Most of the parenting blogs here at Be Broken are about some aspect of talking with your child about sex. This time will be different! In this blog, I will discuss things you should do before you talk with your kids about sex.

If parents jump into conversations about sex with their children before the parents are ready to do that, the conversation will not go well. We will look at a couple of things you can do to help you be more prepared when the time comes for a conversation about sex.

The Baggage You Carry

Everyone has some level of baggage related to sex from their past. I’ve never met anyone who did not. Baggage from your youth or childhood can come in a lot of different forms.

Some examples include:

• Hearing other kids talk about sex and you didn’t understand
• Hearing a sexual joke from a friend or peer
• Seeing a nude or partially nude image in a book or media
• Being called a sexual name or being made fun of in a sexualized way
• Unwanted sexual touch
• Exposure to pornography
• Reading an erotic story
• Sexual experimentation or behavior

Such experiences can result in a mixture of confusing emotions, including confusion, fear, disgust, excitement, arousal, and alarm. When excitement or arousal occurs at the same time you experience fear, disgust, or confusion, the result is almost always to feel shame. To experience excitement and disgust at the same event can make a person feel broken and ashamed of themselves.

Baggage and Parent Reactions

As I’ve mentioned in other posts (see Responding to Children in Anger) when you or I carry baggage related to our sexuality it can make it hard to react calmly to our children’s questions about sex.

Trying to teach a child about sex when the parent has unresolved sexual baggage is a recipe for chaos. A parent cannot be expected to talk calmly with their child about sex when they see themselves in their child and recall their own past sexual baggage. This is an unfair situation to place a parent—or yourself—in.

Children need parents to remain calm during discussions about sex and sexuality. Fortunately, there are things parents can do to make that possible!

Processing the Past

There are lots of things you could do to make discussions about sex feel less threatening, but I will list just two here.

1. Talk with Someone Close

Pick someone to talk with. This may be your spouse or another friend, preferably one who is a parent themselves. Set some ground rules to make the conversation feel safe, which may include:

• This is a two way conversation. Both parties must share their own past.
• No details. Whatever you share, share in general, not graphic detail. That is not necessary and can even be unhelpful.
• Share one experience related to sexuality from your childhood. Look at the list above for ideas.
• Share how old you were, what happened, and how it made you feel.
• Agree not to “fix” each other or give advice. Remember, you are talking about childhood experiences. None of us made great decisions as children.
• If you feel this is going well you may choose to share another past experience, or wait and come back to discuss more later.

By sharing past experiences you bring them into the light. Assuming the person you share with is loving, this will be a positive and affirming experience. It will take away some of the sting and shame from those memories. This will make your past less likely to cause problems when it is time to talk with your kids about sex.

2. Getting Help with Trauma

Some readers may need more help than just talking to a friend or spouse. Talking with a friend will still help, but some readers have more trauma in their past than just a conversation alone can heal.

I was a parent in this category. I tried to tell myself that my past was not traumatic and that I did not need help from a counselor. It was a matter of pride to me. However, when things started falling apart I realized I did need professional-level help with my past.

Before seeing a counselor I viewed my childhood to include sexual experimentation, which I considered entirely my fault. However, a counselor helped me see that I was sexually abused. My counselor and I spent months going over my past and realigning my feelings about my past. This helped me let go of a lot of lies I had come to believe about myself, my sexuality, and the safety of other people. I was able to let go of a tremendous amount of shame.

Seeking professional help made me a better parent than before. I was increasingly able to talk to my children about sex in a calm and rational manner. My own past did not need to make me feel ashamed and I could better focus on my children.

Practice

I strongly suggest talking with your spouse or a close friend about your own past before you talk with your children about sex. Seek professional help as well if you think that would be helpful.

This will make having conversations with your kids about sex much easier. You will react better. You will remain calm and help your children feel safe.

But this requires practice! You probably need to talk with a friend or your spouse more than one time for this to feel safe for you. Perhaps just share a little at a time and come back to the conversation once a week or so.

This not only helps you react better to your children but it makes the task of teaching your children God’s design for sex easier to do. Your children will benefit greatly if you are willing to practice talking with an adult first.

I have done it and if you are a parent I am fairly certain you have as well. My child does something inappropriate and I react in anger. When it comes to a child engaging in some kind of problematic sexual behavior—such as pornography use—the anger response can be even stronger. However, responding to a child in anger when they seek out sexualized content is not helpful.

Anger is not the only unhelpful way a parent can react. When a parent learns their child has been exposed to some kind of sexual information or content, a common response is for the parent to react in panic. For a child, however, seeing their parent panic when the child is already confused only makes things worse.

The Reason for Anger & Panic

Why do parents sometimes react in anger at children’s behavior? I believe the primary reason for my anger in these situations is mostly anger toward myself. Learning my child has seen pornography—whether by accident or on purpose—leaves me feeling like I failed at protecting them. I am angry at myself for not protecting my child, but I take it out on them.

I might raise my voice to my child if I discover they have been accessing porn, but I am actually raising my voice to myself as if to say, “How could you not see the danger signs? Why did you fail to make internet devices safer?” I might also be angry at myself for believing that whatever conversations I have had with my kids about safety were not good enough, and my kid would not have accessed inappropriate material if I had used the right words.

On the other hand, reactions of panic come mostly from fear. When I react in frantic agitation to learn my child has been exposed to something sexual, it is more about my own baggage than it is what my kid has seen. Learning my child has been exposed to something sexual will bring back memories of my own past. Hyperventilating, in this case, is more likely about my own past than my child’s situation.

A Parent’s Baggage

When I was nine I heard some teenagers talking about something I realized was about sex but I didn’t understand what they meant. I asked my mother what a word meant that I overheard and she became frantic. Her voice went up an octave, she waved her hands and acted with clear agitation. I don’t remember exactly what she said, I mainly remember her reaction. I felt scared seeing her react so strongly to my question.

I imagine many parents today had negative interactions with parents about sexual topics. That is a kind of baggage. It makes it harder not to react the same way my parents did since that was the only example I had. In such a case a parent might act in panic, not anger, but seeing a parent panic is not comforting to a child. When my mother panicked at my question about sex I decided never to ask either parent a question about sex again. Instead, I turned to local teenagers, which did not end well for me.

Parents can have other kinds of baggage as well. Some parents experienced sexual abuse as kids. Some read erotic novels or viewed pornography as teenagers. Some had family members who engaged in pornography or promiscuity and watched how destructive that was. Some were teased or objectified in sexual ways as kids. All of these kinds of baggage produce shame.

When a parent learns their own child was exposed to something sexual, all this panic, shame, and fear come surging back all at once. The result can feel overwhelming and agitation can be very difficult to hold back. Anger can also come from a parent’s baggage as anger is often just a mask for fear.

Your Child is not You

Like most parents today, I had no one to help me navigate what I was exposed to as a child. I felt lost and confused. Fortunately, my child is not me. My child, and your child, do have someone to help them work through anything they are exposed to. Children who have someone to talk about what they experience are not nearly as negatively impacted as children who do not.

The good news is that your children can have someone to help them through anything they are exposed to and even things that they get themselves into. You do not have to react the same way your parents reacted. You can react in ways that help your child stay safer in the future.

Alternatives to Anger

Anger is never the best response to a child’s exposure to, or involvement in, inappropriate sexual situations. Anger creates distance between a parent and child when a child needs to be drawn in closer.

Initial exposure to sexualized content and situations is usually accidental or because someone else showed them. Why do children seek out sexualized media on their own? Often out of God-given curiosity. Why do children return to sexually stimulating behaviors? Because it feels good, or it makes bad feelings go away, or to fit in with their peers.

Rather than look at these situations as something to be angry or upset about, you can see these as opportunities to bond with your children.

• What if, instead of reacting in shock, you ask calmly what the allure was: curiosity, wanting to feel good, fitting in, or dealing with hard feelings?
• What if instead of a lecture you discuss with your child what healthier ways might be to respond to curiosity, wanting to feel good, fitting in, and dealing with hard feelings?
• What if instead of yelling at a child who repeatedly gets into porn you used the opportunity to share your own story of brokenness, in order to build a deeper connection with your child?

Whether your child is accidentally exposed, purposefully indulges, or repeatedly returns to sexual scenarios, their insides will feel chaotic. What your child needs in that situation is not more agitation.

When a child encounters inappropriate sexual situations, children need us to invite them into our calm, not for us to join them in their chaos.

Better Responses

1. Here are two really good first sentences to memorize for when you learn your child has been exposed to something sexual.

• “You are not in trouble.” If the exposure was accidental or even if you catch your child doing something inappropriate, this is a great way to stop the chaos and welcome them into your calm.
• “I’m so glad you told me.” Use this if your child confesses something. Reward their honesty. Make the experience positive, so that they will want to confess again in the future if need be.

2. I would suggest hugging your child as step two. Slow everything down and make this about bonding, not correcting them. Correction takes time and should not be rushed.

3. Make your discussion about discovery rather than punishment. What happened? How did it happen? If they sought it out, what drove them? Was it curiosity, peer pressure, trying to medicate a hard feeling, to get a “buzz”? You will need to ask these questions slowly and refrain from any accusing facial expressions or words. This is not an interrogation, just talking about what happened. Share your past if you have had any similar experiences. Notice there is no lecture involved.

4. Plan for next time. Finally, discuss together what the family can do in the future to help avoid this. You might put this part of the conversation off for a different day if steps 1-3 seem to be a lot for you or your child. You don’t have to resolve everything all at once.

Mistakes will be Made

It is okay if you sometimes react in anger. I did from time to time, and my kids forgave me when I apologized. It is okay if you fail at trying to act calm when learning what your child has gotten into. Your kids understand that people do not always react in the most appropriate way, just own up to it. Making mistakes as parents can make us more approachable and relatable to our kids, as long as we apologize.

And if you have already made mistakes, this is an excellent opportunity to connect with your child. You can start by saying, “Remember when I acted this way? I don’t think that was the best way to react. Can we talk?”

You are the right parent for this and your child is in good hands. Give your child better responses than you received. ​

When you hear or read the words "rear-view mirror" what nearly automatically comes to mind? 

If you’re like the majority of us it’s the flat surfaced mirror attached to the upper center portion of a car's windshield. 

What's the Purpose of a Rear View Mirror?

Have you ever asked yourself what the purpose of the rear-view mirror is? Seems almost silly to ask, right? But is it? What is its purpose? 

When I did a Google search to answer that question I received a response of 874,000,000 results in 0.65 seconds. Kind of crazy, right? 

Here’s the top answer: Your car's rear-view mirror serves a multitude of purposes that help keep you safe as a driver. The rear-view mirror promotes an alert driving experience by allowing you to see behind your vehicle without turning your head. By checking the rear-view mirror, you can monitor traffic and prepare for any potential dangers. (Dempsterqualitycarcare.com) 

Our cars also typically have two outside rear-view mirrors also. I’ll admit I don’t often think of them as rear-view mirrors, but they indeed are, but from a different perspective or viewpoint. Nonetheless, they have a rearward view and help us see blind spots the center rear-view mirror cannot see.  

Here are two more questions to consider: How often do you and I check those mirrors and how frequently is it recommended that we do? 

Here’s the answer from the same article mentioned above: Most driving instructors suggest checking your mirrors every five to eight seconds with a glance. A glance does not mean studying the mirrors, but more along the lines of a quick check. It’s important not to stare off into your rear-view mirror as you can miss hazards in front of you. 

How is a Rear-View Mirror Connected to Recovery?

I can imagine a number of you wondering where in the world I’m going with this and what it has anything to do with sexual integrity recovery and a transformational path ahead. Hang with me. 

Dr. Eddie Capparucci writes in his book, Going Deeper - How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction, this discovery; “the road to recovery from sexual addiction goes through your childhood.” 

Dr. Capparucci came to this observational conclusion while undertaking a 10 year study of the men he worked with. 

Taking this observation and then applying it to sexual addiction recovery, it is going to require a man to look back on his childhood for some critical answers. Sounds a bit like looking in a rear-view mirror doesn’t it? 

Taking the time to look back reflectively on my own childhood continues to reveal dangers and hazards I ‘ran over’ along the way. In transparency I’ve recently discovered the answer to a repeating struggle in my own life. 

I’ll spare you all the details of the discovery but In looking back, after reading Dr. Eddie’s book and conversations with my bride, that I had not properly identified a childhood wound, how it was impacting me yet today.

This new discovery from my "rear-view mirror" is enabling me to step into the grieving and healing process to release the grip of my ill response to perceiving or feeling I’ve been disrespected. It wasn’t a pleasant revelation, but I’m glad to have made it. 

This is a real and recent lesson for me from the rear-view mirror. 

Why You Must Look Back to Move Forward

Looking back on our childhood can be very difficult and for some of you reading this it may be incredibly painful, even to the point of your mind blocking much of it out. The memories for most are still there, yet buried deep. 

The road to recovery from sexual addiction goes through your childhood. The wounds that give us the need to seek a broken medication cycle must be sought out and identified to enable us to treat, grieve and heal. 

Without the preceding process being undertaken, finding real and lasting transformation and freedom will be practically impossible. 

I’m not leaving God out of the equation of this process. 

In fact, our Helper and Counselor, Holy Spirit, is vital in the journey of discovery. See we get really good at locking the doors to those dark and dingy rooms of our lives where all this painful crud resides. Some of this junk has been there for so long, we forgot where we stuffed it. 

When Hope Comes Into View

When we choose to submit to the Holy Spirit’s authority and desire to help us heal toward transformation and healing, life changing things can begin to happen. 

Hope begins to rebirth. And when hope comes back into view we can begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. (Likely a long tunnel…but there’s light at the end.)

The Apostle Paul wrote a lot of the New Testament. As I read the verses below I see a metaphorical picture of the hope within Paul as he wrote of our imputed righteousness through faith in Jesus Christ. 

Philippians 3:12-14 (ESV) “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

Paul acknowledges he’s not made this journey on his own. Jesus has given him new hope and strength to have obtained this righteousness. We too can obtain this freedom birthing righteousness in and from Christ on this journey to sexual wholeness and integrity. 

While Paul is fully aware of his past and humbly speaks of his condition, he also encourages us how to see. 

Paul has looked in the rear-view mirror and seen his past, learned from it but chose to leave it behind. “Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead…the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." 

Paul also wrote in Galatians 5:1 that “it is for freedom that Christ set us free.” Let us choose to not look back on the bondage of slavery. Use the rear-view mirror to locate those dangers that linger and even creep up on us from the past. Then use those discoveries to strain forward to what lies ahead. Jesus, the Author and perfecter of your faith. 

We use the rear-view mirror to look for dangers that pursue us, but not to live in and with those dangers that are no longer a threat.

​Learn from what’s behind, but leave it behind. 

Cut the bondage rope. Use all of our rear-view mirrors to be aware of the blind spots and trust God to reveal any unseen dangers. 

Learn from your past, but let’s not live there. Live in the forward moving vision of transformation and freedom, not the bondage of the past. 

Recently in a support group I lead (going on 20+ years now) we had a great discussion about the power of words, especially the power of spoken words. The main point I was pressing was that the fullness of a word's power is only realized when it is spoken, not merely thought, because you and I were made for relationship. A "thought" word never connects with another person. 

For example, if I think the words "I love you" about my wife but never say them, how great is their impact? Certainly thinking such words is good. Those thoughts can have an impact on my behaviors and attitude toward my wife. But until I speak them, the fullness of their power is not realized. 

Words Come from God

What if God merely thought about all that currently exists? Galaxies, stars, mountains, oceans, trees, animals, and human beings. If all such ideas merely existed in the mind of God, none would exist. For God himself showed us that the power of the Word is when it is spoken. 

"And God said, 'Let there be light,' and there was light." -Gen. 1:3 (emphasis added)

​Words originated with God. He is the Creator of all things, including language. He spoke and everything that exists, all matter, came into being. He also made human beings in His image with the capacity to speak and interact with Him and one another through words. 

• God spoke to Adam about where the boundary lines were drawn regarding sin. (Gen. 2:16)
• God said that it wasn't good for man to be alone. (Gen. 2:17)
• Adam named the animals; "And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name." (Gen. 2:19)
• Adam burst into poem when he first saw Eve! (Gen. 2:23)
• God called out to Adam after they sinned. (Gen. 3:9)
• Adam and Eve responded to God's inquiries about their sin. (Gen. 3:10-13)

From the very beginning words have been part of God's creation. They were intended to be used for good and the flourishing of life. But sin didn't only distort man's desires, it also distorted the good and holy use of words. 

Sin's Negative Impact on Words

Think of the negative power that words have as a result of sin. What happens to a person when they hear statements like: 

• "You're stupid and ugly." 
• "I hate you."
• "You will never amount to anything." 
• "You don't belong here." 
• "What is wrong with you?"
• "God can't love someone like you." 

It stings to even write those words. But many of us have felt more than just the sting of writing them; we have felt their soul-crushing weight when someone said them to us. Words have power, for good and for evil. 

Redeeming Words for Good

The good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that through faith in Him we can be forgiven and restored to a right relationship with our heavenly Father, God. This restoration is not only spiritual; it is a restoration of our whole lives, words included. 

Before I began my road to recovery from sexual addiction back in 1999, I had a severe anger problem (addictions often cause problems in multiple areas of life). You might even say I was a 'rage-aholic.' My temper could be triggered in the blink of an eye. And oftentimes many foul words accompanied such anger. 

When I started my recovery, God did an amazing healing work on my anger, which resulted in a merciful transformation of my language. Rather than using my words to fuel my fury, I began to learn to use my words bless and heal. God was redeeming not just my sexual brokenness, but also my sinful use of words. 

4 Keys Areas to Speak Out Words of Truth

Spoken words have power -- even when spoken over yourself. (Yes, self-talk is a healthy Christian practice; read Psalm 42, 43:5, 62:5, and 103.) 

You may be wondering what practical steps you can take to engage your use of words in a more Christ-like way. Here are four key areas to speak out words of truth over your own soul as you pursue a life of faithfulness to God. 

1. Repentance

For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. 
2 Cor. 7:10

You and I have sinned against God (probably several times just today!). We need to properly admit (confess) these sins and seek the correction of God's Word and His Spirit. This is called repentance. 

Here are some words you can speak (out loud) over your soul as you repent: 

• For I know my transgressions,
      and my sin is ever before me.
  Against you, you only, have I sinned
      and done what is evil in your sight... (Psalm 51:3-4)
• I did __________. I know it was wrong and I repent now, trusting not in my strength or ability, but in Yours, O Lord my Savior.
• Lord, I was wrong. I'm sorry for relying on myself more than relying on You. 
• Jesus, your Word says that "apart from you I can do nothing." (Jn. 15:5) I confess my need for you to restore me from my empty ways.

Speak out words of repentance when you sin. Then listen for God's response. Have your Bible handy since He likely will want to point you to a particular verse or passage of Scripture to remind you that "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." (Ps. 51:17; emphasis added)

2. Forgiveness

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
1 John 1:9

It is vital to remember that when we confess our sins God is faithful to forgive. O, how we need this reminder! And how I have learned over the years that it is often not enough (for me, anyway) to merely think this truth, but to speak it out LOUD!

Here are some words you can speak (out loud) to remind your soul of God's rich and abundant forgiveness: 

• as far as the east is from the west,
      so far does he remove our transgressions from us. (Ps. 103:12)
• Thank you, God, for your full forgiveness through the finished work of Jesus Christ. I receive your forgiveness right now because of the cross. 
• There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. (Rom. 8:1-2)
• Because of Christ, God will not hold my sin against me for judgment. Lord, help to live in the gracious freedom you purchased for me. 

Speak out words of God's forgiveness when you have strayed. Marinate in the love that God has for you. There is nothing you can do to cause God to love you less or abandon your or shame you. You are His beloved child, securely adopted into His eternal family. No one can snatch you out of His hand! (Jn. 10:28-30)

3. Identity

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.
Ephesians 1:3-6

What good news it is that we are called children of God! You have an identity in Christ that is precious and permanent. And it doesn't start after you die -- it is true right now. 

With all the other voices that are trying to tell you who you are (TV, movies, social media, news outlets, etc.) you must train your ear to listen to words that speak the truth about your identity. And only God knows who you really are.

Here are some words you can speak (out loud) to remind your soul of who you are and to Whom you belong: 

• I am a child of God. (Jn. 1:12)
• I am a friend of Jesus. (Jn 15:14-15)
• I am a joint heir with Christ, sharing in His inheritance. (Rom. 8:17)
• I am a saint in Christ Jesus. (Eph. 1:1)
• I am God's workmanship (or artwork), created in Christ Jesus to do good works. (Eph. 2:10)
• I am a new creation. (2 Cor. 5:17)

Speak out words of your true identity, especially when lies of shame are seeking to attack you and tempt you to believe what is not true about who you are in Christ. You are secure in God's family through faith in Christ. Rest in His love, and use the power of God's Word to strengthen your security in Him. 

4. Purpose

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Ephesians 2:10

Your life is not a mistake. You were made by God with a purpose -- to glorify Him by bearing His image in the world. Because it is so easy to get swept away by the meaninglessness of the world's fruitless ways it is essential that you be reminded regularly that your life matters to God and His redemptive plan. 

Here are some words you can speak (out loud) to remind your soul of God's good purpose for your life: 

• I am made in the image of God to be a reflection of His love and character to everyone I meet. 
• By God's grace I have been given His Spirit to accomplish all that He desires for me; "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." (Phil. 4:13)
• I have been ordained by God to be alive at this specific time in history and this specific place to do good works that honor God and bless others.
• I reject the lies of the world that tempt me toward vain pursuits rooted in pride and selfishness; I instead choose to surrender my life completely to the control of my Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave His life so that I might truly live. To Him I give my total allegiance. 

Speak out words of your God-given purpose for living. There is joy and peace in fervently pursuing all that God has called you to do in this life. Don't be distracted or dismayed by the clashing voices of a godless culture. Stay attuned to the clear, steady voice of the One who calls you His beloved and has entrusted with "the ministry of reconciliation." (2 Cor. 5:18)

Silence evil 

Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret.
Ephesians 5:11-12

One final thought to share on this topic of the power of spoken words. Sometimes it is just as powerful to remain silent as it is to speak, especially when it comes to words that promote sin and evil. 

God has called His people to "walk in the light" and not partner with the darkness of evil and wickedness. This means we must grow in wisdom to know when to speak out against such evil and when to hold our tongues when tempted to say things that partner with evil. 

​Words have power. Use them wisely to promote what is good and true and lovely. To God be the glory. 

There is a process to recovering fully from sexually addictive patterns. It is simple: Heal --> Grow --> Share. In a previous post I wrote about what healing looks like in this process. In this post I want us to explore the next stage: Growing. This stage focuses on three primary areas of growth: emotional, spiritual, and relational.

Emotional Growth

No one struggling with sexually addictive patterns is emotionally healthy. You might want to pause and reflect on that statement for a moment. You might even want to argue with it. But in my many years of hearing thousands of life stories of sexually addicted men and women, I have yet to meet one who exhibited emotional health or maturity in conjunction with their addictive lifestyle. Emotional maturity and addiction just don't go together.

Therefore, it is essential that emotional health be a high priority when seeking to grow into a man or woman of sexual integrity. This means "growing up" and leaving childish ways behind.

1 Corinthians 13:11
When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man (adult), I gave up childish ways.

Most sexually addicted individuals act like children emotionally. This is largely due to the fact that lust teaches a person to be self-centered, controlling, ill-tempered, angry, and deceptive. Just like a 2-year-old. But in order to be a mature man or woman of integrity, childish ways must be given up.

Often, counseling can be very helpful in understanding and overcoming childishness. Also, getting into a group of mature people can help sharpen these emotional skills.

Spiritual Growth

The bible promises that if we walk by the Spirit of God we will not gratify the lusts of the flesh (Gal. 5:16). But how do we "walk by the Spirit?" By deepening our intimate relationship with God through Jesus. We must grow in our dependence upon God. 

Most of us know the things to "do" when it comes to "spiritual growth," but few engage these activities in the way God had in mind. We know to pray, read our bibles, feed the hungry, care for orphans and widows, and serve the poor. But too often we engage in these disciplines with a "box-checking" mentality, not with a heart eager to know God.

Spiritual growth never occurs through activity alone. God is a Person, to be related to intimately, not as something we do, but rather as Someone we know. 

John 14:3-7
"And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.” Thomas said to him, “Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?” Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you had known me, you would have known my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him.”

Spiritual growth is about knowing the Way, not as a religious ritualistic journey, but as one knows a Person. Jesus is THE WAY! On this journey of growth as a man or woman of integrity, you must know Him. May this change how you engage prayer, bible study, and fellowship with others. These are not means to an end, they are ever-present points of contact with the living Jesus.

Relational Growth

Every sexually addicted person has damaged relationships. Lust and love are not synonyms. Therefore, in order to move forward to a life of integrity, you must grow healthy relationships. You must learn to relate well with others.

1 Peter 4:8
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

Healthy relationships require stuff that doesn't exist in addiction. Stuff like sacrifice, forgiveness, sharing, communication, honesty, faithfulness, patience, and lots and lots of love. These are not characteristics that tend to come naturally, especially if you have had lots of practice being a self-centered addict. But there is good news! These are skills. Therefore, they can be learned.

The best context to grow relationally is -- in relationships! Duh. So, talk to your spouse. Spend time with your kids. Share your story with someone. Connect, connect, connect. Don't worry about "messing it up." There is no such thing as a "perfect" relationship. But you can have healthy ones, if you will work on growing in the area of relating well with others.

Growing is essential in becoming a strong man or woman of integrity. There are no shortcuts on this journey. But from a solid foundation of healing, you can grow into the person you always wanted to be. And from there, well, some pretty amazing things can happen...

Get More Help: 

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Safety for children in our digital world is a concern many parents ask for help with. To be clear, the digital world includes things like smart TVs, video games, tablets, and phones. All of these devices can access the Internet, which opens a Pandora’s box of harmful content to children. However, learning how to use these devices safely is a skill kids need before they turn 18.

The average age a child is first exposed to pornography is 9.66 for girls and 9.95 for boys. (Bentley, Lacy - 2016 - Gender & Childhood Pornography Exposure, Addiction/Brain Science) That means half of all children are being exposed to pornography before they are even ten. However, kids are usually exposed to pornography by accident, not on purpose. Studies show that 62% or more of children are first exposed to pornography while doing homework or some other accidental reason. (British Board of Film Classification, August 2019) Here are a couple of recent quotes to demonstrate this:

“Families say their kids were supposed to be using district-issued computers for schoolwork, but instead, kids were looking at pornography.”
(Josh Rosenthal, Nov 24, 2020 - Fox 5 News, Washington DC,  https://www.fox5dc.com/news/montgomery-county-students-exposed-to-porn-on-school-is-laptops)

“One minute a child could be looking at their favorite toy [online] and the next thing you know there’s porn on the screen.”
(Niki Whitaker, executive director at the Baldwin County Child Advocacy Center, Jan 26, 2021 - https://www.wkrg.com/health/coronavirus/news-5-investigates-online-risks-children-face-with-more-screen-time-during-pandemic/)

Parents are usually not aware when their children are exposed to porn. One study interviewed over 2,000 children and their parents in 2019 and the following was discovered. (British Board of Film Classification, Ibid)
​

• Only 25% of parents believed their children had seen porn but 53% of these parent’s children reported that they had seen porn.
• 60% of parents said they had discussed pornography with their children but almost none of the children said their parents had talked to them about the dangers of pornography.
• Fathers are more likely than mothers to think their children had seen pornography. 34% of fathers thought their children had probably seen pornography but only 19% of mothers believed that might be true.

Things to Consider

It is unfair to expect a child to manage digital technology in a safe manner without significant help from parents. A child will not know what to do to avoid exposure to porn or what to do if they are exposed to porn without being taught. 

Children have a harder time resisting porn than adults. A child’s sex drive grows to adult levels within two years after puberty but the part of their brain that helps them control their sex drive will not mature until their mid twenties. Expecting a child to resist pornography while at the same time having unrestricted access to smart TVs, video games, tablets, and smartphones is asking more than children are capable of. 

Here are a few suggestions to help kids have a safer experience.

Screen Time

Less screen time is better for all of us, children in particular. Here are some guidelines from the Mayo Clinic. (Mayo Clinic, Health & Lifestyle, Children’s Health, Screen Time and Children: How to Guide Your Child. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/childrens-health/in-depth/screen-time/art-20047952)

• Age 18 months and under: media use is discouraged, except for video chatting
• Ages 18-24 months: if screens are allowed, no solo watching and only high quality content
• Ages 2-5: limit screen time to one hour per day
• Ages 6+: no more than two hours using any kind of screen per day, except while doing school work

I know this is hard. Most kids spend way more than two hours a day on screens, and thinking about reducing that time feels daunting. You probably know what it is like to have a kid melt down when you ask them to stop playing a video game or using a tablet. But an angry reaction to being asked to rejoin the real world should be a warning sign that kids are getting too dependent on the artificial, digital world. 

Kids view the digital world as the real world. That is where many kids interact with their friends. It takes more work on your part, but helping your kids meet and spend time face-to-face with other kids is much better for their mental health. Limiting screen time is about much more than avoiding pornography.

When to Give a Child a Device

I’ve talked with a lot of professionals and my personal recommendation to parents is not to give a child their own Internet device until they are at least 14. Before you think I’m too restrictive, consider that the men who created this digital world did the same with their kids. Bill Gates did not allow his children to have cell phones until they were 14 and he strictly limited screen time for them until they were 17.

Steve Jobs prohibited his kids from using an iPad at all before age 18, even though he helped create it. (Chris Weller, “Bill Gates & Steve Jobs Raised Their Kids Tech-Free”, Business Insider, Oct 24, 2017) These men know more than you or I ever will about the digital world and look at what they considered critical for their own kids! 

Alternatives to SmartPhones

That does not mean your kids cannot have a phone until 14, however. Today there are several companies that make devices that look like smartphones and smartwatches that have a camera, music, calculator, text service, and a phone, but absolutely no Internet access or ability to host apps. Some of these are better for younger kids and others have things like a map feature that young teens might want. 

Rather than take up space here, I will point interested parents to this very recent post that compares these devices to help you decide what might be the best fit for your younger kids.

https://www.betterscreentime.com/which-kid-safe-smartphone-is-right-for-your-family/

When it is Time for a SmartPhone

While you want to delay giving a child a smartphone it is best that your child learn how to manage a real smartphone before they leave home. You will have to decide when to allow them to have one as each child is different, but somewhere between the ages of 14 and 18 they need to learn how to use a smartphone safely.

This means locking the phone down at first so your kid cannot add apps on their own. Use something like the Bark app (bark.us) to see how well your child handles being online before allowing them to choose an app. When they are able to go a couple of months without misusing the Internet, allow them to select one app to start with. 

When it is time to let them have one app, visit https://protectyoungeyes.com so that you are aware of the potential dangers of the app your child wants. This organization specializes in monitoring what all apps that children might use do and where the pitfalls are.

Other Ways Kids Access the Internet

Children access the Internet through other devices as well. In addition to computers, any smart TV and most video game consoles will allow the user to surf the web. It is smart to have monitoring software, such as Bark or CovenantEyes, on devices that allow them, but no software can monitor all these kinds of devices. If you want to monitor all Internet activity happening in your home you need something that operates from the home router. 

I won’t take time here to explain how that works, but one solution is RouterLimits, which is a device you plug into your home router that monitors all Internet activity using your home WIFI network. That would include visitors to your home who you let use your WIFI. 

Router Limits can also be used to restrict what times people can access the Internet. This means you could shut the Internet down in your home at night, in case kids try to use the Internet behind your back. 

To learn more, visit: https://routerlimits.com

Home Rules

Prevention Science has clearly demonstrated that the three most important things to protect your child from getting involved with pornography (or any other harmful behavior for that matter) are parent-child bonding, healthy beliefs, and clear standards. In addition to bonding with your children and sharing your beliefs, you need to set very clear standards around Internet use in your home.

Here are a few family rules you might consider:

• All devices belong to parents, not the children. Internet capable devices are powerful and can be used for great good, but also are capable of causing great harm. For this reason parents are the custodian of them until the child is 18. Children can use them as long as they are using them for good purposes.
• No digital devices in bedrooms or bathrooms or behind closed doors. Family is a place to be transparent and without secrets, so no one hides what they do on digital devices. Bathrooms and bedrooms are places where temptation to look at things like pornography is simply too high, so for protection we do not use devices in those places. This does include no TV in a child’s bedroom.
• No digital devices after bedtime. If nothing else, access to devices at night prevents us from sleeping. For example, staying up late texting friends hurts sleep. I suggest leaving all digital devices in the family room or other public place at night. 
• Digital device use is not private. For one thing, your kids need to know that everything they do online is tracked by multiple organizations. There is actually no such thing as online privacy, no matter what computer and phone companies say. In addition, family is not a place to have secrets. Monitoring what members of your family do online is not a breach of privacy, it is keeping everyone safe and helping each other get back on track if anyone strays.

It is very important to note that any rules for children should apply to parents. If your kids don’t take their phones to bed, neither do you. If your child’s Internet history is monitored, so are the Internet histories of parents. I know this creates inconvenience, but there are two very big benefits of doing this:

1. Your child will be much more willing to comply if they see you have to comply as well. Digital safety becomes a family value, not just rules that parents ignore but kids have to obey. 
2. Parents need help too. If you know your kids can see your Internet history you are much more likely to make better choices online than if your Internet use was secret. 

Challenge

This is a lot to think about! I would imagine that some of the ideas I am suggesting seem too hard or would require making a lot of adjustments for you, personally. So, rather than suggest you do all of these things, I have a simpler challenge for you.

Look through the Things to Consider again, and find one thing you would be willing to try. Just one. Even taking one of these steps will increase digital safety for your children. In fact, if your children can read well, have them join you in selecting one to start with!

This is not too hard, especially if you start with just one change. You can do this. Your children are in the right home, and you are the right parent to help them experience safety in the digital world.

More Family Care Resources

Dear hurting wife, I see you.

I see you because I know you.

I see you because I am you. 

I see you your despair behind your cleverly crafted social media posts.

I see your questions because I, too, have questioned.

I see your fears for I, too, have nearly been consumed by my own.

I see your loneliness while standing in the midst of the crowd.

I see your tears when you are alone because you don’t want the kids to see. For if they see then they may also know your pain. You would never wish this on them. Not in a million years.

I see you sitting on your sofa staring out the window longing for life to flutter by and for hope to rise on the horizon.

I see you grasping for anything that is true.

I see you longing for something or someone you can trust.

I see you longing for someone to understand.

I see you wishing someone would validate your anger, because behind that anger is so much pain and sadness that desires connection.

Dear hurting wife, I see you.

I wish I could fix it for you but I can’t. I don’t have solutions. 

But I can offer you hope. Even if only a glimmer of hope to keep those  last few embers alive.

Dear hurting wife, this page in your story is a comma not a period.

Winston Churchill is quoted to have said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

Dear hurting wife, keep going. 

Gently wipe that last tear to make room for the next one. It’s okay to cry.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other – even if the steps are small.

Please remember that two steps forward and one step back still leaves you one step forward. 

Just like winter miraculously turns to spring through the ache of death and buried seedlings push through barren soil reaching fierce for light, your pain will bear sweet fruit. 

Those scars on your heart? They will become the most beautiful flowers in your garden.

Dear hurting wife, I see you. 

More importantly, so does your Father. 

Keep going.

Redemption awaits.

Redemption may not bear the image your heart longs for, but redemption will come one way or another. 

Keep going.

You are not alone.


“He is before all things, in Him all things hold together.” Colossians 1:17 NIV

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18 NIV

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 NIV

For further reading, you may find great comfort in Isaiah 54.

Triggers. Triggers are mysterious. They can be sight, smell, taste, a spoken word, a way you are touched. So in essence, all five senses are affected by triggers. If we have had any form of trauma, abuse, neglect, loss, we continuously attach those moments from the past to other things as time moves on.

For instance, if we were in a serious accident we might hear a screeching tire and freak out. If we lost a child, anytime we see a child their age we can be triggered and feel the loss as if it had just taken place. It usually leads to episodes of anxiety, isolation and for an addict, acting out in their addiction to escape the pain.

Think for a moment about the nation of Israel. They grew prosperous under Joseph in Egypt. (Genesis 41:41) But then after a few hundred years of flourishing and working as shepherds and farmers in Egypt, a pharaoh arose who knew nothing of the legacy of Joseph, the famine, how God rescued them, (Exodus 1:8) and he decided that because Israel was growing too big for his own comfort, they would subdue Israel and make them slaves.

As the story goes God heard their cries for freedom and sent Moses to deliver them. After 10 plagues and Pharaoh losing his firstborn son the Israelites were allowed to leave. God promised to bring them to a land flowing with “milk and honey” and a place they could forever call home. It came with a catch though. They had to go in and subdue the godless nations there before they could claim it. Beat down slaves had to go to war? Seriously?

The First nation they were to face was Jericho. A huge walled city that towered over the land. After a couple months of hanging out in the wilderness, providing for their every need, Moses sent 12 spies into the Promised Land for reconnaissance. Two of the ten, Joshua and Caleb said, "No problemo. We can take these cats with the Lord on our side." (Reese Revised Version) However, the other 10 said "No way, Jose! They are huge! We look like grasshoppers in their sight!"

They were triggered.

These 10 were also in Egypt treated as slaves with whips and forced to build the huge buildings that made up that towering metropolis. In fact, all they saw when looking at Jericho was a city that reminded them of Egypt. They most likely began to relive the pain of the whips, their feet in the clay making bricks and the harsh treatment from Egyptians taskmasters and fear gripped their soul.

And what if they lost the battle? Who knows what Jericho might do to the survivors. Beating? Raping? Other forms of torture?  "No way am I going back to that again!" (Funny how later on in the wilderness they complained about their conditions so much they thought going back to Egypt was the lesser of two evils).

That one negative report caused God to say, “Ok you don’t think I can handle these guys after how I set you free from Egypt? Do you not remember that whole parting of the Red Sea where you stepped onto dry ground and crossed over into the land I was giving you and then I completely plundered the entire Egyptian army under water? Then you will stay in the wilderness and the generation to come will go in and take the land." And so it was.

The Israelites stayed in the wilderness for 40 years and the former generation died off except two - Joshua and Caleb.  At around 80 years of age or so, they entered the land with the others of the younger generation - now middle aged - fought the battle and defeated Jericho. (Joshua 6) It could’ve happened 40 years earlier but everyone was afraid. Because they were triggered, those 10 spies sewed an incredible amount of fear among the whole nation of Israel - numbering most likely in the millions.

Triggers can prolong our journey to true freedom. Sometimes for decades. If we allow them to loom large over our life, like a walled city, we will never enter into all God has for us to experience. There’s a saying, “It’s always today in Traumaland.” But you can move through to tomorrow by holding fast to a loving Father who will not only carry you through the pain, the fire and the flood (Isaiah 43), He will fight the battle for you. (2 Chronicles 20:15-17).