There is a process to recovering fully from sexually addictive patterns. It is simple: Heal --> Grow --> Share. In a previous post I wrote about what healing looks like in this process. In this post I want us to explore the next stage: Growing. This stage focuses on three primary areas of growth: emotional, spiritual, and relational.

Emotional Growth

No one struggling with sexually addictive patterns is emotionally healthy. You might want to pause and reflect on that statement for a moment. You might even want to argue with it. But in my many years of hearing thousands of life stories of sexually addicted men and women, I have yet to meet one who exhibited emotional health or maturity in conjunction with their addictive lifestyle. Emotional maturity and addiction just don't go together.

Therefore, it is essential that emotional health be a high priority when seeking to grow into a man or woman of sexual integrity. This means "growing up" and leaving childish ways behind.

1 Corinthians 13:11
When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man (adult), I gave up childish ways.

Most sexually addicted individuals act like children emotionally. This is largely due to the fact that lust teaches a person to be self-centered, controlling, ill-tempered, angry, and deceptive. Just like a 2-year-old. But in order to be a mature man or woman of integrity, childish ways must be given up.

Often, counseling can be very helpful in understanding and overcoming childishness. Also, getting into a group of mature people can help sharpen these emotional skills.

Spiritual Growth

The bible promises that if we walk by the Spirit of God we will not gratify the lusts of the flesh (Gal. 5:16). But how do we "walk by the Spirit?" By deepening our intimate relationship with God through Jesus. We must grow in our dependence upon God. 

Most of us know the things to "do" when it comes to "spiritual growth," but few engage these activities in the way God had in mind. We know to pray, read our bibles, feed the hungry, care for orphans and widows, and serve the poor. But too often we engage in these disciplines with a "box-checking" mentality, not with a heart eager to know God.

Spiritual growth never occurs through activity alone. God is a Person, to be related to intimately, not as something we do, but rather as Someone we know. 

John 14:3-7
"And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.” Thomas said to him, “Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?” Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you had known me, you would have known my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him.”

Spiritual growth is about knowing the Way, not as a religious ritualistic journey, but as one knows a Person. Jesus is THE WAY! On this journey of growth as a man or woman of integrity, you must know Him. May this change how you engage prayer, bible study, and fellowship with others. These are not means to an end, they are ever-present points of contact with the living Jesus.

Relational Growth

Every sexually addicted person has damaged relationships. Lust and love are not synonyms. Therefore, in order to move forward to a life of integrity, you must grow healthy relationships. You must learn to relate well with others.

1 Peter 4:8
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

Healthy relationships require stuff that doesn't exist in addiction. Stuff like sacrifice, forgiveness, sharing, communication, honesty, faithfulness, patience, and lots and lots of love. These are not characteristics that tend to come naturally, especially if you have had lots of practice being a self-centered addict. But there is good news! These are skills. Therefore, they can be learned.

The best context to grow relationally is -- in relationships! Duh. So, talk to your spouse. Spend time with your kids. Share your story with someone. Connect, connect, connect. Don't worry about "messing it up." There is no such thing as a "perfect" relationship. But you can have healthy ones, if you will work on growing in the area of relating well with others.

Growing is essential in becoming a strong man or woman of integrity. There are no shortcuts on this journey. But from a solid foundation of healing, you can grow into the person you always wanted to be. And from there, well, some pretty amazing things can happen...

Get More Help: 

Resources for Men
Resources for Women

Safety for children in our digital world is a concern many parents ask for help with. To be clear, the digital world includes things like smart TVs, video games, tablets, and phones. All of these devices can access the Internet, which opens a Pandora’s box of harmful content to children. However, learning how to use these devices safely is a skill kids need before they turn 18.

The average age a child is first exposed to pornography is 9.66 for girls and 9.95 for boys. (Bentley, Lacy - 2016 - Gender & Childhood Pornography Exposure, Addiction/Brain Science) That means half of all children are being exposed to pornography before they are even ten. However, kids are usually exposed to pornography by accident, not on purpose. Studies show that 62% or more of children are first exposed to pornography while doing homework or some other accidental reason. (British Board of Film Classification, August 2019) Here are a couple of recent quotes to demonstrate this:

“Families say their kids were supposed to be using district-issued computers for schoolwork, but instead, kids were looking at pornography.”
(Josh Rosenthal, Nov 24, 2020 - Fox 5 News, Washington DC,  https://www.fox5dc.com/news/montgomery-county-students-exposed-to-porn-on-school-is-laptops)

“One minute a child could be looking at their favorite toy [online] and the next thing you know there’s porn on the screen.”
(Niki Whitaker, executive director at the Baldwin County Child Advocacy Center, Jan 26, 2021 - https://www.wkrg.com/health/coronavirus/news-5-investigates-online-risks-children-face-with-more-screen-time-during-pandemic/)

Parents are usually not aware when their children are exposed to porn. One study interviewed over 2,000 children and their parents in 2019 and the following was discovered. (British Board of Film Classification, Ibid)
​

• Only 25% of parents believed their children had seen porn but 53% of these parent’s children reported that they had seen porn.
• 60% of parents said they had discussed pornography with their children but almost none of the children said their parents had talked to them about the dangers of pornography.
• Fathers are more likely than mothers to think their children had seen pornography. 34% of fathers thought their children had probably seen pornography but only 19% of mothers believed that might be true.

Things to Consider

It is unfair to expect a child to manage digital technology in a safe manner without significant help from parents. A child will not know what to do to avoid exposure to porn or what to do if they are exposed to porn without being taught. 

Children have a harder time resisting porn than adults. A child’s sex drive grows to adult levels within two years after puberty but the part of their brain that helps them control their sex drive will not mature until their mid twenties. Expecting a child to resist pornography while at the same time having unrestricted access to smart TVs, video games, tablets, and smartphones is asking more than children are capable of. 

Here are a few suggestions to help kids have a safer experience.

Screen Time

Less screen time is better for all of us, children in particular. Here are some guidelines from the Mayo Clinic. (Mayo Clinic, Health & Lifestyle, Children’s Health, Screen Time and Children: How to Guide Your Child. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/childrens-health/in-depth/screen-time/art-20047952)

• Age 18 months and under: media use is discouraged, except for video chatting
• Ages 18-24 months: if screens are allowed, no solo watching and only high quality content
• Ages 2-5: limit screen time to one hour per day
• Ages 6+: no more than two hours using any kind of screen per day, except while doing school work

I know this is hard. Most kids spend way more than two hours a day on screens, and thinking about reducing that time feels daunting. You probably know what it is like to have a kid melt down when you ask them to stop playing a video game or using a tablet. But an angry reaction to being asked to rejoin the real world should be a warning sign that kids are getting too dependent on the artificial, digital world. 

Kids view the digital world as the real world. That is where many kids interact with their friends. It takes more work on your part, but helping your kids meet and spend time face-to-face with other kids is much better for their mental health. Limiting screen time is about much more than avoiding pornography.

When to Give a Child a Device

I’ve talked with a lot of professionals and my personal recommendation to parents is not to give a child their own Internet device until they are at least 14. Before you think I’m too restrictive, consider that the men who created this digital world did the same with their kids. Bill Gates did not allow his children to have cell phones until they were 14 and he strictly limited screen time for them until they were 17.

Steve Jobs prohibited his kids from using an iPad at all before age 18, even though he helped create it. (Chris Weller, “Bill Gates & Steve Jobs Raised Their Kids Tech-Free”, Business Insider, Oct 24, 2017) These men know more than you or I ever will about the digital world and look at what they considered critical for their own kids! 

Alternatives to SmartPhones

That does not mean your kids cannot have a phone until 14, however. Today there are several companies that make devices that look like smartphones and smartwatches that have a camera, music, calculator, text service, and a phone, but absolutely no Internet access or ability to host apps. Some of these are better for younger kids and others have things like a map feature that young teens might want. 

Rather than take up space here, I will point interested parents to this very recent post that compares these devices to help you decide what might be the best fit for your younger kids.

https://www.betterscreentime.com/which-kid-safe-smartphone-is-right-for-your-family/

When it is Time for a SmartPhone

While you want to delay giving a child a smartphone it is best that your child learn how to manage a real smartphone before they leave home. You will have to decide when to allow them to have one as each child is different, but somewhere between the ages of 14 and 18 they need to learn how to use a smartphone safely.

This means locking the phone down at first so your kid cannot add apps on their own. Use something like the Bark app (bark.us) to see how well your child handles being online before allowing them to choose an app. When they are able to go a couple of months without misusing the Internet, allow them to select one app to start with. 

When it is time to let them have one app, visit https://protectyoungeyes.com so that you are aware of the potential dangers of the app your child wants. This organization specializes in monitoring what all apps that children might use do and where the pitfalls are.

Other Ways Kids Access the Internet

Children access the Internet through other devices as well. In addition to computers, any smart TV and most video game consoles will allow the user to surf the web. It is smart to have monitoring software, such as Bark or CovenantEyes, on devices that allow them, but no software can monitor all these kinds of devices. If you want to monitor all Internet activity happening in your home you need something that operates from the home router. 

I won’t take time here to explain how that works, but one solution is RouterLimits, which is a device you plug into your home router that monitors all Internet activity using your home WIFI network. That would include visitors to your home who you let use your WIFI. 

Router Limits can also be used to restrict what times people can access the Internet. This means you could shut the Internet down in your home at night, in case kids try to use the Internet behind your back. 

To learn more, visit: https://routerlimits.com

Home Rules

Prevention Science has clearly demonstrated that the three most important things to protect your child from getting involved with pornography (or any other harmful behavior for that matter) are parent-child bonding, healthy beliefs, and clear standards. In addition to bonding with your children and sharing your beliefs, you need to set very clear standards around Internet use in your home.

Here are a few family rules you might consider:

• All devices belong to parents, not the children. Internet capable devices are powerful and can be used for great good, but also are capable of causing great harm. For this reason parents are the custodian of them until the child is 18. Children can use them as long as they are using them for good purposes.
• No digital devices in bedrooms or bathrooms or behind closed doors. Family is a place to be transparent and without secrets, so no one hides what they do on digital devices. Bathrooms and bedrooms are places where temptation to look at things like pornography is simply too high, so for protection we do not use devices in those places. This does include no TV in a child’s bedroom.
• No digital devices after bedtime. If nothing else, access to devices at night prevents us from sleeping. For example, staying up late texting friends hurts sleep. I suggest leaving all digital devices in the family room or other public place at night. 
• Digital device use is not private. For one thing, your kids need to know that everything they do online is tracked by multiple organizations. There is actually no such thing as online privacy, no matter what computer and phone companies say. In addition, family is not a place to have secrets. Monitoring what members of your family do online is not a breach of privacy, it is keeping everyone safe and helping each other get back on track if anyone strays.

It is very important to note that any rules for children should apply to parents. If your kids don’t take their phones to bed, neither do you. If your child’s Internet history is monitored, so are the Internet histories of parents. I know this creates inconvenience, but there are two very big benefits of doing this:

1. Your child will be much more willing to comply if they see you have to comply as well. Digital safety becomes a family value, not just rules that parents ignore but kids have to obey. 
2. Parents need help too. If you know your kids can see your Internet history you are much more likely to make better choices online than if your Internet use was secret. 

Challenge

This is a lot to think about! I would imagine that some of the ideas I am suggesting seem too hard or would require making a lot of adjustments for you, personally. So, rather than suggest you do all of these things, I have a simpler challenge for you.

Look through the Things to Consider again, and find one thing you would be willing to try. Just one. Even taking one of these steps will increase digital safety for your children. In fact, if your children can read well, have them join you in selecting one to start with!

This is not too hard, especially if you start with just one change. You can do this. Your children are in the right home, and you are the right parent to help them experience safety in the digital world.

More Family Care Resources

Dear hurting wife, I see you.

I see you because I know you.

I see you because I am you. 

I see you your despair behind your cleverly crafted social media posts.

I see your questions because I, too, have questioned.

I see your fears for I, too, have nearly been consumed by my own.

I see your loneliness while standing in the midst of the crowd.

I see your tears when you are alone because you don’t want the kids to see. For if they see then they may also know your pain. You would never wish this on them. Not in a million years.

I see you sitting on your sofa staring out the window longing for life to flutter by and for hope to rise on the horizon.

I see you grasping for anything that is true.

I see you longing for something or someone you can trust.

I see you longing for someone to understand.

I see you wishing someone would validate your anger, because behind that anger is so much pain and sadness that desires connection.

Dear hurting wife, I see you.

I wish I could fix it for you but I can’t. I don’t have solutions. 

But I can offer you hope. Even if only a glimmer of hope to keep those  last few embers alive.

Dear hurting wife, this page in your story is a comma not a period.

Winston Churchill is quoted to have said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

Dear hurting wife, keep going. 

Gently wipe that last tear to make room for the next one. It’s okay to cry.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other – even if the steps are small.

Please remember that two steps forward and one step back still leaves you one step forward. 

Just like winter miraculously turns to spring through the ache of death and buried seedlings push through barren soil reaching fierce for light, your pain will bear sweet fruit. 

Those scars on your heart? They will become the most beautiful flowers in your garden.

Dear hurting wife, I see you. 

More importantly, so does your Father. 

Keep going.

Redemption awaits.

Redemption may not bear the image your heart longs for, but redemption will come one way or another. 

Keep going.

You are not alone.


“He is before all things, in Him all things hold together.” Colossians 1:17 NIV

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18 NIV

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 NIV

For further reading, you may find great comfort in Isaiah 54.

Triggers. Triggers are mysterious. They can be sight, smell, taste, a spoken word, a way you are touched. So in essence, all five senses are affected by triggers. If we have had any form of trauma, abuse, neglect, loss, we continuously attach those moments from the past to other things as time moves on.

For instance, if we were in a serious accident we might hear a screeching tire and freak out. If we lost a child, anytime we see a child their age we can be triggered and feel the loss as if it had just taken place. It usually leads to episodes of anxiety, isolation and for an addict, acting out in their addiction to escape the pain.

Think for a moment about the nation of Israel. They grew prosperous under Joseph in Egypt. (Genesis 41:41) But then after a few hundred years of flourishing and working as shepherds and farmers in Egypt, a pharaoh arose who knew nothing of the legacy of Joseph, the famine, how God rescued them, (Exodus 1:8) and he decided that because Israel was growing too big for his own comfort, they would subdue Israel and make them slaves.

As the story goes God heard their cries for freedom and sent Moses to deliver them. After 10 plagues and Pharaoh losing his firstborn son the Israelites were allowed to leave. God promised to bring them to a land flowing with “milk and honey” and a place they could forever call home. It came with a catch though. They had to go in and subdue the godless nations there before they could claim it. Beat down slaves had to go to war? Seriously?

The First nation they were to face was Jericho. A huge walled city that towered over the land. After a couple months of hanging out in the wilderness, providing for their every need, Moses sent 12 spies into the Promised Land for reconnaissance. Two of the ten, Joshua and Caleb said, "No problemo. We can take these cats with the Lord on our side." (Reese Revised Version) However, the other 10 said "No way, Jose! They are huge! We look like grasshoppers in their sight!"

They were triggered.

These 10 were also in Egypt treated as slaves with whips and forced to build the huge buildings that made up that towering metropolis. In fact, all they saw when looking at Jericho was a city that reminded them of Egypt. They most likely began to relive the pain of the whips, their feet in the clay making bricks and the harsh treatment from Egyptians taskmasters and fear gripped their soul.

And what if they lost the battle? Who knows what Jericho might do to the survivors. Beating? Raping? Other forms of torture?  "No way am I going back to that again!" (Funny how later on in the wilderness they complained about their conditions so much they thought going back to Egypt was the lesser of two evils).

That one negative report caused God to say, “Ok you don’t think I can handle these guys after how I set you free from Egypt? Do you not remember that whole parting of the Red Sea where you stepped onto dry ground and crossed over into the land I was giving you and then I completely plundered the entire Egyptian army under water? Then you will stay in the wilderness and the generation to come will go in and take the land." And so it was.

The Israelites stayed in the wilderness for 40 years and the former generation died off except two - Joshua and Caleb.  At around 80 years of age or so, they entered the land with the others of the younger generation - now middle aged - fought the battle and defeated Jericho. (Joshua 6) It could’ve happened 40 years earlier but everyone was afraid. Because they were triggered, those 10 spies sewed an incredible amount of fear among the whole nation of Israel - numbering most likely in the millions.

Triggers can prolong our journey to true freedom. Sometimes for decades. If we allow them to loom large over our life, like a walled city, we will never enter into all God has for us to experience. There’s a saying, “It’s always today in Traumaland.” But you can move through to tomorrow by holding fast to a loving Father who will not only carry you through the pain, the fire and the flood (Isaiah 43), He will fight the battle for you. (2 Chronicles 20:15-17).

Recovery from sexual (or any) addiction is difficult. (How's that for an understatement?) It's a messy process that requires fundamental changes to a person's life that previously had been left unchecked and unaccountable. Now there must be openness and honesty and community and self-examination and my goodness I'm getting exhausted just writing about it! But what I often see work its way to the top of the list of frustration in recovering sex addicts is that how to recover becomes more important than what needs recovering. Let me illustrate.

A Conversation with a Guy

A guy comes into my office (let's call him Guy). He has developed a deep sexual addiction over the past 20+ years. He was recently caught in an affair and began going to counseling and plugging into a weekly support group. It has been six weeks since he was caught, and now he sits in front of me to tell me his story and see what I have to say to him. This might be how a portion of that conversation would go.

"So, Jonathan, my wife wants to separate, my employer is weighing legal options since the affair was with a co-worker, and I'm hoping none of this leaks out to anyone in our church; my reputation would be shattered. How can fix all this?"

"What do you think needs fixing?" I ask.

"Are you serious? Have you been listening? My wife wants to leave, my job is on the line, and if this affair and the history behind it get leaked to my church, we could lose all our friends. What do you mean 'what' needs fixing?"

"Well, you have been married for 15 years, right?"

"Yes."

"You have been at this company for 10 years, even getting high praise and promotions along the way?"

"Right."

"You are a prominent member and supporter in your church and have a reputation as a selfless person."

"Okay."

"So, I'll ask again, what needs fixing? It appears like you have it all together."

"Maybe for now, but it's on the verge of collapsing."

"And if you can keep your job, stay married, and be the 'good guy' at church, everything will be fine? There wouldn't be any need for significant, fundamental changes in your life as a man? Are you serious?"

"I guess I see your point, but how do I change?"

"Guy, you need to first focus on what needs to change before you can even consider how to change it. Let's start peeling that onion back and see just how deep the pain, secrecy and selfishness that led to secret sin goes. Then we can talk strategies for change. Are you willing to start this journey of discovery?"

"I hope so."

Focus on WHAT First

This is just one small example in thousands where well-meaning people who desire change get the cart before the horse. You cannot effectively map out strategies for recovery ("how") until you have thoroughly identified the brokenness ("what"). But even after you uncover all that needs healing in your life, you must continue to remain focused on what God wants you to do about it rather than how to do it. In fact, God emphasizes what over how a lot!

Here are just a few examples of "what emphasis" in the Bible:

You shall not commit adultery. (Ex 20:14)

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. (Eph 5:3)

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. (John 13:34)

So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. (Gal 5:16)

And there are many others; pray for each other (James 5:16), carry each other's burdens (Gal 6:2), walk in the light (1 John 1:5), this is love for God: to keep his commands (1 John 5:3), My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you (John 15:12). These are the "what's" of recovery and faith. But God is generally pretty silent on the how's. Why is that?

HOW Can Be a Distraction from Connection

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to drift from emotionally and spiritually connecting with someone when the relationship becomes more about "how" than "what?" It's like the "system" of relationship supersedes the importance of authentic presence, interaction and, well, relating. Life becomes an endless list of boxes to check off, ensuring to everyone watching that how you live is the model of perfection (and you usually don't mind the accolades that follow). In essence, you become a lifeless, empty image-builder; shining and spectacular on the outside, but void of any real substance or beauty on the inside.

As Jesus bluntly put it, "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness." (Matt 23:27-28)

Please don't misunderstand me to say that how we live is unimportant or that God doesn't value how's (for instance, how we are saved is through faith alone in Christ alone; there is no other way, or "how," to be reconciled to God). But the greater value must be placed on what needs healing and what we are called by God to be.

You can never engage a healthy "how" until you have plunged to the deepest depths of humility and honesty before yourself and God. Then, out of the brokenness of the real you, a new life emerges, ready and able to follow wherever (and however) the Lord leads.

So, what needs healing in your life & what is God telling you to do about it?

3 Questions for Diagnosing WHAT Needs to Change

Jesus boiled down what the focus of our lives is to be as his followers: love God and love your neighbor. (Matt. 22:37-40, Mark 12:30-31, Luke 10:27) It's really pretty simple, even if it doesn't come naturally to any of us! In order to discover what needs to change in our lives, we need to analyze the degree to which our lives are aligning with Jesus' simple command.

Here are 3 key questions to help you discover what needs to change:

1. What sin are you returning to again and again?

Sin, in all its forms, pulls us directly away from loving God and loving our neighbor. It is a declaration that I want to choose how to live my life independent from God and His Word. Sin is rooted in pride, and pride is not an attribute of love.

When habitual sin takes hold of our lives, that's a major problem. That is a "what" that needs to be addressed in order to be redirected toward love. When you get clear on the specific sin(s) that needs correction, then you can start working on the "how" of correcting it. 

2. Who is truly Lord of your life?

There is only one God. He is Creator and Sustainer of life and the cosmos. But he made human beings in his image, with the ability to choose. We consistently choose against him and his ways. There is a battle that rages in the heart of every human: will I trust and obey God or will I trust and obey myself? In every moment of life, we are choosing someone to be Lord.

What do you believe gives you the greater probability of loving God and neighbor: surrendering to God as Lord or choosing to live by your own wisdom and will? (The answer is obvious, right? Even if we rarely choose the right answer...)

When you confess Christ is Lord, then with the help of His Spirit, you can start mapping out the steps that will lead to greater faithfulness. 

3. In what ways are you ignoring or harming your neighbor?

You were made for love and to love. God loves you and wants you to love others in the same way. But as we have shown above, pride and self-centeredness harden our hearts. Sometimes we don't even recognize how deeply we are hurting those around us because of our sin and pride.

Ask God (and some family and friends) to help you see the ways in which you are ignoring or harming others. Confess and repent. And begin looking for opportunities to love others in the same gracious way God has loved you. 

When you get clear on what needs you change, then you can start working on how to change. 

How do most parents first react when they discover that their child has engaged in pornography or other problematic sexual behavior? After the initial shock and possible feelings of fear or anger, parents typically think, “I’ve got to fix this!” The question I want to pose is, fix what, exactly? 

When a child repeatedly accesses pornography, the pornography itself is not the cause of the problem. When a child engages in some form of problematic sexual behavior, either alone or with others, the behavior itself is not the source of the problem. These are symptoms of an inner problem, not where the problem started.

An Opportunity for Connection

If you discover your child is doing something sexually inappropriate, I would challenge you to think of it as an opportunity to connect. I realize that will be difficult and requires you to step back to take a deep breath first. However, allow me explain the value in doing this.

Children do not engage with pornography or sexual behaviors for no reason. They do not do these things because they are “bad” either. Something has to happen first, before the child seeks these things out. Something has to happen that causes the child to feel a need they do not know how to meet otherwise.

A child may expect to be punished or ridiculed, but when you as a parent react with caring curiosity it flips a switch in the parent-child relationship. The child realizes more clearly in that moment, “Oh, you do care about the inner me! It really is true that your love isn’t dependent on my behavior!”

They Don’t Know Why

It is a natural reaction for a parent to ask a child, “Why did you do that?” when they are caught engaging in problematic sexual behavior. Natural or not, it is unfair to ask that question. I guarantee you that your child likely has no idea. Children will also ask themselves, “Why did I do that? How could I be so stupid?” They don’t know, which likely makes them more ashamed of themselves.

If you have asked your kid why they did that, it is okay, you have done no permanent damage. We all ask the wrong question of our kids from time to time. You can be ready for next time with a better response.

An Opportunity for Discovery

After assuring your child that you love them, you can help them discover why they did what they did. This may take more than one conversation, but that is okay. More conversations only means a stronger connection between you and your child in the end!

Boiling things down to the very basics there are essentially two reasons a child would engage with sexually stimulating behaviors: 

1. Trying to block out a painful thought or feeling.
2. Trying to make sense of something they have experienced.

Thoughts and Feelings

Examples of thoughts and feelings that cause a child to escape through sexuality include:

• I am not good enough
• I am not safe
• I am never free to say or do things I want to
• I can’t trust others to love me

I could list many more examples, but I think you get the picture. Thoughts, beliefs, and feelings can be too difficult for a child or even teenager to face alone. Without clear alternatives, children may turn to sexual stimulation. Dopamine does an excellent job of temporarily shutting these negative feelings down.

Sexually stimulating behaviors, which includes porn use, can temporarily make them feel better, good enough, safer, freer, and loved. Of course, all of this is artificial—they are not really suddenly good enough, safer, freer, or more loved—but it feels real enough to a kid. 

Experiences

Experiences that cause problems include early sexual experiences and abuse, but they can also include non-sexual experiences that felt very scary. Sexual stimulation can be an attempt to make sense of sexual situations in the past or they can be a way to block out painful memories of the past that are not sexual. 

Sometimes the past experience was accidental porn exposure that made them feel very excited and good inside. They may want to return to porn, or whatever stimulating event they had, to get that feeling again. It can be that simple.

Four Simple Steps to Healing

1. Ask your child questions to discover what thought or experience is behind their behavior. This may take a few conversations before you uncover where this all started. Knowing the source, no matter what it is, helps both you and your child understand the “why” behind their behavior. 
2. Explain that it is understandable why they would do what they did, knowing the reason behind their behavior. This helps your child feel normal and understood. This builds connection between the two of you. 
3. If you have examples of times you reacted poorly to feelings or past experiences, this is the time to share those. This deepens connection between you and your child even more.
4. Brainstorm with your child other things they could do to meet the need they were trying to use porn or sexual behavior to meet. If they wanted to feel excitement, help them brainstorm other ways to seek excitement that are less harmful. If they have a painful emotion, fear, or thought, help them talk through that and discover other ways to comfort themselves or seek comfort from others. If they have experienced some form of abuse you should seek help from a professional to know how to proceed. 

You and Your Child

Your child is not bad if they did one of these things, they are just acting immature. Your child is much less likely to associate their sexuality with shame when you treat their immature misuse of sexuality as an opportunity to learn. This is especially true if you share your own stories of immature behavior in the past. Working through the “why” gives a positive spin on conversations that could otherwise be very difficult and painful.

You did not manage your sexuality perfectly when you were younger and neither will your child. Your child “messing up” is an opportunity for you to help them do better in the future. You can help your child respond in more productive ways to things like the need for excitement, freedom, and to cope with feelings and past experiences. 

More Help

Get more help on this topic through our online parent-child course, A Family Game Plan for Tackling Porn Use

The three most important days of your life:

1. The day you were born.
2. The day you were born-again.
3. The day you discover why.

 
Jesus asked this most critical question of his disciples in Mark chapter 8, verses 27-29.

And Jesus went on with his disciples to the villages of Caesarea Philippi. And on the way he asked his disciples, “Who do people say that I am?” 28 And they told him, “John the Baptist; and others say, Elijah; and others, one of the prophets.”29 And he asked them, “But who do you say that I am?” Peter answered him, “You are the Christ.” (Emphasis added)
 
Who we believe Jesus the Christ to be is the most important answer in life. That answer determines the path toward healing and freedom and the discoverability of the purpose of our lives. No other question you will ever answer has the impact of this question.
 
My Story and My Answer
 
I was around the age of 12 when I stumbled upon a pornographic magazine in our home. That moment changed the course of my life forever. In a moment, how I viewed life, women, self, and others began a dangerous and twisted path that nearly led to me taking my own life at age 42.
 
Pornography became my drug and medication of choice for physical and primarily emotional pain. I experienced bullying in various forms as a child and adult from various sources. Many without intention, but certainly some people quite willingly inflicted emotional and physical wounds on my young self.
 
I married the most grace filled woman at age 24. Nearly 38 years later I’m married with the same stunning woman. We are parents to 3 adult daughters, a grandson and son-in-law that we don’t deserve, but thank God for daily!

But there was a time I feared I was going to lose them along with a hopeful future. That began when Julie (my wife) discovered a nearly two-year-long online relationship with another woman.
 
That was in late 2003 and it was during this time period thoughts of ending my life became a planned way out. But God in His mercy stopped me in my (car’s) tracks on a Friday evening.
 
But God

I’d realized I needed help when my depression was so severe I literally could not make myself eat. I was losing weight at frightening speed.
 
In March of 2004 I was part of a stage crew at a Christian event in our small town. I met new friends and began making changes I knew I needed to make.
 
The path was being paved for me to confront my belief about the person of Jesus. Following the event, a concert, I knew something was different within me. I could not readily identify it until the next morning. As I sat on the couch listening over and over to two songs from the album relating to the night before, my heart broke. Snapped like a twig.
 
That morning the answer became clearer than even before. Jesus was and is my Savior! I didn’t simply invite Jesus into my heart and life, I quite literally begged him to come in and take over.
 
He did and continues to do the good work today that He began in March of 2004. I once was blind and by God’s grace now I see.
 
The call on my life (and yours?) is revealed
 
It’s actually clearly and simply revealed what God’s call is on every Christ-follower’s life. Jesus himself spoke it in Matthew 28:18-20.

18 And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” (Emphasis added)
 
Life’s call revealed and a promise given; Go make disciples and the promise from Jesus to always be with me on this mission and our given purpose. The call for all of us is to make disciples of Jesus Christ. For those who are followers of Jesus we know this and believe it to be truth.

I have found meaning, purpose and how to live out that mission in relationship with Jesus. So can you.
 
God will not force himself on us. It’s by grace through faith we find salvation in Jesus the Christ. It cannot be earned. None of us is good enough to do that. It’s why Jesus went to the cross. To pay a price you and I cannot. A price we owe but are woefully incapable of paying.
 
A Good Work Prepared – Your Unique Purpose
 
Ephesians 2:10 "For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

Before our birth, God ordained and created for each of us good works to do. As we pursue our relationship with Jesus, God will reveal those works to us. It takes intentional effort and persistence to discover and clarify that purpose, that good work.
 
The journey to discover or re-discover your God given purpose that has been uniquely prepared for you awaits. Through a process that challenges you to interpret your life in a way you likely never have, your purpose is discoverable.
 
What Gets in the Way?
 
The list of what distracts us from fully engaging the healing journey and discovering our purpose or even catching a glimpse of it is lengthy. Here are a few of the more common sources of distraction. (Certainly not exhaustive)

• Our job
• Illness
• Pride
• Addictions
• Shame and it’s lies
• Other’s expectations of us
• Relationships (good and not so good)
• Faulty belief systems
• Emotional wounds

 
Maybe you can identify your healing and purpose killer in this list, or maybe not. The important truth is that you do have a real God given purpose for your life. A purpose that only you can truly accomplish. This purpose will bring you fulfillment and more importantly help others as the primary by-product.

Unhealed wounds will and do get in the way of experiencing God’s life to the full he intends and the purpose He planned in that fullness for us to “walk in”.
 
Our purpose is not primarily for us, but it can and will fulfill us in so many ways. And right now, I invite you into the journey.
 
This is the good work God has called me to. It’s an honor to serve Him, by serving you. I’d love to hear from you. If you have an interest in finding out more about how the healing and purpose discovery process works, please reach out and let’s have a short visit.
 
I’m still a student of this journey and suspect I will be until the day Christ returns or calls me home.
 
Courageously forward my friends.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." -Chinese proverb

​If you or someone you love is addicted to pornography or other unhealthy and unwanted sexual activities, there is certainly sickness present. It may not be a physical sickness (although many porn addicts report they don't feel well much of the time). But there is always emotional and spiritual sickness in those who develop sexually addictive patterns. And if the one sick is to become well, healing must occur. 

Before we dive into what it takes to heal from sexual addiction, we must understand the overall process and purpose of recovery.

Recovery is a process of healing from unhealthy compulsions and growing in one's God-given identity, for the purpose of encouraging others with similar struggles.

It is a lifelong process that invites a person to exchange their life of addiction (self-centered idolatry) for a life of purpose and meaning (selfless acts of service). With this in mind, let's dive into what it takes to heal from sexually addictive patterns.

Diagnosis

Proper healing never happens without proper diagnosis. If you suffer from a head cold and a doctor inaccurately diagnoses you with bronchitis, whatever treatment is prescribed will have little effect on your actual illness. It is important to assess the problem carefully in order to develop a quality treatment plan. 

When it comes to sexual addictions, it isn't as easy to diagnose as a head cold (or even bronchitis). There are many variables:

• family of origin issues,
• abuse (physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual),
• trauma,
• sexual history,
• exposure to porn in childhood,
• religious beliefs,
• and more.

This part of the recovery journey can benefit greatly from counseling by a qualified sexual addiction counselor.

Take your time in the diagnosis stage. Be careful not to get "stuck" in analysis, but also don't be too quick to rush to "solutions" before you have adequately unpacked all that has been bottled up deep inside.

Secrecy is a big part of developing (and perpetuating) an addiction, so it is likely that it could take a while for everything that has been hidden to come into the light for examination. Be patient and keep bringing it all out. It will be painful, but it is pain with a good purpose: healing. 

Prescribe treatment

Once the diagnosis is made, there must be a plan for treating the sickness. How would you like to go to your doctor with the head cold I mentioned earlier, and after he diagnoses your cold he stands up, shakes your hand, and dismisses you from his office? No prescription. No advice. Not even a "hope you feel better" as you head for the door. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't keep that doctor. 

The same should be true in recovery. Too often people keep going back again and again to "doctors" (i.e. helpers in recovery) who do nothing more than tell the patient, "Yep, you're addicted to porn and sex. Good luck." What? Healing from a sexual addiction does not occur through diagnosis only. There must be a plan for getting well.

The combination of counseling and support groups can be very helpful when developing a plan for your specific needs. These are environments that are designed to give you the time and space you need to absorb new thoughts and engage in healthy relationships that motivate you to live in a different way -- free from addiction.

God's Word is our ultimate source for truth and wisdom and guidance. And for those who have placed their faith in Jesus Christ there is the promise of the indwelling of his Holy Spirit to "guide us into all truth." (John 16:13) Dig into the Word of God and spend time in listening prayer to learn what steps God wants you to take in your healing journey.

But a "prescription" doesn't fill itself. You ultimately have to "take your medicine."

"Take your medicine"

I remember being sick as a kid -- a lot! It felt to me like I was going to the doctor every week with a sore throat and fever. Every time I started to feel bad, I knew what was coming: the spoon. Yeah, I think you know what I'm talking about. The spoon that carried this liquid that was a color no one can describe. And the taste. Well, I'd rather not talk about it anymore. I'm not feeling too well...

I'm not sure why most medicines can't taste good, but it seems to be that way when it comes to the ingredients that make us well. The same is true in the healing process of recovery.

I wish I could say it "tastes" good to confess sin and brokenness, to make amends, to humble myself before God and others, to resist temptation, to reach out for help, to set up boundaries at home and work, and much more. But what the "prescription" for a life of integrity lacks in taste, it makes up for in effectiveness. This is what it takes to heal.

When you discover that the prescription, or plan, for your healing is actually for your good, you won't be as likely to resist it. In fact, you will reach out for the "spoon" and drink the weird-colored medicine because of its transformative effect. Over time you will even begin to "feel" better, not wallowing about in the cloud of addiction, loneliness, and shame. This is what healing looks like, and it is the first step of the long, and rewarding journey of recovery.

For help in healing from sexual trauma or addiction, consider the following resources:

Gateway to Freedom (3-day workshop for men)
40-Day E-Course for Men
40-Day E-Course for Women
Online Care Groups for Wives
Professional Counselor
Support Groups

How does your story fit into the Prodigal Son story? 

Jesus got a lot of opposition from the religious leaders of his day. They didn't like what he was saying about God and his kingdom; his teaching didn't fit their narrative. So, in order to combat their false narrative, Jesus told stories to illustrate what he was teaching about God and how life was to be lived in His kingdom. 

One such story that Jesus told was about a father and his two sons (found in Luke 15). It was actually the third story in a string of stories Jesus told to try and communicate how God loves to celebrate when lost possessions of great value are found.

The story of the Prodigal Son is about Pride, Prostitutes, Pigs, and a Party. As the story unfolds, see where your own story might intersect and discover God's heart for you no matter where you are on your journey.

Pride (I want it my way!)

Jesus said, “There was a man who had two sons. And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.’ And he divided his property between them." (Luke 15:11-12)

One day this son goes to his dad and demands that he give him his inheritance. This is a bold, arrogant move because the father isn't even dead yet!

Before we wag our fingers too strongly at this young man, we probably ought to examine our own hearts on this matter. For all of us, in one way or another, have demanded the same from our heavenly Father. We may think because of our hard work "for the kingdom" God owes us blessings of comfort and prosperity. Or maybe we have some understanding of the spiritual "riches" we have in Christ but think we can then just snap our fingers whenever we want to "actualize" such "heavenly wealth."

Pride blinded this young son to the actual goodness of his father and the riches he already possessed as a member of his family. The more his eyes became fixed on himself and his own desires, the less he was able to recognize and enjoy the love and presence of his father. Dad was no longer a person to be known, but merely a resource to fund the son's selfish whims.

Amazingly, the father gave the son what he asked of him. What grace! And what wisdom. Some lessons can only be learned by actually receiving what our selfish hearts demand. 

Whenever I have pushed back in disagreement or anger on any of God's boundaries, I have learned the hard way that the source of such rebellion was pride. In the moment, I couldn't see the love and kindness and wisdom of God's restriction; I only saw it blocking me from what I wanted. 

Many times God would eventually give me what I was asking for, and I would do with His resources exactly what the Prodigal Son did with his father's inheritance: run away from home.

Prostitutes (the "fun" of sin ... for a season)

Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living. (Luke 15:13)

The son finally had what he asked for and he wasn't going to waste any time getting busy with living however he wanted. He split town and headed to a place where no one knew him and he wouldn't be "bothered" by those religious restrictions of his father and their community. 

I'm sure the son was having a fun time. I had lots of fun while I was sinning. Sin is fun! It feels good. It feeds base cravings and urges. But it also operates like a snowball rolled down a white-capped mountain. At first it seems manageable, but eventually its size and speed become unstoppable and dangerous. 

The text says this boy "squandered his [father's] property in reckless living." Some translations say "in sensuous living." Sin is about the senses consuming whatever they can. Taste, touch, smell, sound, sight. Notice how sin entices the senses to take; the basic nature of sin is greed. 

In a short period of time the young man blew through all the money his father had given him. This is what happens when sin is allowed free reign in a life without any restrictions or boundaries. 

God didn't establish boundaries for us because He doesn't like us or doesn't want us to succeed or be satisfied. His law was given to show us the insidious nature of sin and how it will utterly destroy our lives if we give into it. God's law is based in His love for us; He is a good Father!

And when he had spent everything, a severe famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. (Luke 15:14)

​Eventually, the ways of pride and greed lead to loneliness and and even greater need. The Prodigal Son, like us, thought that if he pursued everything his heart wanted that he would find true satisfaction. Instead, he found himself broke and alone. His condition actually worsened. This is the nature of sin: it leads to destruction.

But the son wasn't quite ready to give up on his venture. He still thought he could solve his problem on his own. He hadn't yet reached the necessary point of brokenness that would lead him home.

Pigs (the brokenness of true repentance)

So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything. (Luke 15:15-16)

​The Prodigals Son's selfish decisions eventually landed him far from home taking a job he likely would have never considered just a few short months before: feeding pigs.

This may not seem like that big a deal to you, especially if you live in a western, non-Jewish nation. But when Jesus told this story he was speaking to an all-Jewish audience. The imagery of this young man taking a job to feed pigs would not have been lost on them.

Pigs were considered an "unclean" animal according to Jewish law. the Jewish people were not to have anything to do with pigs. So, the fact that this boy even considered taking a job feeding them was an indication of just how far he had wandered from his home. But even more startling than this boy feeding the pigs was the feeling he was having toward them: envy.

"...he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate..."

There probably couldn't be a better way to describe the lowest possible feeling that a Jew could have than to say he envied a pig! And that is exactly where the Prodigal Son found himself, feeling lower than a pig.

But Jesus knows that this is a great place for a wandering soul to be. Sometimes it takes a journey of prideful self-indulgence to get us to finally acknowledge our sin and brokenness. Many a soul has found the hope and delight of God's grace while covered in the muck of a stinky pig pen. And this is exactly what the Prodigal Son discovered. 

Party (the joy of a faithful Father) 

But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father's hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.” (Luke 15:17-19)

The Son finally "woke up" and came to his senses. He realized where his pride had taken him and he remembered the kindness and goodness of his father. He then formulated a plan to repent of his sin and make amends with those he hurt by his selfish actions. He hoped and prayed that he might just get a bunk with the servants.

Little did he know that the kindness and goodness of his father ran so much deeper than he imagined. 

And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to celebrate. (Luke 15:18-24)

The father spent every day since his son left scanning the horizon in hopes that he might see his silhouette coming down the road. Now, finally, after many days (probably months, at least) he sees the figure of his son returning -- and he cannot contain his joy!

He runs to his boy (something a Jewish man with his wealth would never be expected to do!) and wrapped him in his arms and kissed him. The son tries to get his confession out, but the father overwhelms his words with an avalanche of grace. He calls out to have him clothed like royalty and for party preparations to be made immediately.

Imagine yourself as this son.

​The last time you saw your father you were demanding money from him in a way that wished he were dead. Now, as you return home, covered in caked on mud and filth from the pigs you envied, this same father is embracing you and showering you with kisses and demanding that a party be thrown in your honor.

How do you respond? How could you respond? Do you see that grace has the power to completely overpower your defenses of shame? Could you respond to such grace with a statement like, "But Dad, are you sure about this? I mean I really screwed up! This party is way too much."

Your heavenly Father knows every step you have taken in your wanderings from Him. He knows how you have squandered his wealth on reckless living. He has seen the heaviness of your heart as you stare with envy at the "pigs" you are feeding. He feels your brokenness as you come to your senses and begin your journey home.

No matter what you have done, God's heart bursts with joy when he sees your silhouette rise on the horizon. He can't contain his joy as he runs to you, smile on his face, to sweep you up in his arms, kiss you, and throw the greatest party you could ever imagine. 

​That's how much your Father loves you. If you've been wandering, will you come home to him?