Stories. They can be fiction or nonfiction. There can be varying degrees of truth and creative freedom in the mixing of the two. 

What is also true about most stories is their ability to connect with us at a personal level. They enable us to enter into another person's life even to a point of empathy, depending on our personal experiences relating to a given story.

The greatest of all nonfiction stories ever written and told is that of Jesus the Christ. The core tenants of His story are amazing. God in full deity chose to come into His creation in the form of His own creation. Mankind. 

Jesus, born of a virgin girl in a very unclean stable, grew up experiencing the typical life of a child in the culture and society of that time. Yet fully God and fully human He grew up until He fulfilled the mission for which God sent Him: death on a cross. Many believed that was the end of Jesus' story. 

It was not. 

It may have been a chapter change, but Sunday morning, the third day was a barn burner of a new chapter of new beginnings! Jesus rose from the grave. He is alive! And Jesus' story continues to unfold before us today as the Gospel goes forth and his name is proclaimed. 

He continues to set captives free and welcome His brothers and sisters into the family of God. What a story!

What about Your Story?

You do have a story. A story that can inspire others. Encourage at least one person (and likely many more) to keep going another hour, day, week and beyond. Believe it or not, your story matters. 

You may say “but my story is a mess right now. How can I encourage anyone else with that?” Faithfulness to the truth of your story and transparency as you keep moving forward, no matter how slow it seems can and will give others hope. 

And hope is at a premium in today’s culture and world. 

God is the ultimate giver of Hope, and through Jesus the Christ can empower your story, even if it’s currently messy, to have impact and give hope to another. Hope usually looks a lot like someone who refuses to give up. 

Below are the lyrics from My Story sung by Big Daddy Weave and written by Michael Weaver, Jason Ingram

If I told you my story
You would hear Hope that wouldn't let go
And if I told you my story
You would hear Love that never gave up
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life, but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

But if people knew!

I can almost hear some voices saying words akin to: Yeah, but if people heard my story, what I’ve done, there is no way anyone would listen or learn from it -- or even care. Can I be boldly honest with you (I’m going to anyway…) that’s a lie straight from the father of all lies, Satan himself. 

Here’s what I know. God works in and through our confession and testimony and Satan hates it.

As we learn to share our story in proper context, form and settings we are living out James 5:16 where we are called to “confess our sins to one another and to pray for one another so that we can be healed.” The enemy of our soul hates the truth, which sets us free and will do whatever he can to keep you quiet about your story. Especially if we can sing; “Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him!”

Now I will qualify this story telling with a word of caution. If you’ve never shared your story with anyone (outside of a counselor or in a similar environment) then getting wise guidance on how and when to do so is important. 

It’s easy for the best of intentions to go sideways on you here. Sharing too much at the wrong time or environment can be painful or overwhelming. I’ve done this too many times, especially early on in my recovery journey. Please learn from my mistakes and the guidance of others. 

I Think I’m Ready to Tell My Story. What now? 

Great question. We have a form that you can use (See link below) that you can use to assemble your story. If you’ve never given your story a shape or words (a voice), this form can be a great starting point. 

And you don’t have to go alone. You can submit the form and someone from our staff will be happy to follow up with you after you’ve hit the submit button. This is a short story version of the form. 

At Be Broken Ministries we value story. Your story. Your story and ours are in a continual state of being written (and rewritten!) with new pages and chapters being added by the day. 

The song ends like this: “This is my story, this is my song, Praising my Savior, all the day long.”

I pray that in the days ahead, this too will be your song.


How to Tell Your Story
The information you submit on this form is confidential. Only care members of our staff will see your entries. We are here to help you, not harm you. ​

Growing up in Brazil, I was the little girl they propelled through the wrought-iron burglar bars on the windows when a neighbor locked their keys inside. I was small, and I liked it.
 
Now, I’m not small. But you know what? I love and respect my body more than I ever have. I have lingering issues from sexual abuse and betrayal trauma, but, most days, I can love myself more than I ever imagined. I see my body with gratitude and thank her for carrying me through my years of tears. She consumed too many convenience foods and endured countless sleepless nights. It’s been a brutal ride. My body has definitely kept the score, but she took one for the team. I love her for that! She deserves all the grace.
 
I’ve been a size ten, and I wasn’t happy about my body. I was a size six, and I wasn’t satisfied. A size zero? Not content. Now at a size eighteen, I’m more confident than ever before.
 
It has taken a decade of healing to come to terms with how fully Jesus loves me. In that love, I now have the freedom to love myself. I am his child, his beloved daughter. He created me, and he can’t not love me. My body needs some attention, and now that I’m more settled in other areas of my healing, I have the margin for that. For a while, I didn’t; there were other more pressing matters.
 
Those of us who experience betrayal and/or other sexual wounds have been fed lies about who we are, and many of us have believed them.
 
Whether spoken to us or perceived by us, many of us have come to believe negative messages about our bodies. In most if not all of us, trauma from addiction and abuse produces a broken identity; our body image is definitely a casualty.  

I can’t heal your negative body image, but I can offer a few tips that have helped me.
 

• Gratitude: Be grateful for your body. Stand in front of the mirror and tell her, “Thank you!” Thank her for all the ways she has protected you, provided for you, and carried you. Thank your eyes for being the avenue for your tears to flow. Thank your stretch-marks for making a way to grow your children. Thank your mouth for helping you drink water and most importantly for her beautiful smile. Thank your ears for hearing truth and wisdom and your brain for helping you acknowledge and process lies. Thank your hands for holding the pen as you journaled. Thank your feet for helping you drive a car to your counseling appointments or to meet a friend. Thank your stomach for doing its best to digest all the junk food you gave it or remind you with hunger pains that you needed to eat.
  
  
• Grieve: Grief is a process not to be hurried. But when we accept that “it” happened, this is when we move forward. We let go of our negative body image and pick up our beloved identity in Christ.
  
  
• Grace: 
  ​
  • Offer grace to yourself. A therapist pleaded with me on multiple occasions, “Andrea, stop being mean to yourself. You are doing to yourself exactly what others have done to you.” Let’s stop punishing ourselves.
    
    When we focus on our bodies by comparing them to what we think we should look like, we are self-objectifying.
    
     “The problem with focusing on the appearance of a porn star, sex worker, or affair partner is that you will 1) compare yourself to the other person and create pain and shame, and/or 2) you will reduce yourself to a collection of body parts.
    
    Objectification is “the action of degrading someone to the status of a mere object.”  Please don’t do that to yourself.” Vicki Tidwell Palmer
    
    
  • Offer grace to others. When we compare, we become discontent with ourselves, or we might even look down on others. When we see other women, let’s only see them as beautiful, beloved daughters of God—just as we long for others to see us.

When thinking negatively about your body, ask yourself these questions and consider your motivation.

• How old do I feel? Does the dislike of your body stem from an unhealed childhood or a previous wound? Consider when you first felt these negative feelings. We can’t heal what we don’t feel. 
  
  
• Are my hurtful thoughts from God or somewhere/someone else? Is this God speaking to you or another voice that has no business judging you? Hint: God will NEVER speak harm to his daughters.
  
  
• “Am I grasping or grounded?” Are you holding on to shame that is not yours or pain that needs to be released? Can you surrender to the love of God, your Creator? Another hint: if you’re talking to yourself negatively, you won’t feel grounded.
  
  
• Ask Jesus. Simply ask Jesus how you should see your body. “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” (James 1:5 NIV)

In keeping with the 4 C’s for Betrayal Trauma that we learn in our Wives Care Groups, I came up with 4 C’s for Body Image Recovery:

1. Connect with your body. We can’t fully heal our hearts and minds without healing our bodies too. If we need to take action for our bodies to become healthy temples, let’s do that. But doing things TO our bodies is not healthy or loving. (Let me tenderly say I understand more severe body image issues exist. So often, we experience abuse, and in turn, abuse ourselves. If this resonates, please seek professional help.)
   
   
2. Combat the enemy: Fight Satan’s lies with TRUTH! Don’t let Satan take any more than he already has. Let’s beat him at his own game – fully knowing the “game” has already been won—in the name of Jesus!
   
   
3. Care for yourself with compassion. You are worth being loved! And no one will ever love you as well and as fully as Jesus. 
   
   
4. Choose contentment. Contentment comes when we believe and accept our identity in Christ and stop striving to be who others want us to be.

If you are on the path of not accepting your body – you are in for a very long battle – against an enemy you have no power to defeat. Nature, time, biology, fate…
You don’t have the weapons to fight those powers.
Wave the white flag.
Give in.
Accept.
It is then that your life will truly begin. 

An excerpt from, Wave the White Flag, by Donna Ashworth

I believe negative body image messages are fear-based. We fear not being enough, being too much, not fitting in. We fear not belonging, not being desirable, or not achieving a certain level of success.
 
Love is the antidote to a negative body image. Perfect love casts out fear. God alone helps us become who he created us to be. Choose the love you are worthy of! You are beloved.
 
It is my prayer that the words of this song will wash over your beautiful body.

Belovedness, Song by Sarah Kroger
 
​
Resources to continue the journey:
Breaking Free from Body Shame, Jess Connelly
Surrender to Love, David G. Benner
The Cure, John Lynch
The 4:8 Principle, Tommy Newberry
The Dream of You, Jo Saxton
Try Softer, Aundi Kolber
The Truth in the Mirror, Karla Downing
Psalm 139
Song: Masterpiece, Sandi Patty

​It is a familiar story: a person struggles with sexual brokenness, they finally get help, their life changes and they experience real freedom, then months or years later they find themselves struggling once again. It can feel like nothing works. It can feel like we are too broken to be fixed. It can feel like maybe God doesn’t care enough to help in the long term. 

None of these thoughts are true; they are misguided. The misunderstanding that occurs is when we come to believe that the successful outcome of seeking help for sexual brokenness is to stop emotional pain or a specific behavior. This is true for any form of sexual brokenness, including a betrayed spouse, sex addict, survivor of sexual abuse, or child struggling to resist temptation.

The goal of healing is not to stop negative feelings or even behaviors.

Journalist Johan Hari said in his Ted Talk, “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it is human connection.” Changing behavior is something we want, but not the goal. I believe the same is true when dealing with the emotional pain that comes from sexual brokenness. 

There are multiple steps to healing from sexual brokenness. In the beginning, we do have to do some work in several areas before we can see much progress. Those areas include the following:

TRAUMA

Any form of sexual brokenness will have accompanying trauma. In fact, some form of trauma is almost always what creates sexual brokenness in the first place. That trauma does not have to be sexual, but it affects our sexuality. We need help addressing our trauma as part of our healing.

BEHAVIORS

It is also true that in the beginning of our healing we need help examining our behaviors to look for ways we react to things that are not in our best interest. This is true of all forms of sexual brokenness. Part of coming out of brokenness is learning to react in more healthy ways to our world around us and the people in it.

BELIEFS

A later stage of healing includes examining our beliefs and testing them against the truth. We may come to believe that others are not safe and cannot be trusted. Or we view ourselves as unworthy, unwanted, and of no value. Some of us decide God himself is not really good. 

Such beliefs are based in past experiences and are hard to let go of, even if we intellectually understand they are false. Yet, this is part of our healing process.

WE (THINK WE) ARE DONE

This is where some of us stop. This is the point that we typically begin to feel better. We start to feel free from compulsive behaviors, deep emotional wounds, or both. Life is no longer so dark. We feel hope in a way we may have never felt before. 

This is when many of us believe we are healed. We assume our healing process is finished and we can let go and relax. Within a few months or maybe a year, however, our sexual behaviors or deep wounds usually come racing back and overwhelm us once again.

THE MISSING CONNECTION

It is true that we need to address trauma, behaviors, and beliefs. But none of those things are what true healing is about. Those are just the precursors to lasting healing. Addressing trauma, modifying behaviors, and reframing our beliefs make it possible for us to do what healing requires: connect at a much deeper level with God and others.

We were created in God’s image for connection. God is communal in nature, illustrated by the unified Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The Trinity is not a superficial connection, but a deeply vulnerable and utterly transparent interdependence. God created us in the same way.

We were designed to need vulnerable, honest, and transparent connection to thrive. When we do not have this kind of connection with God and others, we become broken.

The mistake some of us make is to withdraw from regular, honest connections once we reach a satisfactory point in our healing. We fail to recognize that the reason we found any healing at all was because of the honest and transparent connections we had to make use of in our healing process. Our recovery was as much about those regular connections as it was about trauma, behavior, and beliefs.

At the writing of this blog I have been meeting weekly with other men to be honest about my feelings, behaviors, and beliefs for 25 years. These regular meetings, perhaps more than anything else, are what keep my healing in place.

I am not suggesting that healing is something so fragile that we must keep bolstering it up to prevent it from falling apart. I am saying that healing IS connection. To be healed is to be connected with others in regular, open conversation. To be healed is to do life together with others who are safe. To isolate is to move away from healing and back toward brokenness.

HEALTH & FITNESS

We know we should eat well to stay healthy. We know we need a certain amount of exercise not to fall into frailty. We know that having outlets for creativity keeps us in better mental shape. Our connection with others is no different.

Eating is required to survive physically but eating better food will also make us healthier. In the same way, having connection with others is required for basic mental health but the quality of those connections determines the extent of our wholeness. Shallow connections help us survive but do not help us thrive. Only deep, honest connections can keep moving us in the direction of wholeness instead of brokenness.

ALLIES

For those of us who have been sexually abused, we need safe people we talk with regularly so we can bring up past wounds any time they attempt to resurface.

For those who struggle with compulsive sexual behaviors, we need regular connection with others who know our story and will support us as we work through any triggers that come up.

For those who have been betrayed, we need regular connection with others who know our story who can be an ally when we are occasionally reminded of past traumas.

For children and adolescents who are still trying to make sense of their sexuality and temptation, they need adults to regularly talk through what they are feeling and remind them they are not alone.

Allies like this are not just for the time we are in active recovery or healing. Allies are supposed to be forever. Allies are supposed to talk often. Allies should be available at all times to support each other when needed.

We sometimes forget that God commanded all of us to do these things on a regular basis. This is something every follower of Jesus is supposed to be doing, all the time.

Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. A prayer of a righteous person, when it is brought about, can accomplish much.
—James 5;16 (NASB)

Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.
—Galatians 6:2 (NASB)

The opposite of sexual brokenness is not sobriety or the absence of emotional pain. The opposite of sexual brokenness is regular connection with God and a group of allies as we journey through our life on earth.
​

In the phone calls and conversations I’ve had with hundreds of men, one of the most common statements and themes is how the men have been trying to win their fight over addictive behaviors by themselves. 

As one of our daughters is well known for saying: “I do it myself!” 

Just like she did, these men finally ran out of options or it became too difficult or painful to keep working at building community. 

So, what keeps us from asking for help? 

Why do we continue to believe we can “manage” our sin or struggles on our own? 

There are a number of reasons and they usually travel in pairs or more. Let's explore a few of them and I’ll give you a few ways to confront the lies that these reasons tend to communicate to us.

• Fear 
  • Losing my marriage/relationships
  • Losing my job
  • No else will understand 
  • How other people will respond
• Shame
• Embarrassment 
• Pride 
• Being spiritually shunned 

This is certainly not an exhaustive list, but covers many of the reasons men keep trying to handle their struggles alone. 

The truth is none of us are meant to do life by ourselves. Most of us have heard this message before. Not everyone however. And we have an enemy who's out to steal, kill and destroy and his primary target is the truth. 

I’m growing increasingly convinced that Satan is far more interested in keeping the truth out of our minds and hearts than he is trying to sew lies into our minds. He can compound the lies we already believe about ourselves by keeping the Truth out. 

When truth is held at bay and lies of our identity and worth take root, we become the toughest bully we could ever face. We punch ourselves over and over again with self-abusive lies, such as, I’m unlovable, I'm defective, I'm worthless, I'm stupid and the list goes on and on. 

After we have heard these words spoken over us by others loud enough, long enough and frequently enough we accept them as truth. At this point, Satan can then shift his focus on keeping out the truth.

In his book, “The Screwtape Letters”, C.S. Lewis wrote in letter 21:

“Yes. A period of sexual temptation is an excellent time for working in a subordinate attack on the patient’s peevishness. It may even be the main attack, as long as he thinks it the subordinate one. But here, as in everything else, the way we must be prepared for your moral assault by darkening his intellect.” 

Lewis is also the author of Mere Christianity. This book graces the presence of my bookshelf in my office. One of the most influential books for many a Christian. 

Yes, I understand the Screwtape Letters is fiction, yet Lewis writes as one who studied the Scriptures deeply as a lay theologian and served at Oxford University as a faculty member of the English department. 

Back to the Garden

The serpent spoke to Eve in a way to get her to disbelieve the truth she’d already heard from God Himself! 

Genesis 3:4-5 - “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman.  “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

He works against the truth Eve heard and then sticks in the mix the deceit and lie that she can become just like God through the fruit and Adam follows suit, failing to protect Eve and the Garden God had charged him to manage.

In Romans 8:24-25 the Apostle Paul wrote addressing our exchanging the truth for a lie and it’s consequences: “Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves,  because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.”

What or Who is Truth?

Jesus the Christ is the Way, the Truth and the Life. (John 14:6) 

“And you will  know the truth and the truth shall set you free.” John 8:32

God’s word is truth. Jesus is the truth and he came to testify to the truth.

Is it any surprise that Satan aims to keep you and I from knowing and believing the truth of Christ?

The truth is that Christ paid the penalty for every sin you have committed or ever will commit.

When Christ said, “It is finished”, it was finished. Done. Paid in full.

You will find this verse at the end of each of my emails: Galatians 5:1  “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

Here’s some truth that you may need to be reminded of today. As a man or woman who has confessed Christ Jesus as Savior and Lord, who stands forgiven understanding it is Jesus finished work that forgives your sin, God says you are HIS child. 

You are an adopted and beloved son or daughter of the King of kings, the Creator of heaven and earth. That's the truth that Satan would love to steal, kill and destroy from within your mind. 

Coming back to where we began

Here’s where we return to one being too small a number. When did Satan come after Eve? When she was alone. (At least she was acting like she was alone...)

When did King David fall and sin grievously against the Lord and commit murder? When he was alone. 

When did Moses kill an Egyptian soldier? When he thought he was alone (unseen). 

We are vulnerable to fall just like these heroes of the faith when we are alone. 

Life is meant to be lived in connection -- in community. God exists as a Triune God: Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Community. 

Recovery and transformation into a free man (or woman) is meant to be done in community through connection. One is too small a number for this journey. 

God called out Adam in the Garden. Nathan called out King David and Moses was called out for his murderous act. 

Community is Where Healing Begins

James 5:16 says: “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”

Proverbs 17:17 - A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

Ecclesiastes 4:10b “But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!”

And if these verses don’t convince us, remember Jesus began His ministry on earth by recruiting 12 men to walk with, teach, comfort, help and do life with. The gospel was taught and shared in community. 

You need others to walk with you on the road to transformation. Someone else may need you to walk with them on their journey road to redemption and transformation. 

One is simply too small a number. We need one another. Bear one another's burdens and watch God work. 

He is faithful and will do it.

• Resources for Men 
• Resources for Women 
• Resources for Family 

“Every Christian community must realize that not only do the weak need the strong, but also that the strong cannot exist without the weak. The elimination of the weak is the death of fellowship.” 
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I'm not a biologist, but I struggle to think of anything in the animal kingdom that thrives (or even survives) alone. I believe humans especially suffer when left alone. More so than maybe any other creature on the planet we need each other. Yet, so often the wounds we carry from the difficulty and cruelty of life are carried alone. This is no way to thrive (or survive).

Having lived a life of addiction myself, I can predict a common question that might come from those drowning in the self-deception of compulsive thoughts and behaviors that seem impossible to shake: 

"What are the benefits of togetherness?" 

In other words, what's in it for me? (By the way, this is the way an addicted person thinks about everything: me, me, me.)

Well, I have good news. There is a lot in it for those who are willing to step into the realm of community and engage in the process of doing life together with others. 

The following are five benefits that I believe make doing life together way better than doing it alone.

Together we find comfort

Ecclesiastes 4:11 - ...if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone?

Living alone is painful, and cold. And I'm not talking about not having a roommate, or a spouse, or living in a cave on the side of a mountain. I mean that living detached from others emotionally is painful. And many live like this, especially addicts. 

But in recovery, an addicted person finds that they are wanted, embraced, even loved in spite of their brokenness. This brings great comfort to a lonely, broken heart. There is a warmth felt in relationships that can't be replicated in aloneness. God made us to soothe one another, to "keep one another warm," when the difficulties of life press in on us. 

I remember when my recovery began. My wife had left because of my infidelity. I was alone. Lonely. I could no longer ignore or deny my sin and brokenness. So, I went to see a counselor. 

Within just a few sessions with the counselor, he suggested that I plug into a support group. I was reluctant at first (to be honest, I was terrified!). But I eventually decided to go to the group. I’m glad I did.

My very first time at the group I experienced the comfort of other men who understood me and my broken life. They listened to my story. They didn’t reject or ridicule me. They embraced me; metaphorically and literally! I felt I had come home.

Together we experience comfort for the pain and struggles of life.

Together we protect each other

Ecclesiastes 4:12 - And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

We are more vulnerable physically, emotionally, and spiritually when we live alone. We need friends, family, and a community to help protect us against the harms that swirl about us in life. 

Temptations do not have the same power over us when we have a brother or two to fight alongside us. But if we are alone and isolated, as the verse above states, we likely will not stand.

But we don't just need relationships so we can be protected, we also need them so we can protect others. It's just as important for our brothers that we are in the foxhole as it is for us that they are there. When you have someone specific to fight for, rather than just a concept or principle (i.e. purity), you become quite a bit more invested in the battle. You realize that there are actual lives on the line, and they need your presence to help them be victorious.

After I had been attending the group for awhile, I noticed something about this idea of protection in community. No one belittled another man’s story and no one ever shared another man’s story outside the group. This wasn’t even a verbalized “rule,” this was just how men in the group protected each other. 

I believe this desire to protect other group members is rooted in respect for courage. It isn’t easy to confess secret sins. Telling others of the awful selfish behaviors you have engaged in takes a great deal of courage. But when that courage is displayed, respect is granted. 

We all need a group of friends, of confidants, who “have our back” in the trenches of life. We need those who protect our dignity, and we need those whose dignity we can protect. The bond of such friendships becomes unbreakable. 

Together we stand up and protect each other. 

Together we learn

The longer a person is isolated or disconnected from relationships, the more prone they are to delusional thinking. We rarely come up with brilliant ideas alone. How do I know this? Try bouncing one of your "brilliant" ideas off someone else, or better yet several someone else's. You are likely to get some push back on your ideas, maybe even causing you to realize that they weren't even that good, let alone brilliant.

Proverbs 18:17 - The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.

We need each other to help us learn and grow and be accountable. This requires humility, acknowledging that we aren't as smart as we think we are and that there is good that comes from sharing ideas. Surely, the Word of God contains the most important ideas, and we must be willing to wrestle with the truth that sets us free, even when it demands that we change our ways.

The best context for such learning is in community with others who also desire to heal and grow.

Within a few weeks of joining my support group, one of the men shared a truism from the AA community: “It’s your best thinking that got you here.” At first, I was shocked and a little bit offended. What a hard statement! But it was also a true statement.

I was confronted with the reality that my “wisdom” in addiction was actually foolishness. My reasoning, my false beliefs, my choices landed me squarely in the prison of compulsive behaviors that I could not control or resist. My best thinking got me here.

This is when I began to discover the treasure of wisdom that exists in a group of people pursuing freedom, truth, and grace. Group became a place for questions to be asked and wrestled with. It was safe to say “I don’t know” and to let go of “always being right” thinking. 

Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm. -Proverbs 13:20

Together we learn and grow in wisdom and humility. 

Together we multiply good

Ecclesiastes 4:9 - Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.

One major point of fellowship and togetherness is to multiply good; to pass along the blessings we have received to those struggling. As we stumble through life, we do so together. We pick each other up when we fall, helping one another to move forward and not get stuck -- in addiction, depression, shame, etc.

Which is more encouraging: 

When you fall, someone hands you a book to read.
or 
When you fall, someone lifts you up by spending time with you.

(It's rhetorical; the answer is obvious!) Togetherness is how we multiply good. When someone has cared enough to lift you up through their time and presence, you feel compelled to demonstrate the same care and sincerity, not only toward them, but also toward others who fall.

After several months in my group I noticed a change in me when it came to sharing my story outside the group. I was more open and honest with friends or coworkers, even people in my church. As I was receiving help from the group and seeing changes manifest in my thoughts and behaviors, I felt more compelled and confident to share this with others -- even inviting other men to join me in the group!

About one year after beginning my recovery I started a group for men in my church. That was over 20 years ago and hundreds of men have come through that group on their own journey of recovery and growth. 

Together we multiply good for generations to come.

Together we love

1 Corinthians 13:13 - So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Our chief aim in all of life is to love -- both God and others. At the core of our being we were made for relationship, to love one another with all our being. Love cannot be fully expressed or enjoyed alone. It makes no sense. Love must be shared.

The deepest need we have is to be known and loved. You cannot be known if isolated and disconnected from others. And if you cannot be known, you certainly can't be loved. To love someone is to know them; the good, the bad, and the ugly. We long to be loved, and we are made to love others.

For decades now my favorite day of the week is Tuesday. Why? Because this is the day that our weekly support group meets. I love this day because I love the men who show up. And when they experience love, they experience all that comes with it: hope, freedom, joy, peace, and so much more. 

Together we love one another no matter what.

Don't live any more of your life alone. Reach out to others around you and start the journey of knowing and loving one another. The greatest joys in life only come in relationship. 

We are better together!

After 18 years of full-time sexual integrity ministry, I was given a 7-week sabbatical by our board of directors. In my entire adult life I had never had that much continuous time away from work. It was a precious gift, and I am thankful.

But I know the question you are asking: Why would I care about your sabbatical?

In other words, Why should you even keep reading this article?

Because you and I are more alike than we are different. We have the same fundamental needs since we are fellow human beings made in God's image. And one of those basic needs is rest. 

Keep reading if you want to gain some insights about rest that could help you achieve greater spiritual, physical, and emotional health. Yes, God's creation and design of rest really is that incredible -- and essential! 

Defining Rest

Before I share my personal sabbatical discoveries, let's get a working definition for rest. This definition is rooted in the biblical idea of Sabbath. 

And on the seventh day God finished his work that he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all his work that he had done. So God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it God rested from all his work that he had done in creation. -Gen. 2:2-3

When God finished His creation work, He rested. In His case, this wasn't because He was tired or needed any sort of energy "replenishment." He rested in order to enjoy His work; to relish, or glory in it. 

Part of Sabbath rest is pausing to enjoy and delight in doing good work.
 
God went on to establish a weekly rhythm of Sabbath rest for His people:

Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy. -Ex. 20:8-11

God commands us to "remember the Sabbath day" and to "not do any work" on it. It is a holy day set apart for physical rest -- and spiritual reflection. To "remember" the Sabbath is to remember the God of the heavens and earth, and worship Him accordingly.

Part of Sabbath rest is being still and worshiping the God of creation.

Sabbath rest is a regularly dedicated time to cease from work, to focus on God, and to celebrate all the good that has been done in His name.

God created the Sabbath to be a regular part of life. At the very least, one day a week is to be set aside for Sabbath rest. But there can also be seasons of Sabbath rest, such as a sabbatical. God even instituted "rest" for the land every seven years (see Exodus 23:10-11). 

The main question for you and me is do we take Sabbath rest as seriously as God does? And if not, what are the consequences?

Discoveries from My Sabbatical 

The following are some discoveries I made on my sabbatical that I hope will help you pursue a better balance of Sabbath rest in your own life. At the end of the article I post some additional resources for better work-rest balance. 

1. Rest is good and needs to be a regular part of the rhythms of life.

Following from the above definition of Sabbath rest, this first "discovery" may seem like an obvious no-brainer. Duh, of course rest is good and needs to be part of my life!

But slow down. Sometimes what appears so obvious is glaringly absent from our actual week-to-week lives.

Do you really believe that rest is good and necessary? Or do you treat it like a nice accessory, but not a true necessity? In other words, do you view rest as equally as important as work? Is it scheduled on your calendar like everything else you consider important? When you disobey God's command to rest, do you confess it as sin?

(Ok, I'll stop there. I sense my questions were getting increasingly painful -- and personal!)

Because Sabbath rest is connected to God's Sabbath rest in creation we need to see it as both good and necessary. The idea of Sabbath existed before sin entered the world. Therefore, it is holy, good, and part of God's original design for human beings.

2. Rest is harder than it seems.

I was so looking forward to my sabbatical. I envisioned deep relaxation of body, mind, and soul. Then I was struck by a surprising reality: rest doesn't come easily!

Remember the definition of Sabbath rest: a regularly dedicated time to cease from work, to focus on God, and to celebrate all the good that has been done in His name.

Intentionality, ceasing work, focus, celebration. These are not terms that indicate passivity. Ironically, real rest takes some real effort!

​I love getting into nature, especially the mountains. There is something so majestic and awe-inspiring about these rocky crags that reach for the heavens. I feel wonder and amazement when gazing at the earth from a perch at 10,000 feet. 

But I find there is more to be amazed at than just the beauty of God's creation. I find woven into nature millions of testimonies for Sabbath rest. 

• The cycle of light and dark every 24 hours indicates the rhythm of activity and stillness.
• Animals are not in constant motion; they gather food and eat, but also sleep and play. 
• Flowers bloom boldly in the morning sun, but fall limp in the twilight hours.
• The rhythms of rain and drought form a kind of dance between the land "coming alive" and "taking a nap." 
• The wind blows hard, followed by stillness and quiet. 

Observing nature can provide a simple (but profound) education in our need for Sabbath rest. After all, nature is far more obedient to God's commands than we are!

Praise the Lord from the earth,
    you great sea creatures and all deeps,
fire and hail, snow and mist,
    stormy wind fulfilling his word!

Mountains and all hills,
    fruit trees and all cedars!
Beasts and all livestock,
    creeping things and flying birds!

-Psalm 148:7-10

5. Sabbath rest is primarily communal

I am an introvert. I prefer solitude over groups of people. This isn't a bad thing, but if I'm not careful I can use this personality tendency as an excuse to isolate from community. But true Sabbath rest is communal.

Even when God rested from His creation work, He observed it and celebrated it communally. First, in Himself; He is one God consisting of a triune community: Father, Son, Holy Spirit. But secondly, He rested in the presence of human beings (they were created on the 6th Day and God rested on the 7th Day). 

I certainly believe there is a place for solitude in Sabbath rest (even Jesus would withdraw to "lonely places" to pray; but one could argue even this was communal since the Son was praying to the Father). But a huge part of what our souls need in Sabbath rest cannot be experienced by ourselves. 

There are 3 main communal "activities" of Sabbath: Sacrifice, Fellowship, and Worship.

• Sacrifice --  In the "old days" this often included an animal sacrifice. But thanks to Jesus' once-for-all sacrifice on the cross, this is no longer necessary. Yet Sabbath rest still requires sacrifice: time, work, busyness, attention. 
  
  To be quiet and still in our modern world is a sacrifice. Such sacrifice allows margin for connecting with God and others in ways that refresh body and soul.
  
  
• Fellowship -- God made human beings for connection; with Him and each other. Sabbath rest includes connecting with friends and family for recreation and fun. If we really want to celebrate the blessings of God in our lives, we must share that celebration with others.
  
  
• Worship -- All that is good comes from God (James 1:17). True Sabbath rest is thanking and praising our Creator for who He is and all that He has done. His work is "very good" indeed! And the best way to magnify praise is in a group of fellow believers. Worship is always intended to draw a crowd and direct attention and praise to the Maker of heaven and earth.
  
  Praise the Lord!
  Praise God in his sanctuary;
      praise him in his mighty heavens!
  Praise him for his mighty deeds;
      praise him according to his excellent greatness!
  
  -Psalm 150:1-2

6. Life can only be enjoyed in the present

For some, the normal routines of life can become monotonous and predictable. Every day is just work, eat, sleep, repeat. The calendar app keeps rushing us from one activity to the next. Time races by. All that matters is what's next.

For others, although time keeps ticking, life has stopped. Nothing seems to matter. Food has lost its taste. Work is nothing more than punching a time card. Sleep is illusive. All of life is stuck in the past. 

But neither dreams of the future nor memories of the past are happening now. And now is life. Life is only experienced in this moment. 

My sabbatical reminded me to be careful of clinging to the unchangeable past or racing toward the unpredictable future. Instead, life is about being present in the now. 

Interestingly, I discovered that "being present" is a far more restful way to live. Pining (or brooding) over the past is stressful and exhausting. Constantly imagining (or fantasizing) about the future, while fun and exciting, carries me away from opportunities that might be right in front of me now.

This doesn't mean we never examine our past or plan for our future. But we must learn to do so without sacrificing the only time that life is happening: now.

A Few More Ideas

Here are just a few more ideas from my sabbatical that might be useful as you think about your own times of rest:

• Food and drink seem to taste better when enjoyed unhurried.
• Devotional times with God are richer when not constrained by a clock.
• It's ok for some tasks to be left unfinished.
• God is sovereign; His plans don't need me. And yet,
• God cares about my cares; He wants me in His life.
• Living at a slower, deeper, richer pace enriches my life and enhances my ability to serve and love others well.

Final Thoughts

I hope this brief reflection on my sabbatical has helped you think through your own need for Sabbath rest, and provided you with a few ideas so you might engage more faithfully in "time to cease from work, to focus on God, and to celebrate all the good that has been done in His name."

What is God inviting you to do differently in order to engage more Sabbath rest? What will you do right now to take steps in that direction?

May God bless you as you rest in Him...

​----------------
​
Additional Resources to Help You Rest Well:

An Unhurried Life by Alan Fadling
Reset by David Murray (for pastors/ministry leaders)
Refresh by Shona & David Murray (for women)
Soul Keeping by John Ortberg

These verses from Romans are the foundation of this article.
 
Romans 8:26-29 26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. 29 For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.
 
What is Prayer?
As we look at prayer in recovery (and in all aspects of life) I think having a good definition of prayer is important. I like this definition of prayer from Barry Woods: “Prayer is a conversation between an ordinary human being and an extraordinary God, often about ordinary things.”
 
In simple terms, prayer is a significant part of relating with God. It’s a two-way conversation. I often forget that, and I suspect I’m not alone. We pray but then often walk away and forget to listen for Abba Fathers reply.
 
Prayer also includes so much more than words; it’s truly a lifestyle. Real prayer also involves all of life Phil. 4:6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. (Emphasis mine)

Why Pray At All?
I think we’ve all come to a point in our lives and certainly recovery journey when we ask our self: why keep praying because it doesn’t seem to be helping?

Prayer is a direct conversation with our heavenly Father who hears every word. Prayer can best be understood by what it does.

In his book; Lord, Teach us to Pray, Dr. Jimmy Knott gives us 9 reasons to pray. I’m going to share 3 of them. I would encourage you to purchase Pastor Jimmy’s book. It’s available on Amazon here: Teach Us to Pray

Here are three of the reasons why we pray (with a few notes). 

1)     To Know and Worship God

• Prayer always begins with God, not us. The essence of prayer is truly worship. Prayer is directed to the one who answers and who answers in what He knows is best for us. It also shifts focus from self to others, namely God in prayer. Prayer is a communing with God.

2)    To Obey God

• God commands His children to pray. The prophet Jeremiah recorded these words; God said, “Call to me and I will answer you.” (Jer. 33:) The issue is not why we should pray, but that our Heavenly Father wants us, commands us to pray.  

3)    To Release the Power of God

• There is a unique paradigm in prayer that exists no place else. Prayers can do anything that God can do and, God can do anything. When we pray in the will of God, and God’s will for you is to be free. To live in the freedom Christ rose from the grave to give you.
• Prayers accesses the almighty power of God through our perfect Mediator Jesus Christ. 

Prayer is personal
I believe the single most powerful and personal element in our relationship with God the Father is prayer. How you and I choose to steward the gift of prayer and the access to the Father’s throne, gives us insight into how we answer the question Jesus posed to the invalid at the Bethesda pool. “Do you want to be well?”
 
What can be and is a challenge for me (I doubt I’m alone here either) is patience in waiting for God to answer. After all Abraham waited 25 years for a promised son.
 
As you learn to pray, especially on those days when we just don’t feel like it, we build spiritual muscles and defenses we desperately need. Pray in humbleness of heart and of pure motive and watch God move.
 
Take time to read, digest and dare I say memorize the foundational verse for this series on prayer. It’s powerful and reminds us that we can come to God in any condition and He will hear us, and Holy Spirit will intercede on our behalf  “in our weakness”.
 
Courageously forward...

In recent years a lot has been written about the negative fallout of the "purity movement" of the 1990's and early 2000's. And rightfully so. Many were wounded as a result of narrow, incomplete teaching on God's design for sex. 

Essentially, "purity culture" taught that sex is for marriage, virginity is sacred (seemingly above all else), and if you save yourself for marriage you will be blessed with happiness and great, godly sexual bliss. This led many young people to go "underground" with their sexual struggles and questions due to the shame created by the purity movement (whether intentional or unintentional). 

But does the failure of a particular movement mean that certain terms must be forever relegated as "dangerous" or unhelpful?

I would like to propose that the term 'sexual purity' is good and useful when properly understood. I will attempt to share what we at Be Broken mean when we use this term, and hopefully this will lead you to a fuller understanding of God's good and beautiful design for sex and purity.

Only God is Pure

When we think of purity as meaning totally unstained or absolute perfection, then there can only be one being to whom this definition fits: God. He alone is perfect, absolutely holy. 

To whom then will you compare me,
    that I should be like him? says the Holy One. (Isaiah 40:25)

This is important to understand so that none of us thinks we can produce within ourselves something that belongs to God alone. God is 100% holy and perfect, we are not.

But this might seem confusing when God's Word also says, "As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, 'You shall be holy, for I am holy.'" (1 Peter 1:14-16, referencing passages from Leviticus; 11:44-45, 19:2, 20:7, and others)

Is God commanding us to do something that is impossible? If only God is holy (pure), how can he command us to be holy?

This is where it is important to remember that we are "made in God's image." (Gen. 1:26-27) Another way to state this is that we are "made in God's reflection." We do not contain the essence of God in our being (we don't possess omniscience, for example), but by God's grace we do possess the capacity to reflect Him. 

In this way, God's call on our lives to "be holy" is to accurately and faithfully reflect His image and character in the world around us. 

Therefore, sexual purity would mean we accurately and faithfully reflect God's design and desires regarding sex and sexuality. 

This is where we need to understand what God's design and desires regarding sex and sexuality actually are.

Sex is Good

In the beginning, God created Adam from the dust of the ground and then fashioned his wife, Eve, out of Adam's body. After they were created, "God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good." (Gen. 1:31)

Human beings made in God's image, male and female, were declared "very good" by God. This included their sexuality. In fact, Adam spoke of this intimate union when he first saw Eve. He said:

“This at last is bone of my bones
    and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
    because she was taken out of Man.”

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. (Gen. 2:23-24)

Adam immediately recognized the "fittedness" of Eve to himself; bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She "completed" him in a way that no other creature God created could. This "one flesh" union was good and sanctioned by God in the covenant bond of marriage ("hold fast to his wife").

But God's design for sex is more than just a way for a husband and wife to connect or procreate. God's design for sex is to give us a tangible picture of the kind of relationship He desires with us: covenantal, intimate, life-multiplying. 

The goodness of sex points to the Author of good: God. He is the ultimate Lover, the faithful Spouse, our persistent Pursuer. 

When we see God's design for sex through His eyes we begin to understand that His call to purity (holiness) is not merely about a list of do's and do not's, but rather an invitation to know Him and love Him in the same way a husband and wife know and love each other. 

To pursue sexual purity is to guard the metaphor of sex God has given us by not distorting or dismantling it through pornography, adultery, fornication, gay marriage, polygamy, and the like.

But we also guard the metaphor by not idolizing it; the picture is meant to point us to its Painter. Sex, and even marriage, cannot ultimately provide what your soul can only experience with God. 

Sex is good. God made it so. Its design is to draw us closer to our Maker, the only One who can satisfy our deepest longings. 

Purity is a Journey, Not a Destination

Nothing in nature is pure. At least not in the sense that we often try to apply (or misapply) this word to sex, as in "sexual purity."

Everything in nature contains "pollution" or imperfections of some kind. Therefore, purity is not a natural state. For anything to be pure it must be purified. Purification is a process of removing the pollutants and imperfections. 

For example, gold is not found "pure" in nature. There are all sorts of imperfections attached to it; dirt, other metals, rock, etc. While much of this can simply be chipped away from the gold, the impurities that are woven into the gold itself cannot be removed without melting the gold. This requires high temperatures (roughly 2000 degrees Fahrenheit!) in order to separate the pure gold from the imperfections. This takes time, patience, and precision.

This is what the process of pursuing sexual purity looks like. Human beings are not naturally pure. We have many "pollutants" and imperfections in us (and around us). Pornography, lust, abuse, and more weaves into our lives, our minds and hearts. And these impurities are not eliminated in a single moment in time. We require regular "purifying" throughout a lifetime.

Another way to think of sexual purity as a process is to consider it like a bath. If you bathed yesterday, would you consider yourself permanently clean? I hope not! In a matter of days (or maybe even shorter!) it would be evident that one bath is not adequate. Bathing needs to be a regular part of your life in order for your body to be clean (or "pure"). 

Sexual purity is a journey. Some parts of the journey might require purification by a refining fire to remove deeply embedded pollutants. Most of the journey will require purification through regular "bathing" to remove the normal, natural imperfections that make their way into our lives daily. 

Sexual purity is not a static, permanent state. It is a daily pursuit of reflecting the holy image of God by examining the mirror of our lives and removing whatever is blocking a clear reflection of Him. 

The Goal is Mature Faith, Not Sexual Abstinence

Finally, sexual purity is more about maturing in faith than it is about sexual abstinence. While there are boundaries for sexual behavior, the primary focus is on Jesus.

In our ministry, most of the people who reach out to us for help are looking for answers to very specific problems. 

"Help, I'm addicted to porn. How can I stop?"
"I just found out my husband has cheated on me. What do I do?"
"My 14-year-old son is sexting with his friends. How do I lock down his phone?"

Hundreds of such requests come before us every year. These are real people with real problems and real pain. But if we simply give them quick, pat answers that only address the urgent question without guiding them to the deeper needs, we aren't actually helping them with their problem or their understanding of sexual purity.

You see, no matter what the presenting sexual problem may be, the solution is always ultimately found in Jesus. (I know this sounds like the classic "Sunday school" answer, but it is still true.) Remember, God is holy, perfect, and he revealed himself to us through his Son, Jesus Christ. In Him, the fullness of diety dwells. (Col. 2:9)

Internet filters, accountability software, support groups, counseling, and all other kinds of tools are helpful for curbing behaviors. But no "tool" produces sexual purity in the heart. Only Jesus can transform a person on that level. 

Ultimately, sexual purity is about faith. Will you trust God with your whole heart, your whole life, including your sexuality? Pursuing Him in faith is the most "purifying" thing you can do. His love and truth will cleanse you in ways you might have thought impossible. 

Conclusion

Sexual purity is not a term that we need to fear or categorically dismiss due to its historical mishandling. We just need to understand it better from a biblical framework.

When we use the term "sexual purity" we mean:
​

• Living in such a way to reflect God's design and desires regarding sex and sexuality, 
• Guarding the metaphor of sex by not distorting or dismantling it -- or by idolizing it, 
• Engaging the process of purification, seeing the need for regular cleansing from the normal, natural imperfections of daily life, 
• Depending on Jesus as the ultimate hope and power for true purification.

May God grant you favor and peace as you pursue a life of sexual purity.
​

Related Articles:
​Is it Possible to Quit Porn and Masturbation? 
5 Core Values of Effective Ministry to Porn/Sex Addicts 

​Maybe you have been hesitant to join a wives care support group?

After I discovered sexual  betrayal in my marriage, the last thing on my mind was joining a group!

“Who would ever want to sit in a circle, share their sad story, and listen to other women sharing their sad stories?” was my thinking. “How depressing is that! After all, isn’t my husband the one with issues? Why would I need a support group?”

But after attending a Wives Care group, my thinking changed. Would you like to know why?

Here are my “Ten Reasons Why a Support Group Helps You Heal From Betrayal": 

1. VALIDATION

A support group helps you discover you are not alone by decreasing isolation and shame.

Upon first discovery, it’s hard to know who you can trust to share your story. Feelings of shame may keep you in isolation and secrecy, yet talking about it would bring relief to your soul, meeting the longing for someone to tell who would validate your feelings and understand your sadness and despair.

Meeting other women who have also experienced betrayal allows you to realize you aren’t the only one this has happened to. You no longer feel invisible in our pain.  2 Corinthians 1:3-4

2. FRIENDSHIP

A support group creates connection with others, helping you to experience increased social networks and friendships. It provides a sense of community while walking through this valley.

There is a bonding among groups who share similar painful circumstances. Pain has a bonding effect. When betrayal is the common denominator, we experience a “me, too” moment. We empathize and are able to comfort one another, with the same comfort we receive from Jesus.

We heal in relationships. The gift of new friendships can be the source of unexpected blessings during this time. Some even find lifetime friends in a support group. Proverbs 18:24

3. SAFETY

A support group allows you to find your voice and provides a safe space to share your story. (Group offers safety, empathy, validation, and support.)

Confidentiality is key among those attending a support group. We need a safe space to lay our anguish down, and assurance that our story will not be the source for gossip, (as it could be among friends who simply do not “get it”) bringing peace and relief.

A support group helps us to find some sense of trust—even though we’ve recently experienced a crushing blow and are left wondering if we will ever trust our spouse again. John 14:27

4. RESOURCES

A support group shares information and resources.

Betrayed women long to understand reasons for what just happened to them. Although not everything has an explanation, women in support groups receive a wealth of information to help them process the pain and begin the healing journey.

Books, videos, articles, podcasts and names of counselors (with a trauma-informed approach) are shared so women can heal most effectively. 

5. TOOLS

A support group empowers you. You will learn to be assertive and set healthy boundaries.

Most women are at a loss about what her next steps should be after the discovery of betrayal. Wives Care groups introduce the need for safety, self-care, healthy boundaries, and many topics to put wives on a path of emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual healing and wholeness.

As you heal, your worth and God-given value are realized — worth more than rubies! Self respect returns as healing begins, establishing your true worth as a Daughter of the Most High King. Isaiah 61:3

6. FAITH

A support group helps you rediscover hope and points to the true source of hope, Jesus.

After betrayal, we are often left feeling hopeless and helpless. We may be having a crisis of faith—which is NORMAL—and have additional feelings of guilt because of our questioning God’s part in all of this.

Hearing stories of God’s faithfulness to others—whether or not a marriage survives—brings hope to those full of despair. God’s promises of abundant life, and examples of women living it, give hope to those who need it most. 2 Corinthians 1:10

7. SELF-AWARENESS

A support group provides increased self-awareness, gained insights.

As healing begins, a woman realizes there may be issues she is responsible for. Taking a look at ourselves and addressing problem areas that we need to work on is key to becoming whole again.

Being able to take responsibility for our own actions shows us we are imperfect, and may need to ask others for forgiveness, as well as make changes in our behaviors to become more Christlike.

Other women encourage us in this process and give us courage to move forward with a new outlook. We learn to live day by day, living in the present moment.

8. PROCESS

A support group provides a guided process for healing.

Topics addressed in groups are the key areas of healing to help a woman move forward while processing feelings.  Anger, grief and lament, self-care, identity in Christ, boundaries, triggers and grounding, are elements regarding betrayal trauma needing to be addressed and processed. Each topic  guides a woman as she perseveres, regardless of her circumstances. James 1:2-3

9. SUPPORT 

A support group helps provide coping skills and offers accountability.

As each woman is allowed to share and “check-in” she may discuss her feelings, ask for feedback from peers, or request accountability for future actions. Tools to help cope while riding an “emotional roller coaster “ provide safety, sanity, and stability.

Knowing she has friends who come alongside to encourage her without judgement, who hold space for her, is priceless. 2 Corinthians 13:11

10. RESILIENCE

A support group moves a woman from a victim identity into a survivor/overcomer. (You WILL breathe, laugh, trust, and hope, again!)

Understanding you have been victimized, but also realizing you cannot remain in the victim mentality indefinitely, shows that you can move forward with courage as you heal.

The ordeal betrayed women go through is difficult—no doubt—but peace, hope, and joy can be found again.

​You will realize that you are stronger and more resilient than you might think! Romans 15:13
​

Related Articles:
Through the Looking Glass 
Through a Wife's Eyes

​Desire.

How often do you use this word or even think about it? What is desire?

Desire is defined as: “a conscious impulse toward something that promises enjoyment or satisfaction in its attainment.”

Desires are part of being human and woven into our created nature. But what we desire can often trip us up -- and I believe that’s what James was warning us about when he wrote:

But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desires. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death. (James 1:14-15)

The world we live in fuels those deadly desires. Media, TV, movies, commercials...it’s everywhere. Gotta have the best car, house, clothes...on and on and on. All these things pollute and push out (or at least set aside) the desires of our heart that God our Father would have for us. 

Human desires became broken when Eve bought Satan’s lie and Adam failed to fend off his deceit. 

But God…

As part of the redemptive plan of God in Christ Jesus desire is in play. Human desire was one of the parts of mankind that was broken in the fall in the Garden of Eden. Before the eating of the fruit man and woman were unaware of evil; having an evil desire was not in the mind or heart of humanity.

Then the crafty serpent deceived the man and woman, the lie was bought and evil desire entered the human mind and experience. The very deadly desires that James warned about. 

The plan to redeem

Psalm 37:3-5  Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.

James 4:2-3  You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

God gave you the capacity to desire; to experience "a conscious impulse toward something that promises enjoyment or satisfaction in its attainment." In God's plan, desire was intended to lead us to good things; to places of goodness, truth, and beauty that really would produce joy and contentment. 

But since the Fall in the Garden, two huge questions remain:

What do I do now with the truth of God's good design?
And how can I change my broken evil desires?

Good questions. The good news is that desires can be changed by the grace and power of God. So, let's talk about a few practical things you can start doing today to effect that change. 

I know this: Life change happens when heart change happens. Changing evil desires and shaping new and right-minded desires is an inside job. 

• Prayer is the first step. You’d expect to hear that, right? And for good reason. Pray fervently that God would change your desires for things that honor him. Review the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-24) and start there.
• Watch carefully what you feed our mind through your eyes and ears. Starve the lust of the flesh and instead feed you heart, mind and soul healthy thoughts.
• Revive or start a new habit. Take a daily walk and listen to Christian music or a podcast. I enjoy light instrumental jazz music during the day to keep my mind at ease.
• Spend time with people who are walking this practice out in their lives. Learn from them. He who walks with the wise becomes wise. 
• Pick up an old hobby or start a new one. (woodworking, star gazing, photography, cooking, etc.)
• Prayer. Prayer is both the first step and the ongoing final step. This practice focuses your mind on that which is pure, lovely, honorable. (Phil. 4:8)

Identity and Beliefs

Here are two areas of life that can really trip you up: identity and beliefs. How you see yourself shapes your belief system about yourself. What does that mean? 

People tend to see circumstances how they want to see them, not as the circumstances actually are. What that means is we tend to see life through a "me-shaped" lens; we will see the world around us through a reflection of ourselves.

Optimists see circumstances differently than pessimists. Skeptics view circumstances generally...well..skeptically. If you’re in a tough situation then that difficulty usually impacts how you view things around you. See what I mean?

So, if our self-belief systems are polluted by wounds, addictions, bad relationships and a host of other things, what we believe about ourselves, our value and identity will likely also be negatively impacted.

Here’s where a right perspective of identity is profoundly important. In a saving faith relationship with Jesus Christ, we have been given the right to become children of God (John 1:12). We are saved by grace, through faith (Eph 2:8-9) and not of any good deed or work we do. 

In that moment of salvation through faith Christ Jesus, your identity is forever and eternally changed. You have just become a beloved and adopted son (or daughter) of the Most High God. Did you get that? You are now a prince (or princess) in the Kingdom of God the Father; the Creator who's image you bear. 

When you choose to believe that and receive it in your heart, soul and mind it can change everything! Is this change instant? No, but I sure wish it was. 

I believe this is part of the sanctification journey we are on as Christians. We need to choose to believe our new identity in Christ. Remind yourself of this truth daily (or however often you need). 

In light of this truth of your immense value as a child of God, you are free to open yourself up to the work of God's indwelling Spirit to change your broken desires to Christ-like desires. You don't have to obey the lies of the enemy anymore.

Summary

The redemption of your Garden-of-Eden-fractured desires is part of God’s plan to redeem the whole you. Start this process by recognizing your true identity given to you in Christ Jesus, by God the Father. 

With your identity framed in the right perspective (knowing your true value and worth to God), you can begin to change your desires with a new heart and the “new creation” God declares you to be. 

Related Articles: 
God Isn't Mad at You 
Why Some in Recovery Feel Hopeless 
Will Change Ever Come?