There is a process to recovering fully from sexually addictive patterns. It is simple: Heal --> Grow --> Share. In a previous post I wrote about what healing looks like in this process. In this post I want us to explore the next stage: Growing. This stage focuses on three primary areas of growth: emotional, spiritual, and relational.

Emotional Growth

No one struggling with sexually addictive patterns is emotionally healthy. You might want to pause and reflect on that statement for a moment. You might even want to argue with it. But in my many years of hearing thousands of life stories of sexually addicted men and women, I have yet to meet one who exhibited emotional health or maturity in conjunction with their addictive lifestyle. Emotional maturity and addiction just don't go together.

Therefore, it is essential that emotional health be a high priority when seeking to grow into a man or woman of sexual integrity. This means "growing up" and leaving childish ways behind.

1 Corinthians 13:11
When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man (adult), I gave up childish ways.

Most sexually addicted individuals act like children emotionally. This is largely due to the fact that lust teaches a person to be self-centered, controlling, ill-tempered, angry, and deceptive. Just like a 2-year-old. But in order to be a mature man or woman of integrity, childish ways must be given up.

Often, counseling can be very helpful in understanding and overcoming childishness. Also, getting into a group of mature people can help sharpen these emotional skills.

Spiritual Growth

The bible promises that if we walk by the Spirit of God we will not gratify the lusts of the flesh (Gal. 5:16). But how do we "walk by the Spirit?" By deepening our intimate relationship with God through Jesus. We must grow in our dependence upon God. 

Most of us know the things to "do" when it comes to "spiritual growth," but few engage these activities in the way God had in mind. We know to pray, read our bibles, feed the hungry, care for orphans and widows, and serve the poor. But too often we engage in these disciplines with a "box-checking" mentality, not with a heart eager to know God.

Spiritual growth never occurs through activity alone. God is a Person, to be related to intimately, not as something we do, but rather as Someone we know. 

John 14:3-7
"And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.” Thomas said to him, “Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?” Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you had known me, you would have known my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him.”

Spiritual growth is about knowing the Way, not as a religious ritualistic journey, but as one knows a Person. Jesus is THE WAY! On this journey of growth as a man or woman of integrity, you must know Him. May this change how you engage prayer, bible study, and fellowship with others. These are not means to an end, they are ever-present points of contact with the living Jesus.

Relational Growth

Every sexually addicted person has damaged relationships. Lust and love are not synonyms. Therefore, in order to move forward to a life of integrity, you must grow healthy relationships. You must learn to relate well with others.

1 Peter 4:8
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

Healthy relationships require stuff that doesn't exist in addiction. Stuff like sacrifice, forgiveness, sharing, communication, honesty, faithfulness, patience, and lots and lots of love. These are not characteristics that tend to come naturally, especially if you have had lots of practice being a self-centered addict. But there is good news! These are skills. Therefore, they can be learned.

The best context to grow relationally is -- in relationships! Duh. So, talk to your spouse. Spend time with your kids. Share your story with someone. Connect, connect, connect. Don't worry about "messing it up." There is no such thing as a "perfect" relationship. But you can have healthy ones, if you will work on growing in the area of relating well with others.

Growing is essential in becoming a strong man or woman of integrity. There are no shortcuts on this journey. But from a solid foundation of healing, you can grow into the person you always wanted to be. And from there, well, some pretty amazing things can happen...

Get More Help: 

Resources for Men
Resources for Women

Triggers. Triggers are mysterious. They can be sight, smell, taste, a spoken word, a way you are touched. So in essence, all five senses are affected by triggers. If we have had any form of trauma, abuse, neglect, loss, we continuously attach those moments from the past to other things as time moves on.

For instance, if we were in a serious accident we might hear a screeching tire and freak out. If we lost a child, anytime we see a child their age we can be triggered and feel the loss as if it had just taken place. It usually leads to episodes of anxiety, isolation and for an addict, acting out in their addiction to escape the pain.

Think for a moment about the nation of Israel. They grew prosperous under Joseph in Egypt. (Genesis 41:41) But then after a few hundred years of flourishing and working as shepherds and farmers in Egypt, a pharaoh arose who knew nothing of the legacy of Joseph, the famine, how God rescued them, (Exodus 1:8) and he decided that because Israel was growing too big for his own comfort, they would subdue Israel and make them slaves.

As the story goes God heard their cries for freedom and sent Moses to deliver them. After 10 plagues and Pharaoh losing his firstborn son the Israelites were allowed to leave. God promised to bring them to a land flowing with “milk and honey” and a place they could forever call home. It came with a catch though. They had to go in and subdue the godless nations there before they could claim it. Beat down slaves had to go to war? Seriously?

The First nation they were to face was Jericho. A huge walled city that towered over the land. After a couple months of hanging out in the wilderness, providing for their every need, Moses sent 12 spies into the Promised Land for reconnaissance. Two of the ten, Joshua and Caleb said, "No problemo. We can take these cats with the Lord on our side." (Reese Revised Version) However, the other 10 said "No way, Jose! They are huge! We look like grasshoppers in their sight!"

They were triggered.

These 10 were also in Egypt treated as slaves with whips and forced to build the huge buildings that made up that towering metropolis. In fact, all they saw when looking at Jericho was a city that reminded them of Egypt. They most likely began to relive the pain of the whips, their feet in the clay making bricks and the harsh treatment from Egyptians taskmasters and fear gripped their soul.

And what if they lost the battle? Who knows what Jericho might do to the survivors. Beating? Raping? Other forms of torture?  "No way am I going back to that again!" (Funny how later on in the wilderness they complained about their conditions so much they thought going back to Egypt was the lesser of two evils).

That one negative report caused God to say, “Ok you don’t think I can handle these guys after how I set you free from Egypt? Do you not remember that whole parting of the Red Sea where you stepped onto dry ground and crossed over into the land I was giving you and then I completely plundered the entire Egyptian army under water? Then you will stay in the wilderness and the generation to come will go in and take the land." And so it was.

The Israelites stayed in the wilderness for 40 years and the former generation died off except two - Joshua and Caleb.  At around 80 years of age or so, they entered the land with the others of the younger generation - now middle aged - fought the battle and defeated Jericho. (Joshua 6) It could’ve happened 40 years earlier but everyone was afraid. Because they were triggered, those 10 spies sewed an incredible amount of fear among the whole nation of Israel - numbering most likely in the millions.

Triggers can prolong our journey to true freedom. Sometimes for decades. If we allow them to loom large over our life, like a walled city, we will never enter into all God has for us to experience. There’s a saying, “It’s always today in Traumaland.” But you can move through to tomorrow by holding fast to a loving Father who will not only carry you through the pain, the fire and the flood (Isaiah 43), He will fight the battle for you. (2 Chronicles 20:15-17).

Recovery from sexual (or any) addiction is difficult. (How's that for an understatement?) It's a messy process that requires fundamental changes to a person's life that previously had been left unchecked and unaccountable. Now there must be openness and honesty and community and self-examination and my goodness I'm getting exhausted just writing about it! But what I often see work its way to the top of the list of frustration in recovering sex addicts is that how to recover becomes more important than what needs recovering. Let me illustrate.

A Conversation with a Guy

A guy comes into my office (let's call him Guy). He has developed a deep sexual addiction over the past 20+ years. He was recently caught in an affair and began going to counseling and plugging into a weekly support group. It has been six weeks since he was caught, and now he sits in front of me to tell me his story and see what I have to say to him. This might be how a portion of that conversation would go.

"So, Jonathan, my wife wants to separate, my employer is weighing legal options since the affair was with a co-worker, and I'm hoping none of this leaks out to anyone in our church; my reputation would be shattered. How can fix all this?"

"What do you think needs fixing?" I ask.

"Are you serious? Have you been listening? My wife wants to leave, my job is on the line, and if this affair and the history behind it get leaked to my church, we could lose all our friends. What do you mean 'what' needs fixing?"

"Well, you have been married for 15 years, right?"

"Yes."

"You have been at this company for 10 years, even getting high praise and promotions along the way?"

"Right."

"You are a prominent member and supporter in your church and have a reputation as a selfless person."

"Okay."

"So, I'll ask again, what needs fixing? It appears like you have it all together."

"Maybe for now, but it's on the verge of collapsing."

"And if you can keep your job, stay married, and be the 'good guy' at church, everything will be fine? There wouldn't be any need for significant, fundamental changes in your life as a man? Are you serious?"

"I guess I see your point, but how do I change?"

"Guy, you need to first focus on what needs to change before you can even consider how to change it. Let's start peeling that onion back and see just how deep the pain, secrecy and selfishness that led to secret sin goes. Then we can talk strategies for change. Are you willing to start this journey of discovery?"

"I hope so."

Focus on WHAT First

This is just one small example in thousands where well-meaning people who desire change get the cart before the horse. You cannot effectively map out strategies for recovery ("how") until you have thoroughly identified the brokenness ("what"). But even after you uncover all that needs healing in your life, you must continue to remain focused on what God wants you to do about it rather than how to do it. In fact, God emphasizes what over how a lot!

Here are just a few examples of "what emphasis" in the Bible:

You shall not commit adultery. (Ex 20:14)

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. (Eph 5:3)

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. (John 13:34)

So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. (Gal 5:16)

And there are many others; pray for each other (James 5:16), carry each other's burdens (Gal 6:2), walk in the light (1 John 1:5), this is love for God: to keep his commands (1 John 5:3), My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you (John 15:12). These are the "what's" of recovery and faith. But God is generally pretty silent on the how's. Why is that?

HOW Can Be a Distraction from Connection

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to drift from emotionally and spiritually connecting with someone when the relationship becomes more about "how" than "what?" It's like the "system" of relationship supersedes the importance of authentic presence, interaction and, well, relating. Life becomes an endless list of boxes to check off, ensuring to everyone watching that how you live is the model of perfection (and you usually don't mind the accolades that follow). In essence, you become a lifeless, empty image-builder; shining and spectacular on the outside, but void of any real substance or beauty on the inside.

As Jesus bluntly put it, "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness." (Matt 23:27-28)

Please don't misunderstand me to say that how we live is unimportant or that God doesn't value how's (for instance, how we are saved is through faith alone in Christ alone; there is no other way, or "how," to be reconciled to God). But the greater value must be placed on what needs healing and what we are called by God to be.

You can never engage a healthy "how" until you have plunged to the deepest depths of humility and honesty before yourself and God. Then, out of the brokenness of the real you, a new life emerges, ready and able to follow wherever (and however) the Lord leads.

So, what needs healing in your life & what is God telling you to do about it?

3 Questions for Diagnosing WHAT Needs to Change

Jesus boiled down what the focus of our lives is to be as his followers: love God and love your neighbor. (Matt. 22:37-40, Mark 12:30-31, Luke 10:27) It's really pretty simple, even if it doesn't come naturally to any of us! In order to discover what needs to change in our lives, we need to analyze the degree to which our lives are aligning with Jesus' simple command.

Here are 3 key questions to help you discover what needs to change:

1. What sin are you returning to again and again?

Sin, in all its forms, pulls us directly away from loving God and loving our neighbor. It is a declaration that I want to choose how to live my life independent from God and His Word. Sin is rooted in pride, and pride is not an attribute of love.

When habitual sin takes hold of our lives, that's a major problem. That is a "what" that needs to be addressed in order to be redirected toward love. When you get clear on the specific sin(s) that needs correction, then you can start working on the "how" of correcting it. 

2. Who is truly Lord of your life?

There is only one God. He is Creator and Sustainer of life and the cosmos. But he made human beings in his image, with the ability to choose. We consistently choose against him and his ways. There is a battle that rages in the heart of every human: will I trust and obey God or will I trust and obey myself? In every moment of life, we are choosing someone to be Lord.

What do you believe gives you the greater probability of loving God and neighbor: surrendering to God as Lord or choosing to live by your own wisdom and will? (The answer is obvious, right? Even if we rarely choose the right answer...)

When you confess Christ is Lord, then with the help of His Spirit, you can start mapping out the steps that will lead to greater faithfulness. 

3. In what ways are you ignoring or harming your neighbor?

You were made for love and to love. God loves you and wants you to love others in the same way. But as we have shown above, pride and self-centeredness harden our hearts. Sometimes we don't even recognize how deeply we are hurting those around us because of our sin and pride.

Ask God (and some family and friends) to help you see the ways in which you are ignoring or harming others. Confess and repent. And begin looking for opportunities to love others in the same gracious way God has loved you. 

When you get clear on what needs you change, then you can start working on how to change. 

The three most important days of your life:

1. The day you were born.
2. The day you were born-again.
3. The day you discover why.

 
Jesus asked this most critical question of his disciples in Mark chapter 8, verses 27-29.

And Jesus went on with his disciples to the villages of Caesarea Philippi. And on the way he asked his disciples, “Who do people say that I am?” 28 And they told him, “John the Baptist; and others say, Elijah; and others, one of the prophets.”29 And he asked them, “But who do you say that I am?” Peter answered him, “You are the Christ.” (Emphasis added)
 
Who we believe Jesus the Christ to be is the most important answer in life. That answer determines the path toward healing and freedom and the discoverability of the purpose of our lives. No other question you will ever answer has the impact of this question.
 
My Story and My Answer
 
I was around the age of 12 when I stumbled upon a pornographic magazine in our home. That moment changed the course of my life forever. In a moment, how I viewed life, women, self, and others began a dangerous and twisted path that nearly led to me taking my own life at age 42.
 
Pornography became my drug and medication of choice for physical and primarily emotional pain. I experienced bullying in various forms as a child and adult from various sources. Many without intention, but certainly some people quite willingly inflicted emotional and physical wounds on my young self.
 
I married the most grace filled woman at age 24. Nearly 38 years later I’m married with the same stunning woman. We are parents to 3 adult daughters, a grandson and son-in-law that we don’t deserve, but thank God for daily!

But there was a time I feared I was going to lose them along with a hopeful future. That began when Julie (my wife) discovered a nearly two-year-long online relationship with another woman.
 
That was in late 2003 and it was during this time period thoughts of ending my life became a planned way out. But God in His mercy stopped me in my (car’s) tracks on a Friday evening.
 
But God

I’d realized I needed help when my depression was so severe I literally could not make myself eat. I was losing weight at frightening speed.
 
In March of 2004 I was part of a stage crew at a Christian event in our small town. I met new friends and began making changes I knew I needed to make.
 
The path was being paved for me to confront my belief about the person of Jesus. Following the event, a concert, I knew something was different within me. I could not readily identify it until the next morning. As I sat on the couch listening over and over to two songs from the album relating to the night before, my heart broke. Snapped like a twig.
 
That morning the answer became clearer than even before. Jesus was and is my Savior! I didn’t simply invite Jesus into my heart and life, I quite literally begged him to come in and take over.
 
He did and continues to do the good work today that He began in March of 2004. I once was blind and by God’s grace now I see.
 
The call on my life (and yours?) is revealed
 
It’s actually clearly and simply revealed what God’s call is on every Christ-follower’s life. Jesus himself spoke it in Matthew 28:18-20.

18 And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” (Emphasis added)
 
Life’s call revealed and a promise given; Go make disciples and the promise from Jesus to always be with me on this mission and our given purpose. The call for all of us is to make disciples of Jesus Christ. For those who are followers of Jesus we know this and believe it to be truth.

I have found meaning, purpose and how to live out that mission in relationship with Jesus. So can you.
 
God will not force himself on us. It’s by grace through faith we find salvation in Jesus the Christ. It cannot be earned. None of us is good enough to do that. It’s why Jesus went to the cross. To pay a price you and I cannot. A price we owe but are woefully incapable of paying.
 
A Good Work Prepared – Your Unique Purpose
 
Ephesians 2:10 "For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

Before our birth, God ordained and created for each of us good works to do. As we pursue our relationship with Jesus, God will reveal those works to us. It takes intentional effort and persistence to discover and clarify that purpose, that good work.
 
The journey to discover or re-discover your God given purpose that has been uniquely prepared for you awaits. Through a process that challenges you to interpret your life in a way you likely never have, your purpose is discoverable.
 
What Gets in the Way?
 
The list of what distracts us from fully engaging the healing journey and discovering our purpose or even catching a glimpse of it is lengthy. Here are a few of the more common sources of distraction. (Certainly not exhaustive)

• Our job
• Illness
• Pride
• Addictions
• Shame and it’s lies
• Other’s expectations of us
• Relationships (good and not so good)
• Faulty belief systems
• Emotional wounds

 
Maybe you can identify your healing and purpose killer in this list, or maybe not. The important truth is that you do have a real God given purpose for your life. A purpose that only you can truly accomplish. This purpose will bring you fulfillment and more importantly help others as the primary by-product.

Unhealed wounds will and do get in the way of experiencing God’s life to the full he intends and the purpose He planned in that fullness for us to “walk in”.
 
Our purpose is not primarily for us, but it can and will fulfill us in so many ways. And right now, I invite you into the journey.
 
This is the good work God has called me to. It’s an honor to serve Him, by serving you. I’d love to hear from you. If you have an interest in finding out more about how the healing and purpose discovery process works, please reach out and let’s have a short visit.
 
I’m still a student of this journey and suspect I will be until the day Christ returns or calls me home.
 
Courageously forward my friends.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." -Chinese proverb

​If you or someone you love is addicted to pornography or other unhealthy and unwanted sexual activities, there is certainly sickness present. It may not be a physical sickness (although many porn addicts report they don't feel well much of the time). But there is always emotional and spiritual sickness in those who develop sexually addictive patterns. And if the one sick is to become well, healing must occur. 

Before we dive into what it takes to heal from sexual addiction, we must understand the overall process and purpose of recovery.

Recovery is a process of healing from unhealthy compulsions and growing in one's God-given identity, for the purpose of encouraging others with similar struggles.

It is a lifelong process that invites a person to exchange their life of addiction (self-centered idolatry) for a life of purpose and meaning (selfless acts of service). With this in mind, let's dive into what it takes to heal from sexually addictive patterns.

Diagnosis

Proper healing never happens without proper diagnosis. If you suffer from a head cold and a doctor inaccurately diagnoses you with bronchitis, whatever treatment is prescribed will have little effect on your actual illness. It is important to assess the problem carefully in order to develop a quality treatment plan. 

When it comes to sexual addictions, it isn't as easy to diagnose as a head cold (or even bronchitis). There are many variables:

• family of origin issues,
• abuse (physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual),
• trauma,
• sexual history,
• exposure to porn in childhood,
• religious beliefs,
• and more.

This part of the recovery journey can benefit greatly from counseling by a qualified sexual addiction counselor.

Take your time in the diagnosis stage. Be careful not to get "stuck" in analysis, but also don't be too quick to rush to "solutions" before you have adequately unpacked all that has been bottled up deep inside.

Secrecy is a big part of developing (and perpetuating) an addiction, so it is likely that it could take a while for everything that has been hidden to come into the light for examination. Be patient and keep bringing it all out. It will be painful, but it is pain with a good purpose: healing. 

Prescribe treatment

Once the diagnosis is made, there must be a plan for treating the sickness. How would you like to go to your doctor with the head cold I mentioned earlier, and after he diagnoses your cold he stands up, shakes your hand, and dismisses you from his office? No prescription. No advice. Not even a "hope you feel better" as you head for the door. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't keep that doctor. 

The same should be true in recovery. Too often people keep going back again and again to "doctors" (i.e. helpers in recovery) who do nothing more than tell the patient, "Yep, you're addicted to porn and sex. Good luck." What? Healing from a sexual addiction does not occur through diagnosis only. There must be a plan for getting well.

The combination of counseling and support groups can be very helpful when developing a plan for your specific needs. These are environments that are designed to give you the time and space you need to absorb new thoughts and engage in healthy relationships that motivate you to live in a different way -- free from addiction.

God's Word is our ultimate source for truth and wisdom and guidance. And for those who have placed their faith in Jesus Christ there is the promise of the indwelling of his Holy Spirit to "guide us into all truth." (John 16:13) Dig into the Word of God and spend time in listening prayer to learn what steps God wants you to take in your healing journey.

But a "prescription" doesn't fill itself. You ultimately have to "take your medicine."

"Take your medicine"

I remember being sick as a kid -- a lot! It felt to me like I was going to the doctor every week with a sore throat and fever. Every time I started to feel bad, I knew what was coming: the spoon. Yeah, I think you know what I'm talking about. The spoon that carried this liquid that was a color no one can describe. And the taste. Well, I'd rather not talk about it anymore. I'm not feeling too well...

I'm not sure why most medicines can't taste good, but it seems to be that way when it comes to the ingredients that make us well. The same is true in the healing process of recovery.

I wish I could say it "tastes" good to confess sin and brokenness, to make amends, to humble myself before God and others, to resist temptation, to reach out for help, to set up boundaries at home and work, and much more. But what the "prescription" for a life of integrity lacks in taste, it makes up for in effectiveness. This is what it takes to heal.

When you discover that the prescription, or plan, for your healing is actually for your good, you won't be as likely to resist it. In fact, you will reach out for the "spoon" and drink the weird-colored medicine because of its transformative effect. Over time you will even begin to "feel" better, not wallowing about in the cloud of addiction, loneliness, and shame. This is what healing looks like, and it is the first step of the long, and rewarding journey of recovery.

For help in healing from sexual trauma or addiction, consider the following resources:

Gateway to Freedom (3-day workshop for men)
40-Day E-Course for Men
40-Day E-Course for Women
Online Care Groups for Wives
Professional Counselor
Support Groups

How does your story fit into the Prodigal Son story? 

Jesus got a lot of opposition from the religious leaders of his day. They didn't like what he was saying about God and his kingdom; his teaching didn't fit their narrative. So, in order to combat their false narrative, Jesus told stories to illustrate what he was teaching about God and how life was to be lived in His kingdom. 

One such story that Jesus told was about a father and his two sons (found in Luke 15). It was actually the third story in a string of stories Jesus told to try and communicate how God loves to celebrate when lost possessions of great value are found.

The story of the Prodigal Son is about Pride, Prostitutes, Pigs, and a Party. As the story unfolds, see where your own story might intersect and discover God's heart for you no matter where you are on your journey.

Pride (I want it my way!)

Jesus said, “There was a man who had two sons. And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.’ And he divided his property between them." (Luke 15:11-12)

One day this son goes to his dad and demands that he give him his inheritance. This is a bold, arrogant move because the father isn't even dead yet!

Before we wag our fingers too strongly at this young man, we probably ought to examine our own hearts on this matter. For all of us, in one way or another, have demanded the same from our heavenly Father. We may think because of our hard work "for the kingdom" God owes us blessings of comfort and prosperity. Or maybe we have some understanding of the spiritual "riches" we have in Christ but think we can then just snap our fingers whenever we want to "actualize" such "heavenly wealth."

Pride blinded this young son to the actual goodness of his father and the riches he already possessed as a member of his family. The more his eyes became fixed on himself and his own desires, the less he was able to recognize and enjoy the love and presence of his father. Dad was no longer a person to be known, but merely a resource to fund the son's selfish whims.

Amazingly, the father gave the son what he asked of him. What grace! And what wisdom. Some lessons can only be learned by actually receiving what our selfish hearts demand. 

Whenever I have pushed back in disagreement or anger on any of God's boundaries, I have learned the hard way that the source of such rebellion was pride. In the moment, I couldn't see the love and kindness and wisdom of God's restriction; I only saw it blocking me from what I wanted. 

Many times God would eventually give me what I was asking for, and I would do with His resources exactly what the Prodigal Son did with his father's inheritance: run away from home.

Prostitutes (the "fun" of sin ... for a season)

Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living. (Luke 15:13)

The son finally had what he asked for and he wasn't going to waste any time getting busy with living however he wanted. He split town and headed to a place where no one knew him and he wouldn't be "bothered" by those religious restrictions of his father and their community. 

I'm sure the son was having a fun time. I had lots of fun while I was sinning. Sin is fun! It feels good. It feeds base cravings and urges. But it also operates like a snowball rolled down a white-capped mountain. At first it seems manageable, but eventually its size and speed become unstoppable and dangerous. 

The text says this boy "squandered his [father's] property in reckless living." Some translations say "in sensuous living." Sin is about the senses consuming whatever they can. Taste, touch, smell, sound, sight. Notice how sin entices the senses to take; the basic nature of sin is greed. 

In a short period of time the young man blew through all the money his father had given him. This is what happens when sin is allowed free reign in a life without any restrictions or boundaries. 

God didn't establish boundaries for us because He doesn't like us or doesn't want us to succeed or be satisfied. His law was given to show us the insidious nature of sin and how it will utterly destroy our lives if we give into it. God's law is based in His love for us; He is a good Father!

And when he had spent everything, a severe famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. (Luke 15:14)

​Eventually, the ways of pride and greed lead to loneliness and and even greater need. The Prodigal Son, like us, thought that if he pursued everything his heart wanted that he would find true satisfaction. Instead, he found himself broke and alone. His condition actually worsened. This is the nature of sin: it leads to destruction.

But the son wasn't quite ready to give up on his venture. He still thought he could solve his problem on his own. He hadn't yet reached the necessary point of brokenness that would lead him home.

Pigs (the brokenness of true repentance)

So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything. (Luke 15:15-16)

​The Prodigals Son's selfish decisions eventually landed him far from home taking a job he likely would have never considered just a few short months before: feeding pigs.

This may not seem like that big a deal to you, especially if you live in a western, non-Jewish nation. But when Jesus told this story he was speaking to an all-Jewish audience. The imagery of this young man taking a job to feed pigs would not have been lost on them.

Pigs were considered an "unclean" animal according to Jewish law. the Jewish people were not to have anything to do with pigs. So, the fact that this boy even considered taking a job feeding them was an indication of just how far he had wandered from his home. But even more startling than this boy feeding the pigs was the feeling he was having toward them: envy.

"...he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate..."

There probably couldn't be a better way to describe the lowest possible feeling that a Jew could have than to say he envied a pig! And that is exactly where the Prodigal Son found himself, feeling lower than a pig.

But Jesus knows that this is a great place for a wandering soul to be. Sometimes it takes a journey of prideful self-indulgence to get us to finally acknowledge our sin and brokenness. Many a soul has found the hope and delight of God's grace while covered in the muck of a stinky pig pen. And this is exactly what the Prodigal Son discovered. 

Party (the joy of a faithful Father) 

But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father's hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.” (Luke 15:17-19)

The Son finally "woke up" and came to his senses. He realized where his pride had taken him and he remembered the kindness and goodness of his father. He then formulated a plan to repent of his sin and make amends with those he hurt by his selfish actions. He hoped and prayed that he might just get a bunk with the servants.

Little did he know that the kindness and goodness of his father ran so much deeper than he imagined. 

And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to celebrate. (Luke 15:18-24)

The father spent every day since his son left scanning the horizon in hopes that he might see his silhouette coming down the road. Now, finally, after many days (probably months, at least) he sees the figure of his son returning -- and he cannot contain his joy!

He runs to his boy (something a Jewish man with his wealth would never be expected to do!) and wrapped him in his arms and kissed him. The son tries to get his confession out, but the father overwhelms his words with an avalanche of grace. He calls out to have him clothed like royalty and for party preparations to be made immediately.

Imagine yourself as this son.

​The last time you saw your father you were demanding money from him in a way that wished he were dead. Now, as you return home, covered in caked on mud and filth from the pigs you envied, this same father is embracing you and showering you with kisses and demanding that a party be thrown in your honor.

How do you respond? How could you respond? Do you see that grace has the power to completely overpower your defenses of shame? Could you respond to such grace with a statement like, "But Dad, are you sure about this? I mean I really screwed up! This party is way too much."

Your heavenly Father knows every step you have taken in your wanderings from Him. He knows how you have squandered his wealth on reckless living. He has seen the heaviness of your heart as you stare with envy at the "pigs" you are feeding. He feels your brokenness as you come to your senses and begin your journey home.

No matter what you have done, God's heart bursts with joy when he sees your silhouette rise on the horizon. He can't contain his joy as he runs to you, smile on his face, to sweep you up in his arms, kiss you, and throw the greatest party you could ever imagine. 

​That's how much your Father loves you. If you've been wandering, will you come home to him?

The last 2 years have been challenging and interesting, to put it mildly. 

I’m one of those people who seeks God for a “word” for the year. In late 2019 as I sought God for that very thing what I heard was not one, but two words: Grateful Vision. 

In 2020 what I received was the word: Joy.

Little did I understand that those three words combined would be a compass to a lesson and path God would lead me down as well as allowing me to experience (once again) the pains when I think my way is better. 

I am a perfectionist, but I’m just horrible at it (I borrowed that phrase from a good friend). Admittedly, that stung a bit when I realized how accurately that describes me. 

Lessons Learned

#1 - We often see things as we are, not as they actually are. 

The tendency for many of us is to see what's happening around us through the filter of our current circumstances. In other words, if our situation is troublesome, difficult and very painful, we tend to see the world around us through that lens. 

This can send us in a downward spiral and we find ourselves (not everyone I understand) headed into depression-like mindsets. Even those who are typically glass-half-full folks over time slide towards the half-empty viewpoint. 

This can be especially true for those in the midst of recovery and a grieving process. And, the holiday seasons can add to this. 

In 2020 and into the first half of 2021, the two words, Grateful Vision, quickly vanished from my daily thinking and I found myself battling my old nemesis depression and anxiety. 

It was mid 2021 before God opened my eyes, ears and heart to some cherished wounds, fears and anxiety that I’d been harboring in the deep corners of my soul. That’s where this lesson came to light and the journey out began. 

Our Response: 2 Corinthians 10:5 “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.”

#2 - Gratefulness is an antidote for Fear and Anxiety

Choosing gratefulness and thankfulness as a focus of our thoughts and daily actions will begin to displace fear and anxiety (anger also by the way) from our hearts. This does not happen by osmosis or accident. 

Make a list of items to be grateful for and place them where you can see them every day. Not only read that list but speak the words out loud a couple of times every day. There’s a powerful transaction and impact on our minds as we hear ourselves speak truth over our own lives. 

Seeing gratefulness as part of a daily worship practice is a helpful mindset. 

Our Response: The Apostle Paul exhorts us to think this way as he wrote to us in Romans 12:2 “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

#3 - Gratefulness Lets Joy Back In

Have you ever felt like the joy in life has just left the building? 

That’s what happens when fear, worry and anxiety have the throne of our hearts and souls. It can feel like darkness or heaviness is constantly sitting within us. 

It can become exhausting and a drain on our energy and resources. Thinking becomes foggy or a struggle. The ability to focus for long periods of time becomes difficult. This is exactly what I experienced from mid 2020 to mid 2021. It feels like your emotional tank is almost constantly nearly bone dry or close to it. 

Sleep can become disturbed or even if you sleep decently, you wake up tired still. If that connects with you in some way, I’m sure you’re not alone nor are going crazy. After all, the last 2 years kicked many of us around a bit.

This lesson on gratefulness and joy hit me in the midst of God leading me back to a wise counselor who helped me process what I was feeling. He helped me to see how my self talk had become toxic and gently re-focused me back to Jesus. 

We have a real enemy that has come to, “steal, kill and destroy”. As part of his deceptive methods he relentlessly works to get our eyes off God and on ourselves. He wants to get us distracted and wrapped up in our own desires and little world. 

When fear, anxiety and anger (and the like) wiggle their way into our minds, gratefulness and joy begin to be suffocated. Then, Satan can stand back and let us become our own worst enemy. 

The lesson hit me hard during a week long sabbatical in September. Sitting in the woods of a retreat center I heard the thin whisper (still small voice) of the Holy Spirit. What He reminded me of was that all my worries about finances, lack of joy in my soul and having forgotten the call to “Grateful Vision” left me feeling very depleted and fearful. 

I was truly living in a crippling fear of any financial calamity (imagined), health issue and feeling like I was failing as a man to provide for my wife in a way I believe she deserves. 

The bad news: If I can be honest with you, I hated living this way and what made it worse was the awakening to the truth that I’d walked myself right into the valley of the shadow of death. 

The good news: Psalm 23:1- 4

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures.He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 

Our Response: Remind ourselves that the Lord is indeed my shepherd. He may not remove us from the valley, but He is walking through the valley with us. He guides, provides and sustains us through it all. He is faithful and will do it. 

This song from Josh Baldwin, Evidence continues to be a reminder of the faithfulness of Jesus the Christ in my life. God uses this song yet today to guide me back to the truth of Psalm 23. 

Have you ever felt anxious about how to respond if your child asks a question about sex? An honest answer for some is to hope they just don’t ask. However, parents know it is better if we do, so that we can be the ones educating them instead of Google or one of their friends.

Even so, we would all like a few pointers for responding to a child’s curiosity about sex, so this blog will attempt to give a few. Here are three ways to speak into a child’s curiosity; two that are proactive and one that is responsive.

1. Get Ahead of Children’s Curiosity

Teaching children about sex protects them from inaccurate and inappropriate ideas about sexuality. When children are educated on God’s design for sex they will be able to spot a counterfeit. Educate to protect.

Children need information about sex at younger ages than was necessary in the past. Pornographic idea surround them. Sooner is safer. Here are two ways we can educate children.

Using Books
Here are a few books that teach God’s design for sex to consider:

• Preschool: God Made Boys and Girls: Helping Children Understand the Gift of Gender, by Marty Machowski. 
• Preschool: God Made Your Body, by Jim Burns.
• Age 6-8: How God Makes Babies, by Jim Burns.
• Age 8-10: The Talk: 7 Lessons to Introduce Your Child to Biblical Sexuality, by Luke Gilkerson. 
• Ages 10-12: Changes: 7 Biblical Lessons to Make Sense of Puberty, by Luke & Trisha Gilkerson.

There are a wide array of illustrated encyclopedia-type books for kids on the human body. Many of these have child-appropriate images of the human body that could also be helpful for some families. These go in and out of print too fast to list any by name. You would have to check a local bookstore to find one you feel is right for your family.

When using any of these books, go through them first with your child, asking them if they have any questions as you do. After you have read it with your child, put the book with the other children’s books in your house. Tell your children they can read them any time they like.

Children need more than one reading of a book to fully grasp new ideas. Keeping these books with all the others portrays the idea that God made our bodies and our bodies are good, not something shameful that has to be locked away.

Teach Words

Bodies are not the only aspect of sexuality kids are curious about. Your child will hear a wide array of sexual terms and slang phrases that they will want to understand. There are some you may want to teach them rather than wait for them to be exposed to by someone else when you are not around.

Which words you choose to teach are up to you. One pastor I spoke with said when he was only eight his father taught him the meaning of every sexual slang word, including curse words, that his dad could think of. The dad wanted his son (who eventually became a pastor) to have that discussion together, not with other kids on a playground somewhere. 

This pastor told me he was very grateful to his father for doing this. He was grateful that he could learn those words and what they really meant in a non-sexualized context. He said it was helpful to hear them in a discussion that also included how we should honor God and each other, rather than hearing them embedded in a sexual joke. The pastor said it helped him avoid inappropriate sexual talk as well as pornography as a child because he understood the greater context of sexuality and how these words did not reflect or honor God.

I am not suggesting you do the same as this pastor’s father. You know your child better than anyone and know what words they may need to learn from you first. The point of this story is to show that learning what words mean, even “bad” words, can be a protective measure if done correctly by a parent.

2. Responding to Questions

It is good to get out ahead of a child’s questions as outlined above, but there is no way to anticipate all the questions about sex a child will have. The hope is a child will to bring these questions to us, not Google or the older kids down the street.

Ask Me Anything

When we read a book about sexuality or have a conversation about sex, you can end with, “If you every have any question about sex at all, I want you to ask me. Any question at all. You will never be in trouble for asking questions.”

Some kids are innately shy and have a hard time asking questions like this out loud. If your child is like this, create a blank parent-child journal for you and your child. Ask your child to write his or her questions about sex (or anything else that is personal) and leave the journal somewhere for you to respond to later.

That is the easy part. The hard part is responding well when children ask difficult questions about sex. It is not uncommon for children to ask questions we never expected. Here are some examples of real questions kids have asked in Christian homes.

• 6-year-old child, “What is oral sex?”
• 9-year-old child, “What is 69?”
• 9-year-old child, “What is masturbation?”
• teenager, “What is sodomy?”

I will be the first to admit it is difficult to remain calm when children this young ask those kinds of questions. However, keeping calm is very important. How we react will determine if our child comes to us with future questions.

I was the 9-year-old child who asked my mother what masturbation was. Unfortunately, my mother did not react well. She became very agitated and refused to look at me. I don’t recall what she said, I only remember how upset my question made her. I never asked either of my parents another question about sex and went to older teenagers I knew instead. The education I got was very inappropriate and damaging. 

Practice First

Perhaps we need to practice answering this kind of question with our spouse or another adult. We need to be ready to smile and say, “I’m so glad you asked me,” when our kids ask us difficult questions about sex. We want to reward them for coming to us instead of someone else. 

3. Drawing Questions Out

Even when we do everything right our children do not always think to ask a parent the questions they have that are rolling around in their heads. Parents should draw their children’s questions out on a fairly regular basis. 

Every once in a while, more often as our children get older, have planned conversations about sex. Here are some tips to making those more effective.

Create a Judgement Free Zone

The term, “Judgement Free Zone” actually came from teenagers when Be Broken surveyed a group of Christian teens. The survey was to discover what parents can do to make talking about sex feel safer at home. Teens told Be Broken that they want a “Judgement-Free Zone” to have those conversations in. 

So, parents can start a conversation about sex by saying, “We are going to have a judgement free zone. During this time I will not judge or punish you for anything you say or ask.” This gives our kids a sense of safety. 

Ask About Others First

Even in a Judgment-Free environment kids may feel unsure how parents will react to difficult questions about sex. One way to help is to show them how you will react. Give kids a way to see how you will react to information about sex.

Start by asking what they are seeing and hearing other kids say and do. This is safer because you are not asking about them. Then let your kids watch you react to what they say about their friends before they have to ask their own questions.

You could ask:

• “What have you heard other kids talk about related to sex?”
• “What do you see other kids doing related to sexuality?”
• “What do you think about that?”

If we can remain calm and thank them for sharing, this will prove to them that we are safe people to ask difficult questions about sex. Then we can ask, “What questions do you have about sex, or any of the things you see other people doing?”

Notice Curiosity

We also have to watch our kids for signs of curiosity. This could be a child staring at an advertisement of scantily clad people, a look of confusion when they see something slightly sexual on a show or movie, or even while at the beach.

When we see our child looking confused or curious when confronted with anything that could be considered even slightly sexualized, we should ask them about it.

We might ask:

• “You look confused/curious. What are you feeling?”
• “Does what you are seeing bring up any questions?”
• “Do you want to talk about what you are seeing?”
• “What do you think about what you are seeing?”

I know I often had the tendency to want to hurry past rather than press into any questions my children had in those instances. I have found it rewarding, however, when I dared to pause and ask my children what questions they have.

Overall, simply keep in mind that your children will have curiosity about sex at all ages. View them as continually curious. God made them this way, so there is no need to worry about their curiosity. Instead, be there to help them work through their curiosity in a safe, God-honoring way.

I am a fellow sojourner on this path of healing from sexual betrayal, and I am one of the Wives Care Group leaders. I am going to share one of the most helpful tools I found on the road to healing: A Therapeutic Separation. There were many gifts that our Therapeutic Separation gave both my husband and I, but I will highlight four from the perspective of the betrayed.

1. The gift of fully surrendering my husband to God.

Seven years after the life I thought I had was shattered in an instant by my husband’s confession of sex addiction, I was suddenly staring at blatant evidence of his current acting out (yet again), and I had the personal strength and conviction to tell him to leave our home. By that point in my own recovery journey, I knew how to ride the wave of crisis and to focus on the present moment. I just needed space to get clarity away from my husband’s desperate pleas.

By the next morning, I knew that God was asking me to draw a line in the sand for the sanctity of our marriage. My wise ISA sponsor affirmed my need to try something that we hadn’t tried before; “something different”, and I knew that that was a physical separation: the very thing I did not ever want.

I sent my husband an email saying that I was withdrawing the privileges of a relationship with me (other than to communicate, by email, the logistics of co-parenting our 5 children, ages 7-16), and that it would be at least 6 months before I would reassess this. I also informed him that I had taken the entire balance in our savings account and had moved it to a new savings account in my name only. He responded by telling me I was making the right decision, because things were worse than I knew. I had tried in so many ways to help him. I needed to let him face the consequences of his continued behavior, and to fully surrender him to God.

2. Physical space to prioritize caring for my own broken heart and body.

I didn’t know the term “betrayal trauma” in 2010, but I experienced all the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual symptoms. My body was frozen in terror, trying to reconcile the love of my life that I knew with the actions and thinking patterns that my husband confessed. I had a hard time sleeping next to him, and an even harder time crying around him. Somehow it always turned into me comforting him because I triggered his shame. I had 5 little kids who I needed to care for, so I sucked up all the pain, and kept putting one foot in front of the other. My grief was frozen.

I developed depression and eventually an autoimmune disease. As I kept working on my own recovery, I learned more about “putting my oxygen mask on first '' and the importance of self-care. Asking my husband to move out of our home allowed me to have our bedroom space as my very own. I could cry, and pray myself to sleep without worrying about him. I could put on music in the middle of the night when I was awakened with grief and not disturb anyone. I had a door I could lock during the day to seek quiet in the middle of a busy house full of kids if I was triggered or sad or needed a nap. I had physical space to prioritize my needs.

3. The opportunity to demonstrate to myself that I will be ok without my husband.

This gift relates to #1 and #2 above but from a slightly different angle. No one gets married wanting a divorce. My husband and I met our first year out of high school at a Bible school and every aspect of my life presumed we would grow old together.

• We chose together for me to stop working as a nurse after our second baby was born.
• We decided together that I would start homeschooling the year my oldest was supposed to head off to Kindergarten.
• We chose together to have 5 babies in 8 years.

And then suddenly my reality was that I had been out of the workforce over 15 years, my nursing license was no longer transferable to our current location, and I was finally accepting that my marriage might not survive this addiction. But I had such a strong sense that I would be OK.

I was no longer naïve or shocked by my husband's behavior. I had already survived things I could never have imagined. I had more tools and more support than on my original D-day, and I’d seen so many women I admired courageously endure divorce and they were thriving and healing, even without their marriages. I knew it would be hard, but that my ultimate relationship was with Jesus. I’m sure it also helped that my kids were older.

If my husband couldn’t or wouldn’t do everything needed to give our marriage a new start, I was going to be OK as a single mom. I knew that divorce would bring me grief, but grief was the reality no matter if my marriage survived or ended, and I was no longer afraid of the pain. I began the hard emotional and spiritual labor of becoming a fully functioning adult.

4. A written agreement outlining the goals and details of the separation.

Practically speaking, a therapeutic separation is a well thought out agreement. After a few months of no contact, my husband sent me a worksheet for creating a Therapeutic Separation Agreement and asked me to consider creating an intentional plan.

Eventually we met with a therapist to read our individual answers and agree to the plan needed to prevent me from filing for divorce, as well as what changes I needed to see in order to take down my no contact wall and take slow and steady steps towards a new relationship with my husband. His answers demonstrated that he knew he had a long way to go, that he was taking personal responsibility for the damage he had caused our relationship, and that he was prioritizing our kids' stability regardless of whether we were separated, together, or divorced. I used it as an opportunity to raise my bar higher, and follow the newer betrayal trauma model of healing that APSATS and other attachment-focused professionals use to help couples heal from betrayal.

I knew that I had already lost the marriage I wanted, and that there was no quick path out of pain. I knew I could take my time, and watch and wait from a safe distance to see if reconciliation was even possible.

If you are not safe in your marriage, if your body is tired and broken trying to navigate forgiveness and love with an addict who isn’t in recovery, if you are ready to raise your bar and stand for what you believe your marriage vows meant: I encourage you to explore the option of a Therapeutic Separation.

And for any struggling addicts reading this: if you are ready to focus on your own healing and stop trying to keep your marriage at all costs (by lying), I encourage you to “put your oxygen mask on first” and go get well. Trust God to take care of your wife.

*To learn more about what exactly a Therapeutic Separation is, I highly recommend this blog by Vicki Tidewell Palmer and the book Taking Space by Robert J. Bucchicchio

Let’s be honest, there are certain questions we hope our children won’t ask. We are not bad parents for feeling this way. We don’t want to give our children unwise or uninformed answers. Part of our fear of answering difficult questions comes from a place of wanting to give good responses, but not always knowing what those are.

When a child asks a question about transgenderism, however, they do need a response. This means we need to be ready to reply. The good news is, a good response to questions about transgenderism does not need to be complicated.

The word “transgender” encompasses a sea of ideas, questions, thoughts, and situations, which is why it feels so confusing to us. The concept of gender is changing so rapidly in our culture that it feels impossible to keep up. It probably is, but that is okay.

A simple answer to questions about transgenderism does not exist. However, a simple answer is not what our children need. Our children need to learn to process complicated questions like, “What is transgenderism?” That is something we can teach.

Questions about transgenderism can come in many forms. Kids hear people all around them talking about gender in ways they don’t really understand. It leads to questions like the following:

• “Mommy, what does transgender mean?”
• Girl asking, “My friend Sally says she is a boy now. Will I turn into a boy someday?”
• “How do you know if you’re really a boy or girl?”
• Boy asking, “What does it mean that I don’t like sports like other boys?”

You don’t have to understand all the issues to help children process these questions.

Stay Calm

The first step when a child asks a question about gender it to invite them into your calm. Joining a child in their chaotic feelings will make them feel unsafe. When a child asks a question about gender—or any difficult question for that matter—slow down, take a deep breath, and relax your body. Move to a state of calm before you even try to respond.

If you feel fear, anger, or frustration rising up within you, deal with that first. Those are reactions that will not help your child. Relax before you talk.

If you are worried that you will not be able to react calmly to this kind of question, then start now practicing the discussions outlined below with other adults. Repeat these conversations until you can respond to the questions listed above and still feel calm.

Your First Actions

Before saying anything you should do something with your body that signals to your child that it was good that they asked you this question. Move closer to them. Face them. Kneel down if your child is still young and small, to get on their level. 

Pause and let them see your face before you talk. Smile at them before you speak. Maybe even hug them.

Your body says more than your words, so use your body well.

Your First Words

The first words out of a parent’s mouth in response to this kind of question is very important. Our first words are more important than all the rest that follow. Our first words tell our child whether we are safe people to bring difficult questions to. 

Here are  some examples of really good first words to say:

• “I’m glad you came to me with that question.”
• “Thank you for wanting to talk with me about this.”
• “I feel happy when you bring difficult questions to me instead of other people."

Discovery Questions

Next we ask questions to better understand why our child is coming to us. It is very normal for us to worry when our child asks a question about something like transgenderism. We worry what influences have already affected them and we worry that our child may be struggling with gender themselves. It is normal for a parent to have these concerns.

Part of us may want to launch into a long lecture in hopes we can cover up the things we are worried about. Kids are not fans of lectures, however. It is unlikely that we would know what to say anyway without learning more from our children first. Questions are much more helpful.

We need to learn where our child’s question is coming from before we know how to respond. We also want to know what thoughts our child has been considering before they came to us. Here are some discovery questions you might ask:

• “Where did you see or hear that?”
• “What do you think transgender means? “
• “What do you think a girl becoming a boy means (or the other way around)?”
• "Do you think a girl can really become a boy (or the other way around)?”

We want to ask gently rather than make our child feel interrogated. We might even add that we are asking because want to be sure we really understand their question. Children want to be understood and this will make them feel cared for.

Critical Thinking Questions

After asking discovery questions parents may be tempted to launch into a teaching moment. That isn’t necessarily inappropriate, but there is another way. We can use questions to direct their thinking to the underlying concept of gender. 

Here are some critical thinking questions for younger kids:

• “Where did the idea of boys and girls come from in the first place? Who creates boys and girls to start with?”
• “Why do you think God made boys and girls the way he did?”
• "Do you think God loves either boys or girls more than the other?”
• “What do you think a boy or girl who wanted to be a different gender needs most from you and me?”
• “What are some other questions or thoughts you have about this?”

Here are some critical thinking questions for older kids:

• “Do you think it is common for people to not like something about their body?” (Share examples of times you didn’t like certain aspects of your body).
• “Can you think of something that might happen to a boy or girl that could make them not want to be a boy or girl?”
• “Can a man change into a woman and give birth to a baby?”
• "Can a woman change into a man and impregnate a woman?”
• “What do you think a man or a woman who wants to change gender needs the most?”
• “What are some other questions or thoughts you have about this?”

Summing Up

We want to ask lots of questions before we make statements of our own. We want to engage our child’s mind and heart first. Even when we do share our thoughts, it is best to be short and concise rather than give a long lecture.

Here are some thoughts we might sum up with. These may be repeating things our child said when we asked them questions like the above, but repetition can be good.

• “God is the one who designs our bodies. He invented the idea of male and female, and called his invention good.”
• “God did not create sin, but this world is full of sin and hurt.”
• “Some of us get really hurt and confused and don’t like who we are.”
• “Every one of us have things we don’t like about our life, including our body at times.”
• “God loves all of us, even when we are hurt and confused.”
• “God can bring healing to our hurts and confusion, but that may take a long time.”
• “Jesus taught us to be kind and love those who are hurting and confused.”

Affirm Your Child’s Gender

An issue American kids face is that our culture has very narrow definitions of what it means to be male or female, masculine or feminine, compared to most of the world, and compared to the Bible.

​In the Bible men hugged, kissed, danced, and played musical instruments. Women in the Bible risked their lives to save others, led armies, killed evil men, ran businesses, and built cities. It is not uncommon for the boys and girls in our culture who live most like men and women in the Bible are the ones who our culture would suggest don’t act like their gender.

All children need to be affirmed in their gender. All children sometimes feel insecure in their gender. We should regularly affirm the way God made them to live our their masculinity or femininity.

Here are some things you could do:

• Say, “If all the girls/boys in the world your age were lined up for me to choose from, I would still pick you to be my daughter/son.”
• Tell them the things you appreciate about them.
• Affirm their interests, especially if they do not align with American ideals of masculinity or femininity.
• Ask them “What is good about being a girl?” or “What is good about being a boy?”
• Simply say from time to time, “I am so glad you are my daughter/son.”
• Spend time with them doing what they want to do, even if you do not enjoy it.

When My Kid is Confused

This blog does not address children who are confused about their own gender. That is a much longer topic to deal with. However, we want to point any parent in that situation to some sources of help. Here are two resources you might consider:
https://hopegroup.portlandfellowship.com
https://www.focusonthefamily.com/get%20help/

Ongoing Conversations

Children do not have questions about gender just once. Like all of us, children circle back to questions over and over and need to process their questions repeatedly. We can help them.

Perhaps bring the conversation up yourself sometime. We could ask, “What are you hearing about gender these days,” followed up by, “What do you think about that?” This keeps the conversation going.

Again, our kids do not need a lecture, they just need help processing their questions and feelings. We can do this best by asking each other questions and having open and honest discussions.

We should also keep affirming our children’s gender the entire time they are in our care. A single affirmation is never enough, especially in the world we live in.

You will mess up these conversations from time to time. No parent is perfect. Your kid does not expect perfection and will forgive you when you apologize. Let’s simply work together to keep these conversations going.

Recommended Resource

Sex & Anxiety: Teen Edition   A series of very short videos for adolescents and parents to go through together. This series helps families address the kinds of things that commonly cause anxiety around sexuality for adolescents.