It’s fair to say all of us have heard a husband or wife say they are married to their best friend. If not, well...now you have. 

In greater frequency I'm going to the dictionary to find definitions of words that are key to what I’m speaking or writing about. Seems like a reasonable thing to do. The Merriam-Webster dictionary has changed over the years. Single word definitions are no longer the only words defined in those dictionaries. 

So I looked up “best friend” in Merriam-Webster's Dictionary to find this: “a person's closest or dearest friend." The word ‘dearest’ is what jumped out at me. 

I asked myself, is my wife (Julie) my dearest friend? Which prompted another question; Shouldn’t she be? My immediate answer was, Yes. Duh! 

A Track Change on my Train of Thought

I used to mentally bristle at the idea of being married to your best friend. Seemed like an insulting idea to my relationship with Jesus Christ. He above all others should be my one and only best friend. Period.

Oh how legalistic of me. Bear with me, if you’re wondering if I’m not off the rails.

I now believe differently. But this was a shift in belief based on prayer, thought and biblical review -- and a discussion with my bride.

I asked Julie what a best friend is to her. She named the following items:

• Know each other (fully) 
• No judgement (of each other)
• Open communication
• Have fun (child-like) together
• Unconditional love for one another

Sounds a bit like our right relationship with Jesus doesn’t it? That convinced me that husband and wife cannot just be 'best friends', but in reality should be each other's best friends.  

Marriage as Jesus sees it

Here’s the truth about marriage as we view it the reflection of Jesus Christ’s relationship with the church. Marriage is the only relationship between human beings that is designed to fully reflect the relationship Jesus has with His bride, the Church. 

In Ephesians 5:25, 31-32 the Apostle Paul writes: Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her... “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

As I think about and process these verses I see a relationship between two “closest and dearest” friends. Two ideas that are key to draw out in the previous sentence are relationship and closest. Jesus went to the cross to heal a broken relationship between mankind and God the Father. 

Let's unpack verse 31 of Ephesians 5 by looking at a few key words:

• “will leave” means: abandon
• “hold fast” means: to glue, adhere
• “to” means: with
• “his” means: his, she, they, them, same
• “wife” means: woman, my lady
• “will become” means: exist, purpose
• “flesh” means: human nature, kindred 

With these words further defined from the original greek language verse 31 could read this way:

Eph 5:31 “Therefore a man will abandon his father and mother and adhere with she my lady and the two exist as one human nature.” (Dan W. version)

There is also no one closer to the Christian than God the Holy Spirit who lives within us. Men, I’m speaking to you for a few sentences. Your wife is the only other person called a suitable “helper’ in Scripture other than the Holy Spirit. 

Men, we have the responsibility and honor to carry the image of Christ in our marriage relationship. We are the bridegroom in our marriage as Jesus is to the church. 

Did that realization just about knock you over? If not, it maybe should at least grab your undivided attention. 

Attention wives (for a minute)

In Ephesians 5:22-24 the Apostle Paul writes to wives: Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

The Apostle Paul is not saying women are inferior, less valuable than men, less intelligent, capable or any such value based idea. He is also not giving us men permission to boss our wives around, or they are a doormat of any kind. 

God has assigned men and women equal value, access to the kingdom of God but also has given men and women different roles and responsibilities. Wives and (women) you are co-heirs of the grace, the same grace of Christ. Your value exceeds any precious jewel on earth!

As Jesus Christ has demonstrated He is worthy of being fully trusted, so men we as husbands following His example need to be of such integrity that when a tough decision needs to be made our wives can trust us to lead well. Are we perfect as Jesus is? Nope, yet we are called to lead in that same submissive relationship with God as Jesus did. 

That puts duty on us as men to lead wisely and wives to trust fully in the mirrored image of Christ following the lead of God the Father. 

This takes two of the closest and dearest friends who have a profound trust of one another. Husband and wife of one human nature, glued together in Christ Jesus. 

Yes, we can and should be married to our best friends.

A few closing musings

A covenant is a big deal. God made covenants with Moses, Israel and Jesus Christ was the fulfillment of a new and eternal covenant with His brothers, sisters and between God and His children. That covenant was signed, sealed and delivered through the blood of Jesus the Christ. 

Marriage is also a covenant. A covenant shaped and mirrored in Christ’s relationship with the church. 

Let’s stop here and define what a “covenant” between God and mankind is: “A covenant is an unchangeable , divinely imposed legal agreement between God and man that stipulates the conditions of their relationship.” (from Grudem's Systematic Theology)

In Malachi 2 marriage is referred to directly as a covenant. Therefore we see marriage in light of the above covenant definition. This means we as husbands and wives do not get to set the terms of this covenant. God does and has. 

This is not oppressive, but freeing! As in Christian living, there is great freedom in life in Christ so it is with marriage. Come on now...this is great news!

God gives to husband and wife each other's best friend. This makes the relationship not merely a 'her and me' arrangement, but an us or we adventure. 

 Just writing this article has changed the way I view our 36 year marriage union and covenant. My lady of one human nature and I have the joyous privilege to mirror His love for the church, the bridegroom. 

So has Christ given to you in your marriage! 

Wow! How cool is that! 


Written by Dan Wobschall
Director of Gateway to Freedom

Yes, it is possible to quit porn and masturbation. 

But I'm assuming you would prefer I write a little bit more in answer to this question. So I will.

I won't spend time writing about how big the porn problem is (you can read some statistics here).  Nor will I focus on how porn affects the brain or the addictive nature of porn or is masturbation a sin. All good topics, but that's not why you're reading this article, is it?

You are reading this article because you want to know how to quit porn and masturbation. 

Here are 5 tips to help you quit porn and masturbation. These are not a "magic formula" that guarantees freedom, but they will greatly increase your probability of success. 

1. Learn your triggers

It is highly unlikely that your engagement of porn and masturbation is random or arbitrary. There is always some kind of pattern to such acting out. This pattern includes what we call triggers.

A trigger is anything that prompts you to pursue a particular unhealthy behavior (in this case, porn and masturbation). Triggers could be physical, like something you experience with your five senses (seeing, touching, tasting, hearing, smelling). Triggers could also be emotional or mental (i.e. sad, bored, scared, lonely, stressed, etc.).

To learn your specific triggers ask yourself the following questions related to your engagement with porn and masturbation: 

• What am I typically thinking of before acting out? 
• What am I typically feeling before acting out?
• What is often going on in the environment around me before acting out? 

Spend time examining your triggers and write them down. And commit to a lifelong journey of learning yourself so you can become better equipped for dealing with any kind of temptation you face.

Once you learn your core triggers, it's time to make a plan for responding to temptation in healthy, life-giving ways. 

2. Plan your ways of escape ahead of time

I'm going to assume that you are not engaging porn and masturbation 24-hours a day, 7 days a week. (If you are, hospitalize yourself immediately!) The time to create a plan for dealing with your triggers is not 60 seconds before you act out -- make your plan(s) before you are wrestling with temptation.

Think of your unhealthy habit of porn and masturbation as a big hole in the roof of your house. When do you notice the hole as a problem? On sunny days? No! You curse the hole when it's raining, right? But you can't fix the hole when it's raining.

The time to work on fixing the hole is when the sun is out, even though that's also the time you aren't really thinking about the hole as being a problem. But rest assured it will rain again!

The key to responding well to your triggers and temptation is to plan your ways of escape before the "rain" starts falling. Here is a template to help you create your plan for resisting temptation when your triggers are tripped: 

• How will you respond physically? (take a walk, leave the room, exercise, etc.)
• How will you respond spiritually? (recite a Bible verse, say a prayer, etc.)
• How will you respond relationally? (call/text a loved one, reach out to an accountability partner, etc.)

Responding well to triggers and temptation does not happen "organically." You must have a plan and you must work that plan. Quitting porn and masturbation requires more than hope and good intentions. But if you've learned your triggers and created a plan for escaping temptation, you are well on your way to living free from porn and masturbation.

Now it's time to exponentially increase your probability of freedom by sharing your triggers and your plan with someone else. No long-term freedom from porn and masturbation is possible without the help of others.

3. Share your triggers and your plan with a trusted friend

We all need help in life, and not just with overcoming the destructive habit of porn and masturbation. God designed us to thrive as human beings when we live in community. "It is not good for man to be alone."

I admit that what I am about to propose isn't easy. It's scary to be vulnerable with other people, especially sharing such a personal struggle like porn and masturbation. But it is necessary.

Now that you have written down your specific triggers and created a plan of escape when temptation hits, it's time to share this with at least one trusted friend. I found it most helpful in my own recovery journey to have at least 3 other people who knew this information.

A trusted friend is someone who cares about you enough to hold in confidence this personal information. And they have your best in mind; they want to see you succeed in your pursuit of freedom. 

When you share your triggers and escape plan, this is what you are asking your trusted friend to do:

• Pray for you regularly in your battle with temptation.
• Dialogue with you regularly about your specific triggers and how well your plan to fight temptation is working.
• Challenge you to keep growing, especially when you stumble.
• Ask questions about your plan to help you improve it.

Quitting porn and masturbation is about more than just stopping unhealthy behaviors and thoughts. It's also about building strong friendships and growing in integrity as part of a community. And possibly the primary reason you need community is because you won't travel this road of growth and maturity perfectly. 

You will stumble along the way, and you will need a loving community to help you get back up and keep going. 

4. Confess and repent when you stumble

I wish freedom from porn and masturbation was easy. I really do. But it is not. It is messy and imperfect, just like you and me. 

As you fight the battle against the temptations to engage porn and masturbation, you will not always win. You will sometimes stumble and fall. But falling on this journey doesn't mean you have utterly failed. 

It is important to reframe stumbles as opportunities to learn and grow, rather than false indications that you are fatally flawed and beyond hope of ever being free. Fatalistic thinking is NOT from God!

God forgives your sin, not so that you can keep returning to it, but instead so you can look at it objectively, free from its shame, to learn how to respond better the next time you're faced with a similar temptation. 

When (notice I said when, not if) you stumble and fall, be quick to confess it and repent. To confess is to "agree with truth." So, don't lie or try to hide the fact that you acted out. Agree with the truth that you did x, y, or z. 

To repent means to "change your mind." The reason you stumbled was because somewhere along the way your mind was convinced that it was a good idea to sin. Repentance is refocusing your mind back on what is true and right and good. (Phil. 4:8)

I find it most helpful to confess and repent in the following contexts:

• To God
• To myself
• To my spouse (if married)
• To my trusted friends

Confession and repentance is not usually easy or comfortable, but it is crucial if you are going to break free from porn and masturbation and become the person of integrity God created you to be. 

Finally, it's important that all this work on quitting porn and masturbation doesn't overshadow what the real goal of such work should be: to build an intimate, growing relationship with God. 

5. Keep the real goal in view: intimacy with God

Your struggle with porn and masturbation is not disconnected from your relationship to God. Yes, you read that sentence correctly, even if it is not something you have ever thought before. 

Sin is not an entity unto itself. Sin is a distortion of something good. Think of sin like a parasite; it requires a host. Your sinful desires for porn and masturbation are merely distortions of the good desires God created within you for connection, intimacy, and pleasure. 

Therefore, your pursuit to break free from porn and masturbation must ultimately be a pursuit of knowing God and His good design of sex, love, and intimacy. Don't lose sight of this larger (and better) goal. If you only eliminate an unhealthy habit, you will miss the greatest joy of all: walking with God as He designed you to walk. 

Take a some time to go back over the previous 4 tips and reframe them with this goal of intimacy with God. Maybe ask yourself the following questions:
​

• What do my triggers reveal about my need for God? The goodness of my emotions? The legitimate and good needs God placed in me?
• What good and healthy desires are underneath the temptations to act out with porn and masturbation? What is God protecting me from by placing boundaries around my body, heart, and mind?
• How does a loving community draw me closer to God and His design for my life?
• What do I discover about God's love and character when I confess and repent? 

As you keep the bigger picture of intimacy with God in view you will discover that "quitting" porn and masturbation is not so much a journey of negation, but instead a journey of pursuit. By running toward God you are automatically running away from sexual sin in all its forms.

Yes, it is possible to quit porn and masturbation. 

​By pursuing intimacy with God and others...


Written by
Jonathan Daugherty
​Founder & President

You have an enemy. His name is Satan (also known as Adversary, Accuser, Deceiver) and his goal is simple: destroy your life. 

Satan has been around for a long time, way longer than us. He started out well, as an angel of light. He was essentially the "worship leader" of the angels in heaven. But his worship of God became overshadowed by worship of himself, and such pride got him kicked out of heaven (along with the rest of his worship band; about one third of the angels).

Ever since Satan's "fall" he has been intent on one thing: destroying the God he once worshiped. This is where his focus on you and me comes in.

God created mankind in His own image. We read the following in the first chapter of the Bible:

Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness"... So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. (Gen. 1:26a, 27)

We (humans) are the only part of creation that bear this special mark of God; we are created unique, distinct from everything else in the universe. And this is why Satan hates us: we look something like our heavenly Father.

When God created Adam and Eve, the first humans, He placed them in a beautiful garden and said, "“You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.” (Gen. 2:16b, 17)

They had freedom with only one restriction. (Can you imagine?) God gave humans a choice: trust God and live or trust anything else and die. This is the leverage point Satan seized upon in order to try and destroy humans, and thus try and mar the image of God.

In this story of mankind's fall into sin, Satan employs three tactics that he still uses today to seek to destroy God's image bearers. Learn to recognize these tactics and you will do well in fighting against Satan's destructive force in your life. 

Tactic 1: Distraction/Doubt

Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” (Gen. 3:1)

Satan's first tactic to destroy God's image bearers was distraction, or doubt. He asked Eve a question to plant a seed, not to gain information. He wanted to distract Eve just enough from God's Word so that she would begin to spin additional questions about God's trustworthiness. 

This tactic is still used all the time today. God's Word says one thing, yet Satan brings a question to plant the tiniest seed of doubt as to whether God's Word is trustworthy or even good. 

Some examples might be: 

• Did God actually say marriage is the covenant union of only a man and a woman?
• Did God actually say that racism is always a sin?
• Did God actually say all human life is sacred at every stage of development?
• Did God actually say that Jesus Christ is the only way to be forgiven of sin and have eternal life?

Satan is a master at planting seeds of doubt and then watering them with seemingly endless twisted modifiers to God's Word. And this is where his second tactic comes in.

Tactic 2: Distortion

Notice how Satan completely flips the script of what God actually said.

"Did God actually say, 'You shall not eat of any tree in the garden?" (3:1, emphasis mine)

The simple answer is: No, God did not actually say that! 

God said: "You may surely eat of every tree... except one."
Satan distorted God to say: "You shall not eat of any tree."

It's stark, but subtle. God actually invites Adam and Eve to focus on all the freedom He has given them, and also pay attention to the one danger. Satan, conversely, entices Eve to focus on the one restriction and ignore completely the vast freedom God has granted.   

Let's continue the story to see even more of Satan's tactic of distortion. 

And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’” (Gen. 3:2-3)

Eve gives a decent answer, but it's incomplete. Satan's first tactic seems to be working. She has already forgotten bits of God's Word. The seed of distraction and doubt is steering her ever so slightly away from the truth. 

God said they could "surely" (or "freely") eat from the trees in the garden. She omitted this small, but significant qualifier. She also added something God never explicitly said about the tree of the knowledge of good and evil: "neither shall you touch it."  

Anytime we add to or subtract from God's Word, the meaning will eventually become distorted. And Satan smiles. 

His distortion continued.

But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” (Gen. 3:4-5)

Satan flat out contradicts God's Word when he says "you will not surely die," for God said plainly, "for in the day that you eat of it [the tree of the knowledge of good and evil] you shall surely die." 

This is the moment of truth for Eve (and us). Trust God and His Word or trust Satan and his word. This is how every decision of life ultimately boils down.

For many of us, much of the time, the tactics of Satan have the same effect on us as they did on Eve (and Adam) below. 

Tactic 3: Division

So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths. (Gen. 3:6-7)

Satan's seeds of distraction and doubt drew Eve's attention away from God's Word just enough for him to plant a few more seeds of doubt through distorting and flat out contradicting God's Word. With each question and contradiction Eve's focus was diverting from God (and freedom) to sin (and death). 

And as soon as Eve and Adam ate the forbidden fruit a separation of cosmic proportions was established. Immediately there was division between husband and wife; they became self-conscious of their nakedness and sought to hide their bodies from each other. 

But more than just a marital division occurred. Heaven and earth were separated. God's image bearers chose the way of the Deceiver instead of their Creator. Life would never be the same again. And life would also have an expiration. Every human being born from Adam will surely die. God's Word was true after all. 

Satan, the great Deceiver, is intent on destroying your life and mine. He literally hates us! He uses the same tactics today that he used in the beginning: distraction/doubt, distortion, and division. 

Where in your own life do you see the enemy's tactics? Has he planted seeds of doubt about God's goodness and trustworthiness? Has he distorted God's Word, causing you to omit or add things that fundamentally alter its meaning and effectiveness? Where has Satan created division between you and God, or you and others, or even you and yourself? 

Do battle today to reclaim ground the enemy has stolen. Because of God's grace and the power of the resurrected Christ your life does not have to be destroyed. 

Trust fully in God's Word. 
Repent of sin.
Pursue unity with God and others.

It's true you have an enemy. But it's also true you have Savior in Jesus Christ, the One who conquered sin and death -- and Satan! In Christ, you have hope and joy -- and the freedom your soul was made for from the beginning. 

Extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures! We easily understand this with physical injuries. If someone gets badly hurt in an accident, she is likely to receive compassion and support. No one would frown on her need to have time off from her normal responsibilities, go to physical therapy, or rest. She is likely to be loved on with meals, cards, and more. Life’s pace would need to change to make room for recovery. 

It is a different story when this same woman suffers a devastating, emotional blow such as being betrayed by the person that her life is most intertwined with: her husband. 

The kind of heartbreak that infidelity produces is severe. The grief has been equaled to that of losing a child. Emotions are all over the place. Anger is a normal emotional response to betrayal. Tears can be incessant. For some, shock and numbness can set in. Insecurities shout, “you’re not enough.”

Emotional triggers become a way of life. The body responds with appetite changes, panic attacks, sleep disturbances, stomach issues, and even aggravated pre-existing health conditions.

Initially, to even speak to someone else about what you are going through can bring more pain and shame. Accepting that this is part of your life takes time. Who could be trusted with this sensitive information? 

The truth is, many carry on in this life-altering reality without tending to their invisible wounds. The lack of self-care will take its toll on the individual. Self-neglect when facing something that impacts one so deeply is likely to incur negative consequences such as clinical depression, physical illness, becoming bitter, developing an addiction, getting stuck, and much more. 

It is important to practice self-care when healing from betrayal trauma as a basic form of stewardship. Borrowing from the parable of the talents in Matthew 25, our bodies, thoughts, heart, and behaviors are our most obvious “talents.” Using these “talents” well to heal will move you forward to the good works God created for you to do as you get stronger. 

Consider giving emotional trauma the equal respect that you would give to a physical injury. God does. When He looks at us He sees our heart (1 Samuel 16:7). Jesus calls the weary to come to Him to receive rest (Matthew 11:28). He is near the broken-hearted and saves those whose spirit is crushed (Psalm 34:18). God provides for basic needs in a time of distress (1 Kings 19:3-8). He collects our tears in His bottle (Psalm 56:8). Your heartache hardly escapes His notice. Don’t let it escape yours. 

Josh Spurlock says in his article on the theology of self-care: “Self-care isn’t selfish or self-indulgent, it’s good stewardship of the resource of our body that enables us to make the best use of it and the time God has given us.”

Here are a few obstacles that can hold you back from practicing needed self-care at this time: 

• Keeping a busy routine. Healing of any kind is difficult without a margin of time and energy. Some wives have overcompensated for a husband who has not been fully present at home. What activity, responsibility, or care could you let go of in order for you to tend to your needs during this delicate season? 
  
  
• Underestimating the impact. It is common in recovery for the investment of time, energy and money to go towards the betrayer’s recovery. That’s understandable, as his brokenness has caused the crisis. As previously mentioned though, sexual betrayal is deeply traumatic on the spouse. You will also need care -- the sooner the better. 
  
  
• Seeing self-care as selfish. Wives and moms tend to be really good at caring for the needs of others. It is our God-given gift of nurture. When living with a hard-to-please spouse, many go the extra mile to make things work and life gets off balance. The idea of caring for oneself may feel foreign and sound selfish. This is a time to rethink this belief and turn to self-compassion and self-nurturing.
  
  
• Feelings of unworthiness. Sexual betrayal can deplete one’s sense of worth, not to mention all the relational deceit, neglect, demeaning, and gaslighting that often precedes discovery. These enable us to feel undeserving and unworthy of good personal care. Remember that Jesus paid a high price so that you may have life and life in abundance (John 10:10). He considered you worthy of His perfect sacrifice. Stand firm on that truth. What others do, or don’t do, is not the way to measure your worth -- Jesus’ love is. 
  
  
• Being in a place of self-disconnect. Early in my healing journey I was asked: “What do you enjoy doing?” Honestly, I found it hard to answer. It revealed how disconnected I had become to the person God created me to be. This was a turning point in my focus. I slowly, but surely, started giving myself permission to engage in healthy activities that were life-giving to me. 

What do you enjoy doing? What deposits energy back to your heart and soul? What did you enjoy doing as a child? 

Would you make a list of 20 items? Your list can contain things you already know you love and things you would like to try. This is a great place to start practicing self-care. 

To inspire you, I’m sharing a list of 20 self-care ideas compiled by a wife while still in the shock stage of betrayal trauma. After allowing herself to ride the wave of hard-to-feel emotions, she would choose something from this list to help restore calm and recharge. 

1. Prepare fruit-infused water and drink it.
2. Take a short walk.
3. Experience the sounds of nature.
4. Identify and memorize Scriptures that speak to my feelings.
5. Pause and name my exact feelings like: fear, anger, loneliness, frustration, disappointment, and sadness. Bring them to God and meditate on the corresponding Scripture I have memorized.
6. Find joy in Pinterest.
7. Go for a manicure or pedicure.
8. Listen to soothing music.
9. Turn on my aromatherapy spa.
10. Prepare a new recipe.
11. Organize something that gives me a sense of accomplishment and control.
12. Take a leisurely bike ride.
13. Find a magazine that I’m interested in.
14. Rest outside and listen to the sound of the wind in the trees.
15. Enjoy hot tea in one of my favorite cups. 
16. Drive to the ocean.
17. Watch an episode of something I enjoy on TV.
18. Buy fresh flowers.
19. Take pictures of something beautiful.
20. “Window shop” at a favorite store.

Yes, healing from sexual betrayal is an extraordinary time in your life, and it does require extraordinary measures of stewardship, whether the people around you realize it or not. The important thing is you realize it and start moving in that direction one step at a time. 


Written by Gigi Hopkins
Wives Care Coordinator

Is it possible to have fun again in your marriage after an affair? This is a heavy question, but I believe it is absolutely possible. 

The marriage covenant is serious because it is the promise between a man and a woman to "love, honor, and cherish" each other "til death do us part." And when there is a sexual betrayal of that covenant, a type of death is felt. 

God's Word tells us that sexual betrayal in marriage is so serious that if it is committed, the offended spouse is allowed to divorce. (Although it is best to first seek reconciliation, especially if the betraying spouse is repentant and submits to appropriate help.)

With sexual betrayal being so serious a violation of the marriage covenant, how is it possible for a couple who has faced this to reconcile, let alone have fun again?

I'm not going to cover in this article all that is involved in reconciling a broken marriage. You can learn a little more about what that journey looks like here.

So this article is for the couple who has decided to reconcile and work on their marriage, and wants to know what does "having fun" again look like. 

Here are 4 key guidelines to help you have fun again after an affair:

1. Let the betrayed partner set the pace for pursuing fun

When sexual betrayal is committed, the spouse who was betrayed carries the heaviest burden. They are the one that feels used, deceived, and "less than." It will likely take them longer to feel "safe" enough to be vulnerable with their spouse.

If you are the spouse who committed the sexual betrayal, you need to be extremely patient and gentle with your wounded partner. They will need a great amount of gentleness and compassion from you as they navigate a whole new universe of emotions. 

Therefore, the "pace" of pursuing fun again needs to be primarily directed by the betrayed spouse. They need this "power" because it is directly connected to how safe they feel. 

When they feel safe, they become more open to fun activities.

When they feel unsafe, they are less inclined to want to pursue fun. 

My wife and I were separated for 9 months when all my lies of betrayal came out into the open. I got in recovery and my wife got some great counseling. When we reconciled and moved back in together it was difficult navigating our "new" marriage.

I wanted my wife to feel safe so that she could be herself around me. Probably the biggest way I helped this to happen was to take my recovery and sobriety seriously -- to truly be a man of integrity. 

As I proved myself to her in my recovery, she felt much safer and therefore more open to doing fun things together. 

And during this "rebirth" it wasn't as if I had no voice or opinion to offer about things to do, but it was important that my voice be softer and gentler, and that my pace be in step with my wife's healing journey.

Relearning how to have fun together will likely be a roller coaster for awhile, but that's okay. Healing and restoring a marriage wounded by sexual betrayal is not a quick, seamless process. It takes time, but it's worth the time taken.

2. Explore both old and new interests

If you have been married for more than 5 minutes you have history together. You have shared activities and memories. You certainly had things at the beginning of your relationship that you mutually enjoyed -- it's why you fell in love.

Sometimes when couples are recovering from the devastation of sexual betrayal it can seem like everything in the past was a lie, or at the very least is now completely and utterly tainted or irreparably damaged. This is not true, even if it feels true.

Because it can feel like the past is totally destroyed, the rebuilding process can seem like everything moving forward has to be NEW. New routines. New job, new phone, new house, new gym, new Internet filter, etc. New clothes, new communication skills, new church, new car. New movies, new TV shows, new social media (nah, none of that!), new restaurants, and even new shoes.

Whew! Are you exhausted yet?

When rebuilding after an affair there are certainly going to be some new ways of living established, but not everything you enjoy doing together has to be new. In fact, some of the best stuff for rekindling your intimacy will be found in reforming some old activities from your history together. 

My wife and I have always loved to travel together. We love to drive around old towns looking at the old buildings and learning the history. We love to ask the locals where to eat and what they do for fun. These activities didn't have to be eliminated from our lives after our reconciliation. They were simply reformed and enjoyed in new ways because of the healing we experienced.

But it is also good to explore new ways of having fun together. After all, in a very real sense you are building a "new" marriage. It is only fitting that you explore new things together that bring joy and delight into your relationship. 

Work together on exploring both old and new interests that are fun and interesting. Never stop learning and growing together.

3. Make sure fun obeys the Golden Rule 

Jesus said, "So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets." (Matt. 7:12) This is commonly referred to as the "Golden Rule." And it's important to remember when learning to have fun again after an affair.

In many ways the restoration process for a marriage that is healing from an affair is a journey of "learning" each other in new ways. You are learning how to talk openly and honestly, how to make decisions together, and exploring what intimacy really looks like. 

As you pursue fun activities together make the Golden Rule the "litmus test" for your decision. Is the activity something your spouse will enjoy, or simply endure? Are you being considerate and thoughtful toward them? Have you been listening to what they have been saying about what they find fun or enjoyable? 

Now, I know what some of your are thinking. If you are the betrayed spouse, you are probably shouting at me: "I've done this before and got burned by my spouse's deception before. Why would I want to do this again and risk getting hurt in the same way?"

I get it. It is definitely a risk to explore having fun again and to place your spouse's interests ahead of your own. And I'm not suggesting that you take a blind risk if your spouse is not showing signs of repentance and true pursuit of a changed life. But even if all those things are present, it's still a risk; there is no guarantee that you will never be hurt again.

But when you are both seeking to apply the Golden Rule to your decision-making about fun activities together, I think you will find that you will land on some mutually agreeable activities that really will be fun together. Yes, it's a risk, but it's a risk worth taking.

(Also, if you were the betraying spouse, be extra sensitive and caring when making decisions about fun activities. You still have a voice, but be extremely empathetic to your spouse's emotional sensitivity in this season of rebuilding.)

4. Keep fun in its proper place 

​Finally, remember that fun is simply fun. And fun is good, but it isn't the ultimate goal for restoring your marriage. Other issues like glorifying God and rebuilding oneness should take precedence over simply having fun together.

But at the same time you must acknowledge that having fun together is not unimportant. If you focus all your energy only on super spiritual matters and intensive counseling, but never spend any time together just having fun, I will argue that you are not fully rebuilding your marriage. 

I believe God absolutely wants us to be out-of-this-world happy! Happy in Him and happy in each other. I also believe that such happiness comes by way of being whole and holy. So, happiness is not disconnected from righteous living, but it also isn't devoid of real fun, true enjoyment in the creation God has made.

Explore fun in the context of pursuing God together. I believe God will show you how to have fun in ways that you never thought of before. And I also believe that God will be delighted in seeing you smile together again, not merely for the sake of smiling, but instead because something worth smiling about is truly happening in your restored marriage.

Is it possible to have fun again after an affair? I believe it is. Do you?


(This is not a comprehensive or exhaustive list of ideas or insights for having fun again after an affair. It is simply meant to be a starting point. We'd love to hear your ideas and insights in the comments section below.)


Written by Jonathan Daugherty
Founder of Be Broken Ministries

​What makes accountability with our children have lasting results? It’s one thing for a father and son to have a few conversations that result in a temporary change in the son’s integrity. It is quite another to create a dynamic that causes the son to be open to ongoing conversations about sexuality and integrity. That’s really what we are talking about.

Lasting accountability requires a relationship between father and son that welcomes difficult conversations.

What is in the Way

In 2019 Be Broken surveyed a large group of teen boys who came from Christian homes. When we asked why kids today are afraid to talk with their parents about sex all of their answers could be summarized in these two points:

1. We are afraid our parents won’t understand.
2. I’ll get in trouble for what I say or what questions I want to ask.

These two statements illustrate what is standing in the way of lasting father-son accountability. 

Do You Understand Me?

First of all, boys are afraid that their fathers do not know what it feels like to be sexually tempted. When fathers talk to their sons we tend to talk from the head instead of the heart. Sons are left uncertain if their dad really understands how they feel.

Saying “I remember wanting to look at porn at your age” does not necessarily send the message that we really know what that feels like. That is talking from the head. Talking from the heart sounds more like this:

“When I was eleven my friends showed me porn at a sleepover. I knew I shouldn’t want to but I could not make myself look away. It made me feel something I’d never felt before and I wanted to see more.” 

This kind of confession on the part of a father resonates much more with his son. This is speaking from the heart to our sons. Lasting accountability with our sons requires that we be open and honest about our own past.

Will I Get in  Trouble?

Boys also worry that they will get in trouble if they admit they have already seen porn or engaged in some kind of sexual behavior. Boys can also be afraid to ask questions about sexual words they have heard and do not understand. Instead of going to Dad, they ask Google or an older friend, which rarely ends well.

The only way our sons will be honest with us is if they know it is safe to tell Dad. That means we, as fathers, have to restrain ourselves when our sons confess or ask a question we are shocked that they even thought of.

For accountability to last, our sons need to have positive experiences during accountability conversations. They need to feel supported, not judged. Here are some tips on how to make that happen.

• When a son asks a question that we are shocked by, or that we don’t know how to answer, we can start by responding, “Wow, that’s a really good question,” or “I’m so glad you asked me instead of someone else.” Even if we have to tell them we need to think about how to respond, starting out by affirming them for asking us makes this a positive experience. 
• When a son confesses that he has looked at porn, the first words out of our mouth can be, “Thank you for telling me.” We start by praising our son for being honest. There is no condemnation for confession. We can work on finding ways to prevent future exposure later.
• When we discover our son has been viewing porn and he has not told us, we might start the conversation with, “You are not in trouble.” All accountability conversations start with affirmation, even when our son gets caught. Yes, we might restrict them from the internet or not let them go to a particular friend’s house for a while, but that is protecting them, not punishing our sons. Porn is harmful, yes, but it is not our son’s fault that it is attractive and they want to see it.

Relationship First

What our sons need most is a strong relationship with their dad, or with another adult if the dad is not around. Having clear boundaries is important. Doing our best to protect our sons from sexualized content is important. But none of that will work if our sons don’t care what we say or think. Building a close relationship with our sons makes them much more likely to embrace our ideals.

My Son’s Story

This was certainly true with my son. I had been talking with him about sex and accountability since he was eleven. When he was thirteen, unbeknown to me, he had found a way to view porn. He kept this secret for a month or two before finally coming clean and confessing to me what he had been doing.

I remember how tense he looked when he told me. He was unable to look me in the face. God must have been with me that moment because the first words out of my mouth were, “I’m so glad you told me.” His body visibly relaxed and I knew I had done something right for once.

A few years later we were talking about that incident. He told me that the reason he confessed is because we had been talking about sex and porn and I had told him about my troubles with those things when I was his age.

But, he also said that if I would have gotten mad—"tore him up" were his words I believe—he would have never been honest with me about porn again. He also said if I would have acted like I didn’t care or that it was no big deal he would probably not talked to me again either. He didn’t want me to not care, but he wanted me to care about him more than the mistake he had made.

What Lasting Looks Like

Having good accountability with your son does not mean he will stop making sexual mistakes once you build a good relationship with him. He will make plenty of mistakes. There will months or even years when he isn’t very invested in accountability with you. But if you continue to reach out to him with honesty, he will never forget that and likely return to accountability in the future. 

When faced with a difficult situation with our son, we can ask ourself, “What can I say or do that will build our relationship long term?” rather than, “What can I do to stop his behavior right now?” This isn’t always easy but I have found it to pay off over time. That’s what lasting father-son accountability is all about.

​
Written by John Fort
Director of Training
Author of Honest Talk & Father-Son Accountability

by Jonathan Daugherty

What is the best remedy for complete burnout, total fatigue? More work, of course! You just need to tap into the right formula. Obviously, you're doing something wrong. If you weren't, well, you wouldn't be so tired now, would you?

This, unfortunately, is the answer many well-meaning people are shoving down the throats of already burned out, and broken, sex and porn addicts.

​Therapists, good-natured friends, and even pastors heap up massive servings of rules, along with some side orders of shame and fear, to sexually broken people searching for help. It's no wonder that very few sex and porn addicts ever taste the sweet morsels of freedom and peace.

Jesus once said, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." (Matt 11:28)

You should see the looks on some guys faces when I tell them their mission in recovery isn't "doing more." It's like I've knocked over their apple cart with all their carefully positioned, platitudinal answers to all life's questions. What? Getting free from sexual bondage doesn't mean I have to take on more rules and tasks and burdens? How can that be?

I'm always amazed and encouraged by how Jesus cuts to the heart of what we need without blinking at all our excuses. He knows that our hearts need rest. So, he invites us to rest...in Him.

"But, Lord, I know that I need to get cleaned up and stop acting out first."

"Come to me," Jesus says.

"Well, I know that I need to get in a group, pray every day, read my Bible, and go to church."

"Come to me," He beckons.

"C'mon, Jesus, I need to know that everything I'm going to give up is really worth it, and that everything I'm going to work so hard for will impress you."

"Come to me."

Keeping the rules has never transformed one sinful heart.

Not one.

Jesus alone transforms hearts. He alone can heal your sexual brokenness, the abuses from your past, the anger and fear in your heart.

Rules and programs and books, these things become a noose around your already broken neck if you don't understand that you must first come to Jesus. He gives rest, no one else does. No one else can.

Sometimes it's hard to recognize rest (i.e. peace) as your essential need. It feels more like the primary need is figuring how to just not act out anymore. But I have come to see that when a soul has found its rest in Jesus, the motivations it once had to act out are gone.

Finding rest, and continuing to rest, in Jesus gives the soul all it needs to live life in fullness and joy, no longer seeking the facade of true intimacy promised by lust.

Now, don't think that prayer, Bible study, community and counseling are rubbish. They are not. But when one seeks in those activities what can only be found in the person of Jesus Christ, there will be no rest, only anxiety.

Be careful to keep the central thing first: Jesus gives rest to all who come to him. Everything else is secondary.

3 Tips for Finding Rest in Jesus

While it is true that Jesus offers us the generous, open invitation to come to Him to find rest, there are some insights to be gained from those who have traveled this road before us. 

Here are a few tips I've learned from others over the years that might help you find the rest your heart longs for in Jesus:

1. Tear Up Your Agenda

Even when your soul is weary, it's easy to have an agenda for what you think rest should look like (and feel like). But this won't help you find true rest. 

To bring an agenda to Jesus when your soul is frazzled and worn is like bringing your bankruptcy paperwork to Bill Gates as a strategy for creating wealth. Jesus knows what your soul needs to find rest. If you knew, Jesus wouldn't have made the invitation.

So, lay down your ideas of what you think it will take to find rest, and instead place yourself in the competent and caring arms of Jesus. 

Sometimes just laying down your agenda brings a wave of rest your soul hasn't felt in, well, maybe forever.

2. Listen More than You Talk

Jesus says that He will give you rest. This means that He knows what it takes for your soul to be at rest. Therefore, it's to your advantage to listen to whatever He tells you.

I have been leading a weekly support group for sexually addicted men since 2000. Sometimes a guy shows up and on his first time there talks more than everyone. He has answers, but no solutions. He doesn't even realize it. 

Maybe you have had a lot of "answers" for the restlessness of your soul, but have yet to find any solutions. You talk and talk and talk. But your answers only add more anxiety and turmoil to your life.

Sit still. Focus on Jesus and His Word. Listen. Stay silent. Just listen. You may not hear anything for awhile. That's okay. This is Jesus calming your mind and heart so that you can receive the rest He wants to give you.

The kind of rest Jesus offers cannot be received by a proud heart. Not until you admit you don't have all the "answers" will you be truly ready to receive the rest Jesus has for you. 

Listen more than you talk...

3. Wear Jesus' Yoke

There is a kind of rest that Jesus offers that is totally free. It doesn't cost you anything. Just come to Him and receive it. It's wonderful. But it's not all that Jesus has to offer.

There is a deeper rest that Jesus offers to those who are willing to be "yoked" to Him. This He calls "rest for your soul." 

The first kind of rest is a release from the burdens of all your toil and labor in trying to generate the peace that only Jesus can bring. And we all need to be released from the prison of self-righteousness and pride. 

But the deeper rest is found in a new kind of toil and labor, the work that Jesus wants us to do alongside Him. 

He says, "Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Matt. 11:29, emphasis mine)

To be "yoked" to Jesus means that He is going to put you to work in learning from Him what it means to live life the way He intended it. This is not easy and it doesn't come naturally. But by His grace, and through His power, you can do the work God made for you to do. (Eph. 2:10)

And this work that Jesus invites you to do alongside Him will lead you to discover a rest for your soul that you could never find on your own. 

​​Are you laboring? Heavy laden? Even in recovery? Come to Jesus. He promises to give rest to all who come. So, what excuse is holding you back from receiving what your soul truly needs? Just come...

In this post we will help you define porn addiction, understand the biology, psychology, and theology of porn addiction, and then share the best resources available to help you break free from porn -- for good!

What Is Porn Addiction?

Let's break down the terms:

Porn -- sexually explicit media, whose purpose is to elicit sexual arousal.
Addiction -- the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma. 

So, porn addiction is an enslavement to viewing sexually explicit media that causes arousal. 

In years past, one might have argued that viewing porn was simply a personal choice that didn't have any empirical effect on one's body, mind or behavior. But research is showing that is simply not true. 

In order to understand porn addiction and its effects, it is important to address the whole person: body, mind, spirit. 

Therefore, we need to explore the biology, psychology, and theology of porn addiction. 

The Biology of Porn Addiction

What happens to the body of the porn addict? Or more specifically, what happens to the brain of the porn addict? 

​Everything you do with your body is processed through the brain. It is like the "CPU" (Central Processing Unit) of the human body. To wiggle your finger or smell a rose, the brain is vitally necessary.

Your brain is full of neural pathways. These pathways are what "carry" bits of information from one place to another in the nervous system. They are formed whenever you learn something new, and they grow stronger the more you repeat that thought or action. 

So, if you view porn over and over again, you are forming very strong neural pathways that eventually become "unconscious" because of the repetitive behavior.

Your brain, in a sense, becomes "hard-wired" for porn. This is why porn addiction can be so difficult to overcome -- biology is powerful!

Before you feel hopeless at this news, let me encourage you. New neural pathways can be created that can "override" the old pathways. This is called neuroplasticity. Your brain doesn't have to stay perpetually "stuck" in old patterns of porn-addicted thinking. 

As you focus your mind on what is true and good and beautiful, you can create new neural pathways that grow stronger than your old "porn pathways." Over time, you can "rewire" your brain away from porn to healthier thoughts and behaviors.

One other notable biological aspect of porn addiction is the "feel good" chemical that is released in the brain when viewing porn: dopamine. 

Dopamine acts like a chemical reward for pursuing thoughts and behaviors deemed pleasurable. In some ways, dopamine could be described as the "want to" drug of the brain that develops an appetite of "craving" the more it is released. 

Therefore, when you look at porn (or even think about looking at porn) your brain releases dopamine. Simultaneously, neural pathways are carrying bits of information along a "track" reinforcing the behavior. Repetition of this activity strengthens both the dopamine release and neural pathway development. 

Over time, the "craving" for porn biologically intensifies. 

The Psychology of Porn Addiction

While the biology of porn addiction looks at the brain and neural pathways and pleasure chemicals, the psychology of porn addiction focuses on the mind and emotions. What emotional and mental factors play into porn addiction?

In years past there seemed to be a pretty consistent psychological model applied to porn and sex addiction: early trauma in childhood followed by introduction to sexual stimuli, topped off with weak or dysfunctional family relationships. 

While this model still applies today to many who develop a porn addiction, a new model is emerging: high media consumption reinforced by cultural normalization of porn, topped off with little to no experience with emotionally bonding to another person.

Research is showing that the ubiquity of consuming digital media is actually reducing our ability to read emotional cues from others (i.e. facial expressions). And when you add porn into this mix, it only magnifies desensitization toward human connection. The mind and heart eventually grow cold and numb.

One of the most common refrains we hear from men who attend our Gateway to Freedom 3-day workshop is that porn "numbed out" their ability to feel empathy or compassion or even desire toward anyone. 

Another psychological factor in porn addiction is shame. Shame is the core belief that your value is equal to your performance. In other words, you are only as good as your behavior.

Shame can create a mental "spiral" of thoughts that are highly self-condemning. It's as if there is a perpetual microscope analyzing every minute detail of thought and action. 

Shame creates a standard you can never live up to. You are never enough, never wanted, never known. Always less than, always left out, always hidden. 

The use of porn only increases the unhealthy shame thoughts because porn never truly satisfies and therefore reinforces the shame lies. Addiction is a vicious cycle of self-destruction. 

Porn addiction doesn't just take a toll on your biology, it diminishes your heart and soul, too. Relationships inevitably take a huge blow because of porn addiction. 

Over half of all divorce cases "involve one party having an 'obsessive interest' in pornographic websites." The psychological, social and familial cost of porn use can be very high.

But porn addiction isn't only about biology and psychology. There is also a theology to porn addiction. God cares about how you use the body He gave you.

The Theology of Porn Addiction

Does God's Word really have anything to say about porn addiction? Yes!

Regarding pornography, Jesus said, "Everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has committed adultery in his heart." (Matt. 5:28) 

To look with "lustful intent" fits the definition of porn: "whose purpose is to elicit sexual arousal". Jesus said this is a sin of the heart, not merely behavior. 

Pornography is not only about behavior ("biology"). It is an invitation to draw your heart away from what is true and good and beautiful, and instead incite you to lustfully devour with your eyes the flesh of fellow image bearers of God. 

Elsewhere the Apostle Peter said:

"...For whatever overcomes a person, to that he is enslaved." 2 Peter 2:19b

This clearly fits the definition of addiction: "the state of being enslaved to a habit." 

God did not create us to be enslaved to our sexual urges and desires. His design was that we be free to love and be loved in the expansive boundaries of His created order. Sexual expression is reserved for the context God designed: covenant marriage.

Freedom from porn addiction is not merely about tweaking brain chemistry (biology) or seeing a therapist (psychology); your sexuality is a deeply spiritual thing because God created it.

Your sexuality is a beautiful and wonderful gift from God. You were made male or female on purpose -- with a purpose. 

God's purpose for your life is not to be addicted to porn. And the good news is you don't have to be! (see below for resources)

Hundreds of free podcast episodes at PureSexRadio.com. 

To repent is to express sorrow over sin that leads to a change of mind and heart. 

But why is repentance so essential to living a life of integrity? Can't we just "do the right thing" without having to express sorrow over our sin?

The Backstory on Repentance

God's Word tells us plainly that human beings are made in His image. This makes humans distinct from everything else in creation. We bear a "resemblance" to God that is unique in the world; we were made to reflect His holiness throughout all of creation. 

God's instruction to the first humans was simple: freely enjoy everything I have created, but don't cross this one line. We know how the story went. They crossed the line, and so have we ever since.

This disobedience to God is called sin, and it divides us from God and each other. It distorts God's image into something that doesn't look like Him or act like Him. Whereas God brought life, sin brought death.

The good news, though, is that God loved us. He didn't want us forever separated from Him. So, He enacted a redemptive plan to reconcile us to Himself. And this plan only required one thing of us: faith.

Where Faith Comes In

Faith has always been the central requirement for an intimate relationship with God. It was true in the Garden of Eden before humans sinned. And it's true now after we sinned. 

But faith, although it is simple, is not that easy. There are all kinds of things that want to keep us from exercising faith: pride, fear, anger, lust, materialism, and so much more. 

For faith to be "activated" we must repent of our sin. In other words, faith that truly makes a difference in our lives is not merely a mental assent that God exists; it is an active dependence on the Creator who made us and redeemed us through the gospel of Jesus Christ.

This active dependence on God is where repentance comes in, and this must involve a true brokenness over sin.

King David in Psalm 51 said this after he was confronted with his sin of adultery, "For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you [God], you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight; so you are right in your verdict and justified when you judge." (v. 3-4)

And the apostle Paul in the New Testament reminded the church in Corinth of the good fruit that comes from godly sorrow:

Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. (2 Cor. 7:10)

Repentance is borne of a deep sorrow over sin. This is what prepares our hearts and minds for the humble dependence that leads us to faithful obedience and a life of greater integrity. 

Let's look now at how repentance is essential to a life of integrity.

3 Ways Repentance Is Essential to Integrity

1. Repentance reminds us of our need for help

When we look honestly at our sin, it at least has to reveal that we aren't perfect. In order to have integrity (the "state of being whole") we must recognize how far short of God's standard we fall, and be ready to seek help.

If we never ask for help on our journey of life and faith, it is highly probable that we are not engaging in the discipline of repentance, and thus not living with integrity. Daily repentance will reveal our broken hearts and the areas in which we need the most help. 

2. Repentance acknowledges God as our source of holiness

When we repent of our sin, we are saying to ourselves and to God, "I blew it! I missed the mark of holiness you expect. Apart from you I cannot live the life you require of me. You are my only hope."

We are not capable of living the life God requires of us -- because of our sin! But when we repent we are reminded of the great love and grace and mercy that God has given to us through Jesus.

Jesus did live a holy life. THE holy Life! And, by faith, he freely offers His life to us. Celebrate this amazing truth!

3.  Repentance trains us to worship God, not ourselves

The root of all sin is pride, the belief that we can thrive independent from God. In essence, sin is self-worship. 

When we repent we are starkly reminded that God alone is holy and we are not. He alone is worthy of worship, we are not. The very first of the 10 Commandments sums this up: "You shall have no other gods before me." (Ex. 20:3)

There is a rich and rewarding humility that emerges from repentance. And from this foundation the desire to actively depend on our Creator grows. Over time, this produces a life that looks more and more like the Image it was meant to reflect.

Repentance is essential to a live of integrity. Let's commit together to daily express sorrow over our sin that leads to a change of mind and heart. 


Written by Jonathan Daugherty
Founder of Be Broken Ministries

Life is stressful. Can I get an 'Amen'?

Stress (or anxiety) can come from lots of places: medical issues, broken relationships, work problems, trauma, mental health disorders, addictions, drugs, alcohol, heredity, and many others. Just about anything can be a trigger for stress. 

Stress, for the purposes of this article, can simply be defined as worry -- to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts. 

So, how are you handling your stress?

​Let me suggest that the following exercises might help you manage your stress in healthier ways:

1. Read and Pray Every Day

While there certainly can be physical reasons for anxiety, one thing seems to always be present when we are stressed: obsessive thoughts about our fears. 

What you think about matters to how you feel. And what you think about is affected by what you focus on. So, what are you focused on?

A simple way to refocus your mind away from your fears and anxieties is to read and pray every day. Read a passage of Scripture that reminds you of your inherent value or of your identity in Christ.

Pray throughout the day. Share your struggles and fears with God. Be honest and open about the difficulty you are having; even expressing any doubts you are having about God and goodness and life.

Also, it is important to read other good material on understanding your emotions and how to respond to them in healthy ways.  

Read and pray every day. It makes a difference for handling stress well. 

2. Breathe 

​Stress creates a sense of panic. And when we panic everything speeds up -- thoughts, heart rate, and even breathing. 

So, a very practical exercise to help deal with stress in a healthy way is to focus on your breathing. And keep it simple: breathe in and breathe out.

According to Medical News Today, something called the 4-7-8 breathing technique can help reduce tension and stress. (I'm not advocating for yoga; this is only a simple way to breathe that has positive effects on your body.)

Simply breathe in for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 7 seconds, and then exhale for 8 seconds. Start easy by doing this for 3-7 minutes, then work your way up to 15-20 minutes a day. I suggest lying down or sitting down when you start, just in case you get light-headed.

To enhance this breathing exercise, meditate on Scripture or pray the Lord's Prayer. Breathe in God's grace and truth, and breathe out any lies of shame and all the things you can't control. Focus your mind on God's truth and grace.

Breathing is essential to life. Learn to breathe deeply and focus on what is true. This will help you handle your stress far better. 

3. Name Your Fears

Stress seems most powerful when it attaches our fear to the unknown. And the unknown is whatever is unnamed. 

Have you ever noticed that the stuff that scares us most is usually the stuff we know very little about. Take something extremely difficult, like cancer, for instance. 

When someone has cancer but doesn't know it, their fears about feeling sick can go in a million different directions. But once the cancer is named, those particular fears are not as strong -- even though the thought of fighting cancer is very daunting.

Once the diagnosis is made, new fears emerge, right? But why? Because now there are yet more unnamed realities that must be faced. 

Naming your fears is healthy self-talk. The Psalmist says, "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?" (42:5) And follows this up later with a specific question, "Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?" 

Finally, after naming the specific fear (oppression of the enemy), the Psalmist fights it with pointing his will toward truth: "Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."

The more you can name your fears and combat them with truth, the more you can limit their power over you -- and the more your stress will decrease.

4. Connect with Healthy People

It is not easy to deal with stress, or name your fears, alone. You need to connect with healthy people who love you and can listen thoughtfully to your full story of stress and anxiety. 

Healthy people are those who understand the difficulties of life, and have likely traveled through some valleys themselves, but know how to direct you to wisdom with love and compassion. 

The more you try to handle your stress alone, the more you are likely to drown in it. Healthy people lift your head above water so you can see from a different vantage point, and breathe the air of hope and truth. 

I'm sure you're asking, "Where do I find these healthy people?"

Start right where you live. Plug into a local church where you can connect with Christians who can love and support you. 

Seek out professional counseling to deal with any underlying roots to your stress, whether they be psychological or physical. 

Connect with others in a confidential support group. 

5. Embrace Your Limitations

​​There is no "cure" for the difficulties of life. Sure, there are things you can do that help with responding to such difficulties in healthy ways, but be careful of "magical" thinking that says you just need to get the formula right and all your troubles will disappear. 

You and I have limitations. And each of us is different. I'm amazed at how "easily" some people seem to handle stress. It's like nothing bothers them. But I'm not them. And neither are you.

Admitting you are weak is not weak. It's actually quite powerful. The Apostle Paul said as much:

"But he [Jesus] said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (1 Cor. 12:9-10)

Stress isn't fun. It seems to "torment" with relentless persistence. But you can respond with confidence; not in yourself, but in the grace of God. 

Preach this message of truth and hope to yourself every day: though I am weak, my God is strong. I will trust in His power, not my own. I rest in Him.

May you grow in grace as you learn to handle stress in healthier ways.  


Written by Jonathan Daugherty
Founder of Be Broken Ministries