leadership.

Leadership, by definition, has consequences. 

When leadership is good, followers prosper.
When leadership is bad, followers suffer. 
When leadership is deceitful about their sin and weaknesses, followers are devastated by such betrayal of trust.

No leader is perfect or without weaknesses. We must be careful of elevating anyone to such a status of "untouchable" in the church (or any institution). That is certainly a recipe for disappointment, or worse.

It is right, however, to have some expectations of what makes one a quality leader. After all, there should be a measurable difference between good and bad leadership, for the sake of both the followers and the leader.

The question I am trying to answer here is how are Christians, those who profess faith in Jesus Christ, to respond to the moral failure of church leaders? How do we understand and process such betrayal? And in our response, how do we care well for those hurt by such leaders while also upholding the sanctity of the gospel and the goodness of ecclesiastical authority?

Above Reproach: God's Expectation of Church Leaders

The standard for pastoral leadership in the Church is spelled out plainly in Scripture: 

Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God's church? He must not be a recent convert, or he may become puffed up with conceit and fall into the condemnation of the devil. Moreover, he must be well thought of by outsiders, so that he may not fall into disgrace, into a snare of the devil. 
1 Timothy 3:2-7 (see also Titus 1:5-9)

God's standard for pastoral leadership is that he be someone "above reproach." This can't mean "perfect," for then no one could be in pastoral leadership. But it can certainly mean a man whose  life pattern  reflects the morality and maturity of a faithful follower of Christ.

When we hear terrible news of the moral failure of a pastor or church leader, we should count such news as awful because of the disregard such a leader showed for God's standard for them. Somewhere along the way compromises to integrity were made and deceit was employed to hide the truth.

At the same time, we must also remind our own local pastors and church leaders of the important and necessary standard God has for them. Let us be an encouragement to those who are living above reproach in their desire to honor Christ and serve His Church. Not all church leaders are living double lives.

Accountability: No Church Leader is Above Church Discipline

Because God does have a standard for leaders in His Church, and because such leaders are imperfect men, there is need for accountability of those in leadership. And when there are stumbles and missteps in their lives or leadership, discipline is necessary.

No church leader is above church discipline!

Where I believe most error occurs in these stories of leaders who end up being front page news for their moral failures is lack of accountability from peers and/or overseeing bodies of authority (i.e. elders, board of directors, etc.).

So much heartache and division could have been mitigated (but not eliminated) if these leaders had simply submitted to their fellow believers when they first started drifting toward sin. Or if the governing leaders pressed in and asked hard questions when they saw or heard things that gave them suspicion of hidden sin.

One of the most insidious lies of the enemy is convincing Church leaders that their position is more important than their character. When leaders stay silent about their sin, the Church suffers far more than if they confess and submit to redemptive discipline. 

When a church leader does confess and repent, they need other leaders around them to support them and hold them accountable to a plan for reconciliation (and possibly restoration). 

The Differences between Repentance, Reconciliation, and Restoration

In order to understand how to respond to the moral failure of church leaders, one must understand God's desire to redeem all that is broken in creation, and how that redemptive process works in the life of a church leader struggling with immorality.

Biblically, there is a kind of "3-step process" for fallen church leaders to follow in order to participate in God's redemptive plan: Repentance, Reconciliation, and Restoration.*

Repentance

For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. (2 Cor. 7:10)

For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
    and done what is evil in your sight.
-Psalm 51:3-4

The only way that healing can occur in a church leader who has violated their office is through repentance. Unless there is true brokenness and "godly grief" over their sin, change cannot happen.

To repent is to "change one's mind" about an action taken. It is more than simply confession. To confess is to "agree with truth," but to repent is to respond to truth with a willful desire to change.

When those closest to the church leader who has fallen learn of his sin, they need to call him to personal repentance. There will be a time for dealing with the effects of his sin on other people and the consequences he must face as a result, but he first needs to know that without true repentance over his sin he cannot experience the cleansing forgiveness of God that leads to hope and joy. (Ps. 51:7-12)

This is no time for excuses from the fallen church leader. Excuses, blame shifting, or other attempts to minimize what happened are sure signs that the leader has not repented. Stand firm on this point. While those wounded by the leader can heal and move forward even if he doesn't repent, God commands repentance from all who sin against Him.

One final note on repentance: it happens both in a moment and over time. There can be powerful moments of contrition and brokenness; the Holy Spirit can crush the pride and break open great floods of "godly grief" and remorse. But it also takes time to cultivate an "attitude of repentance," a desire to keep one's mind open to the instruction and correction of God and His Word.

Patience is required at every stage of this kind of healing.  

Reconciliation

Only when there has been repentance can there be reconciliation (and eventually possibly restoration). So, if a fallen church leader remains unrepentant these next two stages of healing and transformation remain "on hold." In such cases, instruction from Matthew 18 can provide guidance for how to handle the leader's unrepentant heart.

There are several key relationships that need reconciliation once repentance is genuine:

Family Reconciliation

Whether the leader's wife was aware of his indiscretions or not, there will be a need for reconciling. There is no such thing as a "righteous" marriage when one spouse (or both) is living a double life. 

Professional counseling is highly recommended for this stage of healing.

There may also be other family relationships that need reconciling: kids, parents, in-laws, and others. Focus on the nuclear family first, working out to other layers of relatives as necessary.

Leadership Reconciliation

Those in leadership over or around the fallen church leader must implement appropriate church discipline. The repentant church leader then needs to pursue personal reconciliation with each leader to whom he broke trust. 

This is about personal reconciliation between leaders, not restoration of the church leader's former position. Whether or not the church leader ever holds another ministry leadership position, there are personal relationships that need to be healed.

Trust was violated. Betrayal was felt. Anger, confusion, hurt, and disappointment need to be processed. Eventually, forgiveness must be granted to the repentant church leader. This all takes time.

Friend Reconciliation

One can't live a double life without hurting friends. The whole premise of keeping secrets is lying. At some point, everyone gets lied to by a person living a double life. This includes friends.

Most likely when the news of the church leader's failure becomes public, everyone close to the church leader will take a few steps back. They are hurt, confused, and angry. It makes sense that they would want some space. And that's ok.

In my view, it doesn't matter who makes the first move to try and reconcile the broken friendship. Regardless, the church leader must still be repentant and allow his friends time to grieve. 

Over time, as the leader grows in humility, friends can forgive and hopefully establish a new foundation for a friendship built on truth and grace. Again, all this takes time and good counsel, a lot of it.

Follower Reconciliation

Reconciliation with followers is often very difficult and very sticky. These are people who exhibited voluntary trust in the leader. They chose to follow him. They were under no real obligation; they freely submitted. Then the lid came off.

It's hard to describe this kind of pain. In some ways, it can feel like the betrayal of a spouse (I'm not saying these are equivalent). And the closer the followers were to the leader (either in proximity or in relationship), the violation penetrates deeper.

Reconciliation with followers can take the longest and really isn't the first priority for the fallen church leader. The main task of caring for the followers needs to fall to the elders or governing body of the organization. Counseling, support, and prayer with grieving individuals and families is critical during such a season.

After the church leader has exhibited true repentance and been working on healing family and leader relationships, there may be an opportunity for reconciliation with followers. This needs to be at the direction and wisdom of the elders or governing body (assuming there was no collusion by such individuals with the leader's duplicity). Much gentleness, patience, and care is needed for this stage of healing.

Keep in mind, reconciliation is distinct from restoration. To be reconciled is to heal the personal damage done by the leader's sin and deceit. This does not mean the leader will (or should be) restored to their ministry position. 

Restoration

​Is it ever right for a fallen church leader to be restored to their ministry position? It depends. 

​Each church has to determine what to do about restoring a church leader to their ministry position after living in secret sin. While there are not concrete biblical mandates on how to do this, there are some principles to guide our thinking. 

Type of Offense (Legalities)

Not all sins are equal in their effect, even though all sin is a violation of God's holy standards. Some sins cross legal lines and need to be dealt with accordingly. In cases of criminal offenses, it would not be possible or wise to restore a leader to his ministry position.

For "lesser" offenses there might be the possibility of a restored ministry position, but that needs to be at the discretion of a governing body and in light of how the leader engages all the other aspects of healing and growth we have highlighted in this article.

Of incredible importance is understanding that restoration to ministry is not the goal! Upholding the gospel of Jesus and working toward the healing of all parties affected by the leader's sin is the primary concern. We are called to unity and holiness in the body of Christ; people are more important than positions.

Length and Severity of Deception

How long the leader has been living a double life is also a factor in determining if restoration to ministry is possible or prudent. The difference between a few months versus many years can play a huge factor in the kind of response the leader has to church discipline and the kind of damage done to the church and members.

Was the leader's deception willful or avoidant? Did he actively orchestrate elaborate ways to ensure his sin remained secret or was he passively "keeping his mouth shut" hoping no one would notice. Neither case is right or good, but understanding the degree of deception can help in knowing how damaged or seared is the conscience of the leader.

A church leader who has devolved into patterns of serial narcissism is likely unfit for any future office of leadership in the Church.  

Repentance and Attitude of Leader

A huge factor in determining whether a fallen church leader is able to be restored to ministry is their attitude and heart for repentance. 

When King David was confronted by the prophet Nathan concerning his adulterous and murderous actions, David responded with contrition and repentance. (2 Sam. 12:13, Psalm 51) He didn't deflect responsibility. He didn't blame. His soul was crushed and he poured out his heart to God in hope of mercy.

But even if a leader is truly repentant of their sin, this doesn't automatically mean they should be restored to church leadership. Remember, the goal is not reacquiring a position, the goal is unity and holiness in the body of Christ, the Church. 

The Lord must ultimately be the one to determine if the repentant leader is once again fit for a ministry position, and the governing body must pray for wisdom to hear clearly the Lord's instruction on the matter.

Safety and Wellness of Church Members

Finally, it is vital that the safety and well-being of the entire church membership be taken into account when considering the restoration of a fallen leader. Elders are charged with "shepherding the flock." Many factors must be taken into account across the entire congregation before moving toward restoring a fallen leader to a position of church leadership.

----------

Restoration requires lots of time, lots of prayer, lots of wisdom, lots of patience, and lots of faith. In the end, it is God's call on whether a fallen leader can once again serve in church leadership.

When done well, these are typically the developing characteristics of restored leaders:

• Humility; the wellness of the flock is more important than position or power.
• Openness and transparency; there is accountability of time, money, and relationships.
• Team leadership; there are no Lone Rangers in the family of God.
• Teachability; listening outpaces talking.
• Spiritual maturity; allegiance to Jesus and His Word guides everything.

Holding the Tension between Truth and Grace

Possibly the hardest thing to do when we learn of the moral failure of a Christian leader is to hold the tension between truth and grace, between justice and love. Only Jesus has ever held this tension perfectly.

What makes holding this tension so difficult is that both responses are correct from God's vantage point. It is correct to respond to a church leader's sin with righteous anger, a clear call for justice. He has violated the trust of his followers and sullied the Name and Word of God. 

But love and mercy are also the correct response. Who of us can stand before another person as a sinless judge? In the same way that we cry out for mercy regarding our own sin, we must extend love to the sinful church leader. 

This is what Jesus did for all of us on the cross: He displayed both justice and love. God's justice was enacted by punishing our sins that were laid on Jesus' back. God's love was displayed by it being the sinless Jesus who bore that penalty on our behalf. Justice and love came together in the beaten, bloody Jesus who cried out: "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." (Luke 23:34)

Sin demands justice. We cannot ignore potential charges when a church leader's sin violates the law. We cannot ignore the pain inflicted on followers and the trust that has been broken. There are consequences to sin.

But God also desires mercy. When a church leader (or any fellow believer) is repentant, Christians are commanded to forgive. (Matt. 18:21-34)

Will any of us hold this tension between truth and grace, justice and love, perfectly? No. Does this release us before God from trying? No. 

Jesus Christ was "full of grace and truth." (John 1:14) As His followers, we too must strive to walk in step with him, holding that same tension between grace and truth as we navigate responding to moral failures in church leaders (or any fellow Christians).

Proclaim the Gospel throughout the Aftermath
​
What often gets lost (or reframed) in the aftermath of the moral failure of a church leader is the gospel of Jesus Christ. After all, since church leaders are to be ambassadors of the gospel message, it makes sense that the gospel takes a hit when a church leader violates God's standard for their position.

Enemies of Christ shout all the louder that the gospel isn't true; that the so-called Savior can't actually save and transform lives. After all, just look at the fallen church leader. 

Some Christians will walk away from their faith, convinced that their trust in Jesus was in vain since the leader they followed has proven himself a fraud. Their pain and anger become the lens through which they view the gospel.

But Christians must not allow the failures of men to nullify or reshape the clear gospel message of Jesus Christ.

The Good News of Jesus stands on its own because it is God's message of salvation for all who believe. No person can ultimately thwart the redemptive plan of God.

Therefore, never stop proclaiming God's message of salvation during the aftermath of a church leader's moral failure. When people are hurting and angry and confused and swimming in doubt, bring them back to the simple, pure message of Jesus Christ. He is the one they need to look to for hope and salvation, not the fallen church leader.

Sometimes when these devastating events take place it reveals where one's true hope and confidence was placed. Was it in Christ alone or in the church leader? Did followers even understand the gospel, or were they just swept up in the charisma and "talent" of the leader?

With gentleness and wisdom, use this season of healing to clarify the gospel:

• All have sinned and violated God's righteous standards. (Rom. 3:23)
• The just penalty for sin is death, separation from God. (Rom. 6:23)
• No one can satisfy God's justice on their own. (Gal. 2:16)
• God loves us and does not want us to die apart from Him. (John 3:16)
• God sent His only Son, Jesus Christ, to live the life we couldn't, die the death we should've, rise from the grave in power over sin and death, and give us salvation and eternal life through childlike faith (trust) in Him.

When any church leader lives a double life of sin and deceit, it is painful and heartbreaking when the truth comes out. But the gospel of Jesus Christ is not reliant on whether or not human agents carry that message perfectly (none of us do). But we must all humble ourselves before God, repenting of our own sin before Him, and striving to live as faithful witnesses to a lost and dying world.

Of one thing we can be sure: Jesus Christ never fails; He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. (Heb. 13:8) Let us praise God for this truth and continue to call others to put their trust in Christ, not church leaders.

*See book Unpunishable by Danny Silk
​

Related Articles: 
3 Tactics Satan Employs to Destroy Our Lives 
Why Repentance is Essential to a Life of Integrity 

​Desire.

How often do you use this word or even think about it? What is desire?

Desire is defined as: “a conscious impulse toward something that promises enjoyment or satisfaction in its attainment.”

Desires are part of being human and woven into our created nature. But what we desire can often trip us up -- and I believe that’s what James was warning us about when he wrote:

But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desires. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death. (James 1:14-15)

The world we live in fuels those deadly desires. Media, TV, movies, commercials...it’s everywhere. Gotta have the best car, house, clothes...on and on and on. All these things pollute and push out (or at least set aside) the desires of our heart that God our Father would have for us. 

Human desires became broken when Eve bought Satan’s lie and Adam failed to fend off his deceit. 

But God…

As part of the redemptive plan of God in Christ Jesus desire is in play. Human desire was one of the parts of mankind that was broken in the fall in the Garden of Eden. Before the eating of the fruit man and woman were unaware of evil; having an evil desire was not in the mind or heart of humanity.

Then the crafty serpent deceived the man and woman, the lie was bought and evil desire entered the human mind and experience. The very deadly desires that James warned about. 

The plan to redeem

Psalm 37:3-5  Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.

James 4:2-3  You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

God gave you the capacity to desire; to experience "a conscious impulse toward something that promises enjoyment or satisfaction in its attainment." In God's plan, desire was intended to lead us to good things; to places of goodness, truth, and beauty that really would produce joy and contentment. 

But since the Fall in the Garden, two huge questions remain:

What do I do now with the truth of God's good design?
And how can I change my broken evil desires?

Good questions. The good news is that desires can be changed by the grace and power of God. So, let's talk about a few practical things you can start doing today to effect that change. 

I know this: Life change happens when heart change happens. Changing evil desires and shaping new and right-minded desires is an inside job. 

• Prayer is the first step. You’d expect to hear that, right? And for good reason. Pray fervently that God would change your desires for things that honor him. Review the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-24) and start there.
• Watch carefully what you feed our mind through your eyes and ears. Starve the lust of the flesh and instead feed you heart, mind and soul healthy thoughts.
• Revive or start a new habit. Take a daily walk and listen to Christian music or a podcast. I enjoy light instrumental jazz music during the day to keep my mind at ease.
• Spend time with people who are walking this practice out in their lives. Learn from them. He who walks with the wise becomes wise. 
• Pick up an old hobby or start a new one. (woodworking, star gazing, photography, cooking, etc.)
• Prayer. Prayer is both the first step and the ongoing final step. This practice focuses your mind on that which is pure, lovely, honorable. (Phil. 4:8)

Identity and Beliefs

Here are two areas of life that can really trip you up: identity and beliefs. How you see yourself shapes your belief system about yourself. What does that mean? 

People tend to see circumstances how they want to see them, not as the circumstances actually are. What that means is we tend to see life through a "me-shaped" lens; we will see the world around us through a reflection of ourselves.

Optimists see circumstances differently than pessimists. Skeptics view circumstances generally...well..skeptically. If you’re in a tough situation then that difficulty usually impacts how you view things around you. See what I mean?

So, if our self-belief systems are polluted by wounds, addictions, bad relationships and a host of other things, what we believe about ourselves, our value and identity will likely also be negatively impacted.

Here’s where a right perspective of identity is profoundly important. In a saving faith relationship with Jesus Christ, we have been given the right to become children of God (John 1:12). We are saved by grace, through faith (Eph 2:8-9) and not of any good deed or work we do. 

In that moment of salvation through faith Christ Jesus, your identity is forever and eternally changed. You have just become a beloved and adopted son (or daughter) of the Most High God. Did you get that? You are now a prince (or princess) in the Kingdom of God the Father; the Creator who's image you bear. 

When you choose to believe that and receive it in your heart, soul and mind it can change everything! Is this change instant? No, but I sure wish it was. 

I believe this is part of the sanctification journey we are on as Christians. We need to choose to believe our new identity in Christ. Remind yourself of this truth daily (or however often you need). 

In light of this truth of your immense value as a child of God, you are free to open yourself up to the work of God's indwelling Spirit to change your broken desires to Christ-like desires. You don't have to obey the lies of the enemy anymore.

Summary

The redemption of your Garden-of-Eden-fractured desires is part of God’s plan to redeem the whole you. Start this process by recognizing your true identity given to you in Christ Jesus, by God the Father. 

With your identity framed in the right perspective (knowing your true value and worth to God), you can begin to change your desires with a new heart and the “new creation” God declares you to be. 

Related Articles: 
God Isn't Mad at You 
Why Some in Recovery Feel Hopeless 
Will Change Ever Come? 

As an adult looking back on the images and experiences that shaped your sexuality, does it seem like some important elements were missing? As you encountered various things related to sex did you have to navigate them on your own? Did the lack of God-honoring information and the abundance of misinformation leave you vulnerable and without anyone to turn to?

The majority of parents I speak with would say yes, yes, and yes.

You may not have had anyone to process your experiences with. You may not have been protected well. You may not have received the support and information you needed. But you can forge a better way with your family today.

Several days after giving my Allies* talk to a group of parents, one of the attendees reached out to thank me. She said the timing was truly God’s as her twelve-year-old daughter had come to her sobbing and with a confession. She’d been looking at people having sex online. She was simply curious about sex, but once she’d found the videos, she continued to seek them out (which is a common response to discovering porn). She was riddled with fear, guilt, and shame.

As this mom held her sobbing daughter the thought “Be her ally” immediately came to mind. Those three words changed everything about the way she and her husband responded.

Instead of reacting with condemnation and consequences, this mom began empathizing with her child’s feelings of curiosity and arousal as well as the temptation to watch again. Soon after, Dad joined the conversation, sharing about his own struggles with porn around her age, empathizing with his child’s interest as well as her shame.

Now they’re reading good materials together and talking more openly. Their daughter is choosing healthy alternatives when the desire to view porn returns. God is using all of this to wipe away the shame and to prepare the way for more and better conversations.

These parents are creating an atmosphere in their home that will encourage their child to turn to them rather than hide from them as she encounters new challenges related to sexuality. They’re becoming her trusted resource for the information she needs. They’re becoming her ally.

What Satan meant for evil in this child’s life God is using for good. (Gen. 50:20) The darkness will not win because the light dispels it. An ally brings truth wrapped in grace, and truth sets us free.

What about your child? Would he or she feel safe talking with you about tender topics like sexuality or sexual sin?

Of all the good things you’ll teach and model for your child, very few will be as important as God-honoring sexuality. There’s nothing to fear because God will lead you. He goes before you to prepare the good works He has for you, and we at Be Broken would like to help you become the ally your child needs.

Where to Start

Just like the mom and dad I spoke of earlier, you can do this too, starting right now.

• Prayerfully consider the experiences and encounters which served to shape your sexuality and how you could have used an ally.
• Consider talking with a trusted friend or counselor to become more comfortable with your own story and find needed healing.
• If your kids are young, normalize conversations related to sexuality early by naming body parts and teaching appropriate boundaries. Read God Made All of Me: A Book to Help Children Protect Their Bodies by Justin Holcomb (ages 2-8).
• Commit to answering any question with a short, honest answer. This will help foster a safe atmosphere for conversations that are more personal in nature.
• Whether your kids are younger or older, read Honest Talk: A New Perspective on Talking to Your Kids About Sex by John Fort.
• Consider resources from Be Broken including online courses and a personal consultation with me or John Fort. 
• For help with a child or teen currently struggling with porn, check out this online course for parent and child to do together: A Family Game Plan for Responding to Porn. 

If you’re uncertain about how to begin conversations, especially with an older child, consider talking in a setting where you’re not face to face such as while hiking or sitting outdoors. You could begin with something very broad like this:

“I’ve been thinking about how things were when I was your age. Tell me what it’s like to be a ___-year-old today.” 

Listen well, resisting the urge to lecture or judge. Eventually steer the conversation around to something related to relationships, bodies, porn, or sex, and then share something related from your own childhood, for example, “When I was about your age some friends showed me porn. I was kind of fascinated but instinctively I knew it was bad. But I didn’t feel safe talking with my parents about it.”

By being vulnerable first, you’ll begin to win your child’s trust.

Remember that it takes courage to talk about bodies, porn, or sex. Be encouraging of small first steps.

Gently explore what might be the root of any resistance on your child’s part. Even resistant children will appreciate the fact that you care and your desire to help. Perhaps a humble acknowledgment of the lack of conversation so far may be needed. You can even admit that it’s a little awkward for both of you but that it will get easier.

Children appreciate authenticity. Share how a lack of information impacted you and your current desire to do better for your child.

Remember, you’re building something very good, and good things take time. You’re growing a relationship founded on authenticity and grounded in truth. You’re becoming a safe place, a port in the cultural storm.

Conversations may have been missing in your home growing up. They may be lacking in the Church today. But there’s really only one way to change that, and that’s by starting conversations in our homes right now. 

Be her ally. 

Be his ally.

Know that you have an ally in Christ who will provide all you need for this leg of your parenting journey! Also, if there’s resistance on your part please check out the many resources Be Broken offers. 

We are here for you, and if you’d like more information about bringing a presentation like Allies to your church or community, please contact us.
​

Related Articles: 
Will Talking to My Child About Sex Ruin Their Innocence 
Tips for Protecting Kids Against Sexual Abuse 

Schedule a Personal Ministry Consult with Anne 

A Personal Ministry Consult is a 1-time confidential conversation with a member of our staff to help you gain insights and assistance from someone who has personal and professional experience in this field of ministry.

1. There is a way out!

1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
​
There is no such thing as a "unique" temptation. Also, there is no temptation for which God cannot provide a way out. So, when tempted guard against thinking that you are being tempted so uniquely that even God can't get you out of it. Look for His promised way of escape. Then take it!

2. Jesus knows how you feel.

Hebrew 2:18
For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.

Hebrews 4:15
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.

Even though Jesus never sinned, He did know what the weight of temptation felt like; he was "tempted as we are" and "suffered when tempted."
​
The next time you feel the burden of any temptation, remember that Jesus knows what that temptation feels like and how to carry its weight -- and He is standing ready to help you in that moment. Share your burden with Him.

3. Submit to resist.

James 4:7
Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

Satan is called the accuser and he uses temptation as a way of bringing accusation against you to try and convince you your life isn't worth loving. Every time you give in to temptation he "tattles" to God about you and tries to rub your nose in your failure. But Satan is no match for God; his authority is subservient to God's.

Therefore, if you want to win the fight with Satan you must submit to God first. Then, from such a position of humble allegiance you can tell the enemy to get lost -- and have the full backing of God when doing so! ​

5. Don't blame God!

James 1:13
Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one.
​
Some temptations can be so incredibly strong. It can seem as if there is no possible way to resist. In such moments it can be easy to "blame" God for these temptations, almost as if to say, "God, whatever happens next I can't help because you don't seem to be around right now. So, I guess this is on you."

But God cannot tempt anyone to do evil. This is antithetical to His holy character. We must own our temptations and cry out to God for help in our weakness. He is faithful to help us when we humble ourselves before Him. 

6. Stand firm (together) in your faith.

​1 Peter 5:9
Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.

The devil is said to "prowl around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." That's what temptation is trying to accomplish: your destruction. But you are called by God to resist him by standing firm in your faith and remembering that you are not alone in this fight. 

Calling to mind (or on your phone!) your brothers and sisters in Christ around the world is a great and powerful encouragement in your battle to resist the temptations of the roaring lion who is trying to devour you. Just like in the wild, if you stay in the herd you are much safer against the lion's attack. ​

10. Make a covenant.

Job 31:1 (NIV)
I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman.

A covenant is a serious commitment that carries specific consequences if broken. In your battle against temptation, get serious about your areas of weakness and consider making a covenant like Job did. He wasn't flippant about what he would allow himself to look at with his eyes. He took his gaze seriously. 

What aspects of your heart, mind, and body might you need to make a covenant in order to resist temptation more successfully? ​

13. Ask for help!

Hebrews 4:16
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

By God's grace we have access to all the help we need for resisting temptation -- if only we will ask! When you are tempted, don't waste time trying to "figure it out" or do it on your own. Instead, "draw near" as fast as you can to the Lord, eager to receive mercy and grace as you battle temptation.

These are just a handful of verses to help you resist temptation. Dive into God's Word every day so that you might know Him more and learn to walk in His ways. Over time, your faith will grow and you will experience more and more victory over temptation.
​
Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.
-Jude 1:24-25
​

Related Articles:
Pluck Your Eye Out 
Obedience: Overcoming Resistance 
​Not All Stress is Bad