I am a fellow sojourner on this path of healing from sexual betrayal, and I am one of the Wives Care Group leaders. I am going to share one of the most helpful tools I found on the road to healing: A Therapeutic Separation. There were many gifts that our Therapeutic Separation gave both my husband and I, but I will highlight four from the perspective of the betrayed.

1. The gift of fully surrendering my husband to God.

Seven years after the life I thought I had was shattered in an instant by my husband’s confession of sex addiction, I was suddenly staring at blatant evidence of his current acting out (yet again), and I had the personal strength and conviction to tell him to leave our home. By that point in my own recovery journey, I knew how to ride the wave of crisis and to focus on the present moment. I just needed space to get clarity away from my husband’s desperate pleas.

By the next morning, I knew that God was asking me to draw a line in the sand for the sanctity of our marriage. My wise ISA sponsor affirmed my need to try something that we hadn’t tried before; “something different”, and I knew that that was a physical separation: the very thing I did not ever want.

I sent my husband an email saying that I was withdrawing the privileges of a relationship with me (other than to communicate, by email, the logistics of co-parenting our 5 children, ages 7-16), and that it would be at least 6 months before I would reassess this. I also informed him that I had taken the entire balance in our savings account and had moved it to a new savings account in my name only. He responded by telling me I was making the right decision, because things were worse than I knew. I had tried in so many ways to help him. I needed to let him face the consequences of his continued behavior, and to fully surrender him to God.

2. Physical space to prioritize caring for my own broken heart and body.

I didn’t know the term “betrayal trauma” in 2010, but I experienced all the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual symptoms. My body was frozen in terror, trying to reconcile the love of my life that I knew with the actions and thinking patterns that my husband confessed. I had a hard time sleeping next to him, and an even harder time crying around him. Somehow it always turned into me comforting him because I triggered his shame. I had 5 little kids who I needed to care for, so I sucked up all the pain, and kept putting one foot in front of the other. My grief was frozen.

I developed depression and eventually an autoimmune disease. As I kept working on my own recovery, I learned more about “putting my oxygen mask on first '' and the importance of self-care. Asking my husband to move out of our home allowed me to have our bedroom space as my very own. I could cry, and pray myself to sleep without worrying about him. I could put on music in the middle of the night when I was awakened with grief and not disturb anyone. I had a door I could lock during the day to seek quiet in the middle of a busy house full of kids if I was triggered or sad or needed a nap. I had physical space to prioritize my needs.

3. The opportunity to demonstrate to myself that I will be ok without my husband.

This gift relates to #1 and #2 above but from a slightly different angle. No one gets married wanting a divorce. My husband and I met our first year out of high school at a Bible school and every aspect of my life presumed we would grow old together.

• We chose together for me to stop working as a nurse after our second baby was born.
• We decided together that I would start homeschooling the year my oldest was supposed to head off to Kindergarten.
• We chose together to have 5 babies in 8 years.

And then suddenly my reality was that I had been out of the workforce over 15 years, my nursing license was no longer transferable to our current location, and I was finally accepting that my marriage might not survive this addiction. But I had such a strong sense that I would be OK.

I was no longer naïve or shocked by my husband's behavior. I had already survived things I could never have imagined. I had more tools and more support than on my original D-day, and I’d seen so many women I admired courageously endure divorce and they were thriving and healing, even without their marriages. I knew it would be hard, but that my ultimate relationship was with Jesus. I’m sure it also helped that my kids were older.

If my husband couldn’t or wouldn’t do everything needed to give our marriage a new start, I was going to be OK as a single mom. I knew that divorce would bring me grief, but grief was the reality no matter if my marriage survived or ended, and I was no longer afraid of the pain. I began the hard emotional and spiritual labor of becoming a fully functioning adult.

4. A written agreement outlining the goals and details of the separation.

Practically speaking, a therapeutic separation is a well thought out agreement. After a few months of no contact, my husband sent me a worksheet for creating a Therapeutic Separation Agreement and asked me to consider creating an intentional plan.

Eventually we met with a therapist to read our individual answers and agree to the plan needed to prevent me from filing for divorce, as well as what changes I needed to see in order to take down my no contact wall and take slow and steady steps towards a new relationship with my husband. His answers demonstrated that he knew he had a long way to go, that he was taking personal responsibility for the damage he had caused our relationship, and that he was prioritizing our kids' stability regardless of whether we were separated, together, or divorced. I used it as an opportunity to raise my bar higher, and follow the newer betrayal trauma model of healing that APSATS and other attachment-focused professionals use to help couples heal from betrayal.

I knew that I had already lost the marriage I wanted, and that there was no quick path out of pain. I knew I could take my time, and watch and wait from a safe distance to see if reconciliation was even possible.

If you are not safe in your marriage, if your body is tired and broken trying to navigate forgiveness and love with an addict who isn’t in recovery, if you are ready to raise your bar and stand for what you believe your marriage vows meant: I encourage you to explore the option of a Therapeutic Separation.

And for any struggling addicts reading this: if you are ready to focus on your own healing and stop trying to keep your marriage at all costs (by lying), I encourage you to “put your oxygen mask on first” and go get well. Trust God to take care of your wife.

*To learn more about what exactly a Therapeutic Separation is, I highly recommend this blog by Vicki Tidewell Palmer and the book Taking Space by Robert J. Bucchicchio

You might be wondering why I am praying for my husband who chose to betray our marriage covenant. Honestly, sometimes I wonder the same thing.

There are two reasons. One is that it is impossible for me to stay angry with someone I am earnestly praying for. And two, I long for peace. Max Lucado writes in his book, Anxious for Nothing, “The path to peace is paved with prayer.” In these days of utter turmoil, peace sounds very very good.

In Lysa TerKeurst’s book, It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way, she breaks Psalm 51 down in a way that allows its meaning to settle in deep. If David, one who committed unthinkable, sinful acts, can sing a song asking God for change and restoration, perhaps my husband will ask the same and be granted the same measure of grace God gave David, the man after God’s own heart. And what a gift it is to have the opportunity to participate in and witness that hoped-for change and restoration.

I don’t want you to read that I think praying for my husband lets him off the hook for his behavior. All things can be forgiven but not all things are excusable. Something else I don’t want you to read is that I think I’m somehow better than my husband. I don’t come to this prayer from a place of arrogance. I haven’t done what he has done but I, too, have my broken places and am a sinner in need of grace. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…” Romans 3:23)

Here are five quick things I have come to understand about prayer in the realm of marriage betrayal:

1. Praying for my husband does not excuse or condone his sinful choices.
2. Prayer does not ensure a certain outcome of the relationship.
3. Prayer may not soften my husband’s heart but it will soften mine.
4. Praying doesn’t take the place of actively seeking healing.
5. Good comes from prayer–no matter what the circumstances or ultimate outcome.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Do not quench the Spirit. Do not treat prophecies with contempt but test them all; hold on to what is good, reject every kind of evil.

May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-23 NIV)

After reading TerKeurst’s book, I committed to focus on praying Psalm 51 over my husband. If you are in a season of healing from betrayal, I would like to gently cyber hug you and tell you how I genuinely wish you weren’t. I wish I weren’t either. But, alas, here we are. So, let’s join together and pray Psalm 51 over our husbands. Let’s pray for their hearts to be softened toward repentance and renewal. Oh, what a hoped-for day when we see our husband’s spirits, souls, and bodies find their way to integrity and, if at all possible, our marriages restored – for the glory of God.

With a humble heart, pray with me.

Psalm 51 NIV

For the director of music. A Psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.

1 Have mercy on (him), O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out (his) transgressions.

2 Wash away all (his) iniquity
and cleanse (him) from (his) sin.

3 For (he) know(s) (his) transgressions,
and (his) sin is always before (him).

4 Against you, you only, (has he) sinned
and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
and justified when you judge.

5 Surely (he) was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time (his) mother conceived (him).

6 Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
you taught (him) wisdom in that secret place.

7 Cleanse (him) with hyssop, and (he) will be clean;
wash (him), and (he) will be whiter than snow.

8 Let (him) hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from (his) sins
and blot out all (his) iniquity.

10 Create in (him) a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within (him).

11 Do not cast (him) from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from (him).

12 Restore to (him) the joy of your salvation
and grant (him) a willing spirit, to sustain (him).

13 (That he) will teach transgressors your ways,
so that sinners will turn back to you.

14 Deliver (him) from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
you who are God (his) Savior,
and (may his) tongue sing of your righteousness.

15 Open (his) lips, Lord,
(may his) mouth declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or (he) would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 (May his) sacrifice, O God, (be) a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart
you, God, will not despise.

18 May it please you to prosper Zion,
to build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19 Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,
in burnt offerings offered whole;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

Selah.

May our tears of sorrow become songs of redemptive joy.

Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow will return with songs of joy carrying sheaves with them. (Psalm 126:5-6 NIV)

​
This article was originally published in January, 2019 on emptyplatefullheart.com. It was edited by the author for consensual publication by BeBroken Ministries.

​It is a familiar story: a person struggles with sexual brokenness, they finally get help, their life changes and they experience real freedom, then months or years later they find themselves struggling once again. It can feel like nothing works. It can feel like we are too broken to be fixed. It can feel like maybe God doesn’t care enough to help in the long term. 

None of these thoughts are true; they are misguided. The misunderstanding that occurs is when we come to believe that the successful outcome of seeking help for sexual brokenness is to stop emotional pain or a specific behavior. This is true for any form of sexual brokenness, including a betrayed spouse, sex addict, survivor of sexual abuse, or child struggling to resist temptation.

The goal of healing is not to stop negative feelings or even behaviors.

Journalist Johan Hari said in his Ted Talk, “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it is human connection.” Changing behavior is something we want, but not the goal. I believe the same is true when dealing with the emotional pain that comes from sexual brokenness. 

There are multiple steps to healing from sexual brokenness. In the beginning, we do have to do some work in several areas before we can see much progress. Those areas include the following:

TRAUMA

Any form of sexual brokenness will have accompanying trauma. In fact, some form of trauma is almost always what creates sexual brokenness in the first place. That trauma does not have to be sexual, but it affects our sexuality. We need help addressing our trauma as part of our healing.

BEHAVIORS

It is also true that in the beginning of our healing we need help examining our behaviors to look for ways we react to things that are not in our best interest. This is true of all forms of sexual brokenness. Part of coming out of brokenness is learning to react in more healthy ways to our world around us and the people in it.

BELIEFS

A later stage of healing includes examining our beliefs and testing them against the truth. We may come to believe that others are not safe and cannot be trusted. Or we view ourselves as unworthy, unwanted, and of no value. Some of us decide God himself is not really good. 

Such beliefs are based in past experiences and are hard to let go of, even if we intellectually understand they are false. Yet, this is part of our healing process.

WE (THINK WE) ARE DONE

This is where some of us stop. This is the point that we typically begin to feel better. We start to feel free from compulsive behaviors, deep emotional wounds, or both. Life is no longer so dark. We feel hope in a way we may have never felt before. 

This is when many of us believe we are healed. We assume our healing process is finished and we can let go and relax. Within a few months or maybe a year, however, our sexual behaviors or deep wounds usually come racing back and overwhelm us once again.

THE MISSING CONNECTION

It is true that we need to address trauma, behaviors, and beliefs. But none of those things are what true healing is about. Those are just the precursors to lasting healing. Addressing trauma, modifying behaviors, and reframing our beliefs make it possible for us to do what healing requires: connect at a much deeper level with God and others.

We were created in God’s image for connection. God is communal in nature, illustrated by the unified Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The Trinity is not a superficial connection, but a deeply vulnerable and utterly transparent interdependence. God created us in the same way.

We were designed to need vulnerable, honest, and transparent connection to thrive. When we do not have this kind of connection with God and others, we become broken.

The mistake some of us make is to withdraw from regular, honest connections once we reach a satisfactory point in our healing. We fail to recognize that the reason we found any healing at all was because of the honest and transparent connections we had to make use of in our healing process. Our recovery was as much about those regular connections as it was about trauma, behavior, and beliefs.

At the writing of this blog I have been meeting weekly with other men to be honest about my feelings, behaviors, and beliefs for 25 years. These regular meetings, perhaps more than anything else, are what keep my healing in place.

I am not suggesting that healing is something so fragile that we must keep bolstering it up to prevent it from falling apart. I am saying that healing IS connection. To be healed is to be connected with others in regular, open conversation. To be healed is to do life together with others who are safe. To isolate is to move away from healing and back toward brokenness.

HEALTH & FITNESS

We know we should eat well to stay healthy. We know we need a certain amount of exercise not to fall into frailty. We know that having outlets for creativity keeps us in better mental shape. Our connection with others is no different.

Eating is required to survive physically but eating better food will also make us healthier. In the same way, having connection with others is required for basic mental health but the quality of those connections determines the extent of our wholeness. Shallow connections help us survive but do not help us thrive. Only deep, honest connections can keep moving us in the direction of wholeness instead of brokenness.

ALLIES

For those of us who have been sexually abused, we need safe people we talk with regularly so we can bring up past wounds any time they attempt to resurface.

For those who struggle with compulsive sexual behaviors, we need regular connection with others who know our story and will support us as we work through any triggers that come up.

For those who have been betrayed, we need regular connection with others who know our story who can be an ally when we are occasionally reminded of past traumas.

For children and adolescents who are still trying to make sense of their sexuality and temptation, they need adults to regularly talk through what they are feeling and remind them they are not alone.

Allies like this are not just for the time we are in active recovery or healing. Allies are supposed to be forever. Allies are supposed to talk often. Allies should be available at all times to support each other when needed.

We sometimes forget that God commanded all of us to do these things on a regular basis. This is something every follower of Jesus is supposed to be doing, all the time.

Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. A prayer of a righteous person, when it is brought about, can accomplish much.
—James 5;16 (NASB)

Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.
—Galatians 6:2 (NASB)

The opposite of sexual brokenness is not sobriety or the absence of emotional pain. The opposite of sexual brokenness is regular connection with God and a group of allies as we journey through our life on earth.
​

“Every Christian community must realize that not only do the weak need the strong, but also that the strong cannot exist without the weak. The elimination of the weak is the death of fellowship.” 
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I'm not a biologist, but I struggle to think of anything in the animal kingdom that thrives (or even survives) alone. I believe humans especially suffer when left alone. More so than maybe any other creature on the planet we need each other. Yet, so often the wounds we carry from the difficulty and cruelty of life are carried alone. This is no way to thrive (or survive).

Having lived a life of addiction myself, I can predict a common question that might come from those drowning in the self-deception of compulsive thoughts and behaviors that seem impossible to shake: 

"What are the benefits of togetherness?" 

In other words, what's in it for me? (By the way, this is the way an addicted person thinks about everything: me, me, me.)

Well, I have good news. There is a lot in it for those who are willing to step into the realm of community and engage in the process of doing life together with others. 

The following are five benefits that I believe make doing life together way better than doing it alone.

Together we find comfort

Ecclesiastes 4:11 - ...if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone?

Living alone is painful, and cold. And I'm not talking about not having a roommate, or a spouse, or living in a cave on the side of a mountain. I mean that living detached from others emotionally is painful. And many live like this, especially addicts. 

But in recovery, an addicted person finds that they are wanted, embraced, even loved in spite of their brokenness. This brings great comfort to a lonely, broken heart. There is a warmth felt in relationships that can't be replicated in aloneness. God made us to soothe one another, to "keep one another warm," when the difficulties of life press in on us. 

I remember when my recovery began. My wife had left because of my infidelity. I was alone. Lonely. I could no longer ignore or deny my sin and brokenness. So, I went to see a counselor. 

Within just a few sessions with the counselor, he suggested that I plug into a support group. I was reluctant at first (to be honest, I was terrified!). But I eventually decided to go to the group. I’m glad I did.

My very first time at the group I experienced the comfort of other men who understood me and my broken life. They listened to my story. They didn’t reject or ridicule me. They embraced me; metaphorically and literally! I felt I had come home.

Together we experience comfort for the pain and struggles of life.

Together we protect each other

Ecclesiastes 4:12 - And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

We are more vulnerable physically, emotionally, and spiritually when we live alone. We need friends, family, and a community to help protect us against the harms that swirl about us in life. 

Temptations do not have the same power over us when we have a brother or two to fight alongside us. But if we are alone and isolated, as the verse above states, we likely will not stand.

But we don't just need relationships so we can be protected, we also need them so we can protect others. It's just as important for our brothers that we are in the foxhole as it is for us that they are there. When you have someone specific to fight for, rather than just a concept or principle (i.e. purity), you become quite a bit more invested in the battle. You realize that there are actual lives on the line, and they need your presence to help them be victorious.

After I had been attending the group for awhile, I noticed something about this idea of protection in community. No one belittled another man’s story and no one ever shared another man’s story outside the group. This wasn’t even a verbalized “rule,” this was just how men in the group protected each other. 

I believe this desire to protect other group members is rooted in respect for courage. It isn’t easy to confess secret sins. Telling others of the awful selfish behaviors you have engaged in takes a great deal of courage. But when that courage is displayed, respect is granted. 

We all need a group of friends, of confidants, who “have our back” in the trenches of life. We need those who protect our dignity, and we need those whose dignity we can protect. The bond of such friendships becomes unbreakable. 

Together we stand up and protect each other. 

Together we learn

The longer a person is isolated or disconnected from relationships, the more prone they are to delusional thinking. We rarely come up with brilliant ideas alone. How do I know this? Try bouncing one of your "brilliant" ideas off someone else, or better yet several someone else's. You are likely to get some push back on your ideas, maybe even causing you to realize that they weren't even that good, let alone brilliant.

Proverbs 18:17 - The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.

We need each other to help us learn and grow and be accountable. This requires humility, acknowledging that we aren't as smart as we think we are and that there is good that comes from sharing ideas. Surely, the Word of God contains the most important ideas, and we must be willing to wrestle with the truth that sets us free, even when it demands that we change our ways.

The best context for such learning is in community with others who also desire to heal and grow.

Within a few weeks of joining my support group, one of the men shared a truism from the AA community: “It’s your best thinking that got you here.” At first, I was shocked and a little bit offended. What a hard statement! But it was also a true statement.

I was confronted with the reality that my “wisdom” in addiction was actually foolishness. My reasoning, my false beliefs, my choices landed me squarely in the prison of compulsive behaviors that I could not control or resist. My best thinking got me here.

This is when I began to discover the treasure of wisdom that exists in a group of people pursuing freedom, truth, and grace. Group became a place for questions to be asked and wrestled with. It was safe to say “I don’t know” and to let go of “always being right” thinking. 

Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm. -Proverbs 13:20

Together we learn and grow in wisdom and humility. 

Together we multiply good

Ecclesiastes 4:9 - Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.

One major point of fellowship and togetherness is to multiply good; to pass along the blessings we have received to those struggling. As we stumble through life, we do so together. We pick each other up when we fall, helping one another to move forward and not get stuck -- in addiction, depression, shame, etc.

Which is more encouraging: 

When you fall, someone hands you a book to read.
or 
When you fall, someone lifts you up by spending time with you.

(It's rhetorical; the answer is obvious!) Togetherness is how we multiply good. When someone has cared enough to lift you up through their time and presence, you feel compelled to demonstrate the same care and sincerity, not only toward them, but also toward others who fall.

After several months in my group I noticed a change in me when it came to sharing my story outside the group. I was more open and honest with friends or coworkers, even people in my church. As I was receiving help from the group and seeing changes manifest in my thoughts and behaviors, I felt more compelled and confident to share this with others -- even inviting other men to join me in the group!

About one year after beginning my recovery I started a group for men in my church. That was over 20 years ago and hundreds of men have come through that group on their own journey of recovery and growth. 

Together we multiply good for generations to come.

Together we love

1 Corinthians 13:13 - So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Our chief aim in all of life is to love -- both God and others. At the core of our being we were made for relationship, to love one another with all our being. Love cannot be fully expressed or enjoyed alone. It makes no sense. Love must be shared.

The deepest need we have is to be known and loved. You cannot be known if isolated and disconnected from others. And if you cannot be known, you certainly can't be loved. To love someone is to know them; the good, the bad, and the ugly. We long to be loved, and we are made to love others.

For decades now my favorite day of the week is Tuesday. Why? Because this is the day that our weekly support group meets. I love this day because I love the men who show up. And when they experience love, they experience all that comes with it: hope, freedom, joy, peace, and so much more. 

Together we love one another no matter what.

Don't live any more of your life alone. Reach out to others around you and start the journey of knowing and loving one another. The greatest joys in life only come in relationship. 

We are better together!

After 18 years of full-time sexual integrity ministry, I was given a 7-week sabbatical by our board of directors. In my entire adult life I had never had that much continuous time away from work. It was a precious gift, and I am thankful.

But I know the question you are asking: Why would I care about your sabbatical?

In other words, Why should you even keep reading this article?

Because you and I are more alike than we are different. We have the same fundamental needs since we are fellow human beings made in God's image. And one of those basic needs is rest. 

Keep reading if you want to gain some insights about rest that could help you achieve greater spiritual, physical, and emotional health. Yes, God's creation and design of rest really is that incredible -- and essential! 

Defining Rest

Before I share my personal sabbatical discoveries, let's get a working definition for rest. This definition is rooted in the biblical idea of Sabbath. 

And on the seventh day God finished his work that he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all his work that he had done. So God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it God rested from all his work that he had done in creation. -Gen. 2:2-3

When God finished His creation work, He rested. In His case, this wasn't because He was tired or needed any sort of energy "replenishment." He rested in order to enjoy His work; to relish, or glory in it. 

Part of Sabbath rest is pausing to enjoy and delight in doing good work.
 
God went on to establish a weekly rhythm of Sabbath rest for His people:

Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy. -Ex. 20:8-11

God commands us to "remember the Sabbath day" and to "not do any work" on it. It is a holy day set apart for physical rest -- and spiritual reflection. To "remember" the Sabbath is to remember the God of the heavens and earth, and worship Him accordingly.

Part of Sabbath rest is being still and worshiping the God of creation.

Sabbath rest is a regularly dedicated time to cease from work, to focus on God, and to celebrate all the good that has been done in His name.

God created the Sabbath to be a regular part of life. At the very least, one day a week is to be set aside for Sabbath rest. But there can also be seasons of Sabbath rest, such as a sabbatical. God even instituted "rest" for the land every seven years (see Exodus 23:10-11). 

The main question for you and me is do we take Sabbath rest as seriously as God does? And if not, what are the consequences?

Discoveries from My Sabbatical 

The following are some discoveries I made on my sabbatical that I hope will help you pursue a better balance of Sabbath rest in your own life. At the end of the article I post some additional resources for better work-rest balance. 

1. Rest is good and needs to be a regular part of the rhythms of life.

Following from the above definition of Sabbath rest, this first "discovery" may seem like an obvious no-brainer. Duh, of course rest is good and needs to be part of my life!

But slow down. Sometimes what appears so obvious is glaringly absent from our actual week-to-week lives.

Do you really believe that rest is good and necessary? Or do you treat it like a nice accessory, but not a true necessity? In other words, do you view rest as equally as important as work? Is it scheduled on your calendar like everything else you consider important? When you disobey God's command to rest, do you confess it as sin?

(Ok, I'll stop there. I sense my questions were getting increasingly painful -- and personal!)

Because Sabbath rest is connected to God's Sabbath rest in creation we need to see it as both good and necessary. The idea of Sabbath existed before sin entered the world. Therefore, it is holy, good, and part of God's original design for human beings.

2. Rest is harder than it seems.

I was so looking forward to my sabbatical. I envisioned deep relaxation of body, mind, and soul. Then I was struck by a surprising reality: rest doesn't come easily!

Remember the definition of Sabbath rest: a regularly dedicated time to cease from work, to focus on God, and to celebrate all the good that has been done in His name.

Intentionality, ceasing work, focus, celebration. These are not terms that indicate passivity. Ironically, real rest takes some real effort!

​I love getting into nature, especially the mountains. There is something so majestic and awe-inspiring about these rocky crags that reach for the heavens. I feel wonder and amazement when gazing at the earth from a perch at 10,000 feet. 

But I find there is more to be amazed at than just the beauty of God's creation. I find woven into nature millions of testimonies for Sabbath rest. 

• The cycle of light and dark every 24 hours indicates the rhythm of activity and stillness.
• Animals are not in constant motion; they gather food and eat, but also sleep and play. 
• Flowers bloom boldly in the morning sun, but fall limp in the twilight hours.
• The rhythms of rain and drought form a kind of dance between the land "coming alive" and "taking a nap." 
• The wind blows hard, followed by stillness and quiet. 

Observing nature can provide a simple (but profound) education in our need for Sabbath rest. After all, nature is far more obedient to God's commands than we are!

Praise the Lord from the earth,
    you great sea creatures and all deeps,
fire and hail, snow and mist,
    stormy wind fulfilling his word!

Mountains and all hills,
    fruit trees and all cedars!
Beasts and all livestock,
    creeping things and flying birds!

-Psalm 148:7-10

5. Sabbath rest is primarily communal

I am an introvert. I prefer solitude over groups of people. This isn't a bad thing, but if I'm not careful I can use this personality tendency as an excuse to isolate from community. But true Sabbath rest is communal.

Even when God rested from His creation work, He observed it and celebrated it communally. First, in Himself; He is one God consisting of a triune community: Father, Son, Holy Spirit. But secondly, He rested in the presence of human beings (they were created on the 6th Day and God rested on the 7th Day). 

I certainly believe there is a place for solitude in Sabbath rest (even Jesus would withdraw to "lonely places" to pray; but one could argue even this was communal since the Son was praying to the Father). But a huge part of what our souls need in Sabbath rest cannot be experienced by ourselves. 

There are 3 main communal "activities" of Sabbath: Sacrifice, Fellowship, and Worship.

• Sacrifice --  In the "old days" this often included an animal sacrifice. But thanks to Jesus' once-for-all sacrifice on the cross, this is no longer necessary. Yet Sabbath rest still requires sacrifice: time, work, busyness, attention. 
  
  To be quiet and still in our modern world is a sacrifice. Such sacrifice allows margin for connecting with God and others in ways that refresh body and soul.
  
  
• Fellowship -- God made human beings for connection; with Him and each other. Sabbath rest includes connecting with friends and family for recreation and fun. If we really want to celebrate the blessings of God in our lives, we must share that celebration with others.
  
  
• Worship -- All that is good comes from God (James 1:17). True Sabbath rest is thanking and praising our Creator for who He is and all that He has done. His work is "very good" indeed! And the best way to magnify praise is in a group of fellow believers. Worship is always intended to draw a crowd and direct attention and praise to the Maker of heaven and earth.
  
  Praise the Lord!
  Praise God in his sanctuary;
      praise him in his mighty heavens!
  Praise him for his mighty deeds;
      praise him according to his excellent greatness!
  
  -Psalm 150:1-2

6. Life can only be enjoyed in the present

For some, the normal routines of life can become monotonous and predictable. Every day is just work, eat, sleep, repeat. The calendar app keeps rushing us from one activity to the next. Time races by. All that matters is what's next.

For others, although time keeps ticking, life has stopped. Nothing seems to matter. Food has lost its taste. Work is nothing more than punching a time card. Sleep is illusive. All of life is stuck in the past. 

But neither dreams of the future nor memories of the past are happening now. And now is life. Life is only experienced in this moment. 

My sabbatical reminded me to be careful of clinging to the unchangeable past or racing toward the unpredictable future. Instead, life is about being present in the now. 

Interestingly, I discovered that "being present" is a far more restful way to live. Pining (or brooding) over the past is stressful and exhausting. Constantly imagining (or fantasizing) about the future, while fun and exciting, carries me away from opportunities that might be right in front of me now.

This doesn't mean we never examine our past or plan for our future. But we must learn to do so without sacrificing the only time that life is happening: now.

A Few More Ideas

Here are just a few more ideas from my sabbatical that might be useful as you think about your own times of rest:

• Food and drink seem to taste better when enjoyed unhurried.
• Devotional times with God are richer when not constrained by a clock.
• It's ok for some tasks to be left unfinished.
• God is sovereign; His plans don't need me. And yet,
• God cares about my cares; He wants me in His life.
• Living at a slower, deeper, richer pace enriches my life and enhances my ability to serve and love others well.

Final Thoughts

I hope this brief reflection on my sabbatical has helped you think through your own need for Sabbath rest, and provided you with a few ideas so you might engage more faithfully in "time to cease from work, to focus on God, and to celebrate all the good that has been done in His name."

What is God inviting you to do differently in order to engage more Sabbath rest? What will you do right now to take steps in that direction?

May God bless you as you rest in Him...

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Additional Resources to Help You Rest Well:

An Unhurried Life by Alan Fadling
Reset by David Murray (for pastors/ministry leaders)
Refresh by Shona & David Murray (for women)
Soul Keeping by John Ortberg

In recent years a lot has been written about the negative fallout of the "purity movement" of the 1990's and early 2000's. And rightfully so. Many were wounded as a result of narrow, incomplete teaching on God's design for sex. 

Essentially, "purity culture" taught that sex is for marriage, virginity is sacred (seemingly above all else), and if you save yourself for marriage you will be blessed with happiness and great, godly sexual bliss. This led many young people to go "underground" with their sexual struggles and questions due to the shame created by the purity movement (whether intentional or unintentional). 

But does the failure of a particular movement mean that certain terms must be forever relegated as "dangerous" or unhelpful?

I would like to propose that the term 'sexual purity' is good and useful when properly understood. I will attempt to share what we at Be Broken mean when we use this term, and hopefully this will lead you to a fuller understanding of God's good and beautiful design for sex and purity.

Only God is Pure

When we think of purity as meaning totally unstained or absolute perfection, then there can only be one being to whom this definition fits: God. He alone is perfect, absolutely holy. 

To whom then will you compare me,
    that I should be like him? says the Holy One. (Isaiah 40:25)

This is important to understand so that none of us thinks we can produce within ourselves something that belongs to God alone. God is 100% holy and perfect, we are not.

But this might seem confusing when God's Word also says, "As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, 'You shall be holy, for I am holy.'" (1 Peter 1:14-16, referencing passages from Leviticus; 11:44-45, 19:2, 20:7, and others)

Is God commanding us to do something that is impossible? If only God is holy (pure), how can he command us to be holy?

This is where it is important to remember that we are "made in God's image." (Gen. 1:26-27) Another way to state this is that we are "made in God's reflection." We do not contain the essence of God in our being (we don't possess omniscience, for example), but by God's grace we do possess the capacity to reflect Him. 

In this way, God's call on our lives to "be holy" is to accurately and faithfully reflect His image and character in the world around us. 

Therefore, sexual purity would mean we accurately and faithfully reflect God's design and desires regarding sex and sexuality. 

This is where we need to understand what God's design and desires regarding sex and sexuality actually are.

Sex is Good

In the beginning, God created Adam from the dust of the ground and then fashioned his wife, Eve, out of Adam's body. After they were created, "God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good." (Gen. 1:31)

Human beings made in God's image, male and female, were declared "very good" by God. This included their sexuality. In fact, Adam spoke of this intimate union when he first saw Eve. He said:

“This at last is bone of my bones
    and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
    because she was taken out of Man.”

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. (Gen. 2:23-24)

Adam immediately recognized the "fittedness" of Eve to himself; bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She "completed" him in a way that no other creature God created could. This "one flesh" union was good and sanctioned by God in the covenant bond of marriage ("hold fast to his wife").

But God's design for sex is more than just a way for a husband and wife to connect or procreate. God's design for sex is to give us a tangible picture of the kind of relationship He desires with us: covenantal, intimate, life-multiplying. 

The goodness of sex points to the Author of good: God. He is the ultimate Lover, the faithful Spouse, our persistent Pursuer. 

When we see God's design for sex through His eyes we begin to understand that His call to purity (holiness) is not merely about a list of do's and do not's, but rather an invitation to know Him and love Him in the same way a husband and wife know and love each other. 

To pursue sexual purity is to guard the metaphor of sex God has given us by not distorting or dismantling it through pornography, adultery, fornication, gay marriage, polygamy, and the like.

But we also guard the metaphor by not idolizing it; the picture is meant to point us to its Painter. Sex, and even marriage, cannot ultimately provide what your soul can only experience with God. 

Sex is good. God made it so. Its design is to draw us closer to our Maker, the only One who can satisfy our deepest longings. 

Purity is a Journey, Not a Destination

Nothing in nature is pure. At least not in the sense that we often try to apply (or misapply) this word to sex, as in "sexual purity."

Everything in nature contains "pollution" or imperfections of some kind. Therefore, purity is not a natural state. For anything to be pure it must be purified. Purification is a process of removing the pollutants and imperfections. 

For example, gold is not found "pure" in nature. There are all sorts of imperfections attached to it; dirt, other metals, rock, etc. While much of this can simply be chipped away from the gold, the impurities that are woven into the gold itself cannot be removed without melting the gold. This requires high temperatures (roughly 2000 degrees Fahrenheit!) in order to separate the pure gold from the imperfections. This takes time, patience, and precision.

This is what the process of pursuing sexual purity looks like. Human beings are not naturally pure. We have many "pollutants" and imperfections in us (and around us). Pornography, lust, abuse, and more weaves into our lives, our minds and hearts. And these impurities are not eliminated in a single moment in time. We require regular "purifying" throughout a lifetime.

Another way to think of sexual purity as a process is to consider it like a bath. If you bathed yesterday, would you consider yourself permanently clean? I hope not! In a matter of days (or maybe even shorter!) it would be evident that one bath is not adequate. Bathing needs to be a regular part of your life in order for your body to be clean (or "pure"). 

Sexual purity is a journey. Some parts of the journey might require purification by a refining fire to remove deeply embedded pollutants. Most of the journey will require purification through regular "bathing" to remove the normal, natural imperfections that make their way into our lives daily. 

Sexual purity is not a static, permanent state. It is a daily pursuit of reflecting the holy image of God by examining the mirror of our lives and removing whatever is blocking a clear reflection of Him. 

The Goal is Mature Faith, Not Sexual Abstinence

Finally, sexual purity is more about maturing in faith than it is about sexual abstinence. While there are boundaries for sexual behavior, the primary focus is on Jesus.

In our ministry, most of the people who reach out to us for help are looking for answers to very specific problems. 

"Help, I'm addicted to porn. How can I stop?"
"I just found out my husband has cheated on me. What do I do?"
"My 14-year-old son is sexting with his friends. How do I lock down his phone?"

Hundreds of such requests come before us every year. These are real people with real problems and real pain. But if we simply give them quick, pat answers that only address the urgent question without guiding them to the deeper needs, we aren't actually helping them with their problem or their understanding of sexual purity.

You see, no matter what the presenting sexual problem may be, the solution is always ultimately found in Jesus. (I know this sounds like the classic "Sunday school" answer, but it is still true.) Remember, God is holy, perfect, and he revealed himself to us through his Son, Jesus Christ. In Him, the fullness of diety dwells. (Col. 2:9)

Internet filters, accountability software, support groups, counseling, and all other kinds of tools are helpful for curbing behaviors. But no "tool" produces sexual purity in the heart. Only Jesus can transform a person on that level. 

Ultimately, sexual purity is about faith. Will you trust God with your whole heart, your whole life, including your sexuality? Pursuing Him in faith is the most "purifying" thing you can do. His love and truth will cleanse you in ways you might have thought impossible. 

Conclusion

Sexual purity is not a term that we need to fear or categorically dismiss due to its historical mishandling. We just need to understand it better from a biblical framework.

When we use the term "sexual purity" we mean:
​

• Living in such a way to reflect God's design and desires regarding sex and sexuality, 
• Guarding the metaphor of sex by not distorting or dismantling it -- or by idolizing it, 
• Engaging the process of purification, seeing the need for regular cleansing from the normal, natural imperfections of daily life, 
• Depending on Jesus as the ultimate hope and power for true purification.

May God grant you favor and peace as you pursue a life of sexual purity.
​

Related Articles:
​Is it Possible to Quit Porn and Masturbation? 
5 Core Values of Effective Ministry to Porn/Sex Addicts 

It’s been said, ‘‘You cannot give what you do not have.”

Here’s an example. If someone asks me for ten thousand dollars, I could write that person a check for the ten thousand bucks, but in time (not long) they will find out that it was a promise unable to be kept. The check looked legit, it has my signature on it and is from my bank, a bank with real money in it. However, my account couldn’t back up the offering of the money as promised by my signature. The funds are not in my account to give.

I could not give what I did not have.
​
And for me to expect that same person to trust me enough to write them another check that day or anytime soon would be just foolish. I wouldn’t deserve that trust or respect. Yet, for many addicts they expect to be trusted within just a few weeks or even months as they begin recovery. That is not a realistic expectation to have.
Ask yourself this honest question: “How quickly would I trust & respect that person if the shoe was on the other foot?”

I’m going to speak to you today from two perspectives: the porn abuser and the wounded spouse. Notice I didn’t say husband and wounded wife. The reality of porn being primarily, or only, a ‘man’s’ problem is no longer true.
​
More women than ever are finding themselves caught up in the use of pornography. And, it’s just as painful and damaging to her, her relationships, and her marriage.

These women are our wives, daughters, sisters, friends, and church family members. Today, I pray you ladies find the courage to speak up. Ask for help and trust that others will walk alongside you, love you, and not shame you.

As pornography damages and destroys trust and respect, the task of rebuilding trust is a must for the marriage to survive. Respect grows in the light of trust. If there is no healthy, daily exchange of trust and respect in your marriage, it will suffocate. All of this has a foundation of honesty. Painfully honest truth.

The rebuilding process is much like a human being put on a respirator when incredibly ill until the person is strong enough to support himself or herself.

For the betrayed spouse of the porn user, it’s very common for he or she to feel as though they cannot trust themselves. These thoughts and beliefs develop over time as they extend trust and respect and then it’s broken (over & over in many cases). They begin to question whether they can even trust themselves and lose self-respect.

This was very true for my wife in our recovery. She couldn’t give me trust and respect until she once again had for herself. I see it often in the marriages I mentor and minister to.
​
One more time: You cannot give what you do not have.

Initiate confession
When you blow it, and we all do during recovery, tell your wife or husband. If lying, hiding and minimizing undermine trust and respect, honesty and truth-telling rebuild. Secrets are the fuse to the dynamite strapped to trust.

Don’t expect instant gratification or praise from doing what’s right.
Expecting instant praise for doing what should be expected in the first place is self-centered thinking. This thinking minimizes the fact that your spouse is grieving.

Be humble.
Defensiveness is a clear sign of expecting instant gratification, and it’s not helpful. When getting encouragement during recovery, receive it as the grace that it is. Be thankful. Thankfulness displaces the anger that is an underlying element of sexual strongholds.

Listen more–talk less
Men, listen to your wife. Listen for the meaning behind her words. If your wife is speaking to you, she is revealing something about herself to you. Read that last line again, bebause it’s profoundly true. 

Men, hear me: BE HONEST. Secrets and dishonesty destroy trust.

Ladies, listen for sincerity, while watching for changes in the words being spoken and are actions supporting them. Have their words becoming less and less self-focused and are their actions demonstrating that? 

Self-condemning thoughts are destructive.
The depth of the wounds we carry affect at what level this interferes with someone’s recovery. I’ve seen it manifest itself with the addict turning compliments and encouragement into criticism in their mind. Romans 12:2 instructs us how to battle this problem, “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”

It takes intentionality.
Restoring trust and respect doesn’t happen by osmosis or wishful thinking. Many enter recovery expecting it to be pain-free. The deepest wounds our bodies receive have pain as part of the healing process. Intentionally pushing through the pain, doing what must be done in order for long lasting healing to take root, is the prescription. Expect it.

It takes time.
You cannot microwave trust and respect back into your marriage. This is akin to instant gratification. How did you build that trust & respect in the beginning of your relationship? You earned it. Guess what, you have to earn it again. This time, however, you have jumping hurdles that weren’t there the first time–hurdles we placed on the path with our lies and deceptions in the midst of the porn addiction.
As the porn addict who destroyed sacred trusts, we gave up our privilege to be trusted and respected. Do we deserve to be trusted again? Honestly, no. Can we earn back the respect and trust of our spouse and others? Yes, but it’s hard work, takes time, and will be difficult.

Is it worth it? Absolutely! The growth and the closeness my wife and I now have are beyond what I could have imaged.

Will you stumble and fall along the way? Yes. Get back up, dust yourself off, and keep pressing on.

​Desire.

How often do you use this word or even think about it? What is desire?

Desire is defined as: “a conscious impulse toward something that promises enjoyment or satisfaction in its attainment.”

Desires are part of being human and woven into our created nature. But what we desire can often trip us up -- and I believe that’s what James was warning us about when he wrote:

But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desires. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death. (James 1:14-15)

The world we live in fuels those deadly desires. Media, TV, movies, commercials...it’s everywhere. Gotta have the best car, house, clothes...on and on and on. All these things pollute and push out (or at least set aside) the desires of our heart that God our Father would have for us. 

Human desires became broken when Eve bought Satan’s lie and Adam failed to fend off his deceit. 

But God…

As part of the redemptive plan of God in Christ Jesus desire is in play. Human desire was one of the parts of mankind that was broken in the fall in the Garden of Eden. Before the eating of the fruit man and woman were unaware of evil; having an evil desire was not in the mind or heart of humanity.

Then the crafty serpent deceived the man and woman, the lie was bought and evil desire entered the human mind and experience. The very deadly desires that James warned about. 

The plan to redeem

Psalm 37:3-5  Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.

James 4:2-3  You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

God gave you the capacity to desire; to experience "a conscious impulse toward something that promises enjoyment or satisfaction in its attainment." In God's plan, desire was intended to lead us to good things; to places of goodness, truth, and beauty that really would produce joy and contentment. 

But since the Fall in the Garden, two huge questions remain:

What do I do now with the truth of God's good design?
And how can I change my broken evil desires?

Good questions. The good news is that desires can be changed by the grace and power of God. So, let's talk about a few practical things you can start doing today to effect that change. 

I know this: Life change happens when heart change happens. Changing evil desires and shaping new and right-minded desires is an inside job. 

• Prayer is the first step. You’d expect to hear that, right? And for good reason. Pray fervently that God would change your desires for things that honor him. Review the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-24) and start there.
• Watch carefully what you feed our mind through your eyes and ears. Starve the lust of the flesh and instead feed you heart, mind and soul healthy thoughts.
• Revive or start a new habit. Take a daily walk and listen to Christian music or a podcast. I enjoy light instrumental jazz music during the day to keep my mind at ease.
• Spend time with people who are walking this practice out in their lives. Learn from them. He who walks with the wise becomes wise. 
• Pick up an old hobby or start a new one. (woodworking, star gazing, photography, cooking, etc.)
• Prayer. Prayer is both the first step and the ongoing final step. This practice focuses your mind on that which is pure, lovely, honorable. (Phil. 4:8)

Identity and Beliefs

Here are two areas of life that can really trip you up: identity and beliefs. How you see yourself shapes your belief system about yourself. What does that mean? 

People tend to see circumstances how they want to see them, not as the circumstances actually are. What that means is we tend to see life through a "me-shaped" lens; we will see the world around us through a reflection of ourselves.

Optimists see circumstances differently than pessimists. Skeptics view circumstances generally...well..skeptically. If you’re in a tough situation then that difficulty usually impacts how you view things around you. See what I mean?

So, if our self-belief systems are polluted by wounds, addictions, bad relationships and a host of other things, what we believe about ourselves, our value and identity will likely also be negatively impacted.

Here’s where a right perspective of identity is profoundly important. In a saving faith relationship with Jesus Christ, we have been given the right to become children of God (John 1:12). We are saved by grace, through faith (Eph 2:8-9) and not of any good deed or work we do. 

In that moment of salvation through faith Christ Jesus, your identity is forever and eternally changed. You have just become a beloved and adopted son (or daughter) of the Most High God. Did you get that? You are now a prince (or princess) in the Kingdom of God the Father; the Creator who's image you bear. 

When you choose to believe that and receive it in your heart, soul and mind it can change everything! Is this change instant? No, but I sure wish it was. 

I believe this is part of the sanctification journey we are on as Christians. We need to choose to believe our new identity in Christ. Remind yourself of this truth daily (or however often you need). 

In light of this truth of your immense value as a child of God, you are free to open yourself up to the work of God's indwelling Spirit to change your broken desires to Christ-like desires. You don't have to obey the lies of the enemy anymore.

Summary

The redemption of your Garden-of-Eden-fractured desires is part of God’s plan to redeem the whole you. Start this process by recognizing your true identity given to you in Christ Jesus, by God the Father. 

With your identity framed in the right perspective (knowing your true value and worth to God), you can begin to change your desires with a new heart and the “new creation” God declares you to be. 

Related Articles: 
God Isn't Mad at You 
Why Some in Recovery Feel Hopeless 
Will Change Ever Come? 

No one truly enjoys suffering. When pain enters our lives, we instinctively seek relief. This is a right and good response. But often in our quest for relief we mistakenly assume that emotional, spiritual, and relational healing and growth can (and should) happen quickly. They don't. 

But before you get too discouraged, let me try to show you why it is far better to focus on finishing well rather than just starting fast on this journey of healing and growth.

Here are 4 reasons why finishing well is better than starting fast when it comes to true life transformation.

Finishing Well Reminds You that Change is a Journey, Not a Destination

Thousands of men have contacted us over the years to get help for their unwanted sexual habits. They reach out for many different reasons, but almost all have the same fundamental desire: change. 

They don't want to keep doing the things they are doing. Mainly because they are finally waking up to the reality that what they're doing is harmful to themselves and others. They want out. But they want out NOW!

It is understandable to want quick fixes when the effects of a sexual addiction are finally admitted and revealed. It's a mess. It hurts. It's heavy and complicated. To want freedom from such bondage, and peace instead of chaos, is right and good. 

But change, true life change, never happens instantly. Period.

Real transformation, the kind that God works in us through His Spirit, takes a lifetime to come to full maturity. Therefore, focusing on finishing well rather than starting fast reminds us that change is a journey, not a destination. 

There isn't a magical point in time where you can say, "I've arrived! All that must change and be completed in my life is accomplished. There is no more healing or growth needed." This "destination" is called heaven, and we only arrive there after death. (And even in heaven there will be no end to our exploration and wonder of the eternally infinite God...)

So, when it comes to life transformation, finishing well is better than starting fast because it keeps you focused on the lifelong journey of growth rather than constantly trying to achieve an unreachable and unrealistic goal of perfection this side of heaven. There is much freedom and peace that come when we focus on finishing well.

Finishing Well Leads Toward Practical Outcomes, Not Merely Idealized Possibilities

It is easy to "dream big" when considering how to start the journey toward life change. It is something else entirely to actually live out the day-by-day grind of such transformation. Finishing well is about establishing real goals with real results. 

When I began my journey of recovery from sex addiction back in 1999 I had lots of hopes and dreams (fantasies, really) about what a "changed life" could look like. But all those dreams existed way out in the unrealized world of "possibilities," not in my actual life. 

The best possibilities for transformation never happen if there isn't concrete goals and actions attached to them. And this is actually what it takes to finish well. To keep dreaming and dreaming and dreaming about all that "could" change is to stay stuck forever at a starting line you never leave.

If I was going to experience actual life change I was going to have to do something, not just dream something. I had to call a counselor and set up appointments, find a support group and attend faithfully, dig into God's Word and follow wherever His Spirit led me, and many other tangible actions that required my will, not merely good intentions. 

One of the most practical outcomes of a finishing well attitude has been the relationships developed with other men for encouragement, accountability, and support. Had I only just "dreamed" about a changed life without ever doing something about it, I would still be alone, isolated, and probably completely enslaved to my addiction (if not dead). 

Finishing well involves taking concrete steps toward different outcomes. Faithfulness and perseverance grow because you are committed to actions over the long haul that produce change, not just ideas floating around in the dreamland of possibilities. 

(For help taking concrete steps, we have resources for Men, Women, and Families.)

Finishing Well Produces Righteous Character

So what is the actual "goal" of life transformation? If it's a journey and it requires actions, what is this process actually intended to produce? 

The short answer is the life of Jesus. 

We are made in God's image; we are made to reflect God in the world (Gen. 1:26-28). Jesus Christ was the exact representation (image) of God (Heb. 1:3). Because of sin we are separated from God and do not reflect Him rightly (Rom. 3:23). However, through faith in Christ we are reconciled to God and made truly alive; in Christ we are able to reflect God properly. (Eph. 2:8-10)

The Bible calls this process of maturing in our ability to accurately reflect God's image in the world "sanctification." And it is simply the process by which we "look" more and more like Jesus. 

The metaphor that is often used to describe this process is fruit. In Galatians 5:22-23 we read, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law." God's Spirit in us is about the business of producing the fruit of these characteristics of Jesus. 

Fruit doesn't manifest instantly. This is why we say finishing well is a lifelong process. What God is producing in us, the character of Jesus, is not instant. It takes time to grow and mature.

Just think of a few of the characteristics listed above and how time is woven in to their very definitions: patience, faithfulness, self-control. One could even argue that love and joy and gentleness require time to mature because they are experienced in relationship to someone or something else. 

Finishing well keeps us on a growth mission over time. As God reveals areas in our lives that do not align with the character of Jesus, He refines us through pruning and discipline (John 15:1-11). 

By contrast, starting fast stays focused on self. It's all about making yourself look good without any actual transformation of character. It is shallow and unsustainable. It also comes crashing down when storms come. (Matt. 7:24-27)

Finishing Well Pleases the Lord and Grows God's Kingdom

Finally, probably the greatest reason why finishing well is better than starting fast is because it pleases God. 

Jesus told a parable of a master and his three servants in Matthew 25 to help his followers understand what the kingdom of heaven is like. The master gives each servant a different amount of money and then leaves. When the master returns, he goes to see what the servants did with the money he entrusted to them.

Two of the servants had used the master's money to double the amounts. The third servant did nothing. Listen to the commendation the master gave to the servants who increased the amount given:

His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master. (Matt. 25:21)

Well done.

The servants who multiplied the investment of the master in them were commended. They were welcomed "into the joy of [their] master." This is a picture of heaven. Jesus (the Master) is returning and He will be asking what you and I did with the investment He made in us through His Spirit. He is expecting a return on that investment; a return that enhances and expands His kingdom.

How will you answer? 

Did you "start fast" with a bunch of possible ideas that never really got off the ground and were mainly intent with cutting corners to just make yourself look good and not really show any desire to actually change? 

Or did you set your heart and mind on finishing well, on humbling yourself to God's Word and Spirit and engaging the long journey that unfolds step-by-step, day after day, in the trenches of character development and authentic community?

Is change difficult? Of course it is. Is it worth it for the sake of a new heart and mind, healthier relationships, and the hope of hearing "Well done" upon entering the joy of the Master? Most definitely!

If you would like help on your journey of finishing well, please contact us.


Written by
Jonathan Daugherty
Founder & President